Day 41--Cooling Off

This week, several of my classes have been very hot, extra humid, and a bit difficult. Today was like an arctic vacation! A cool cool classroom, hovering between 95 and 100 degrees. Humidity was between 40 and 50%, but I somehow snagged a spot with pretty good ventilation, so life was a breeze. I feel almost as if I cheated today, because I found class so pleasant, due to the cooler temp. A couple of other students were annoyed that the room wasn't as hot as usual. Dunno the reason for the difference today either.

I hydrated pretty well today, got some electrolytes and salts into my beverages, but I was mostly unable to eat all day. During half moon, I felt pangs in my stomach and briefly worried that my blood sugar would get too low and way-lay me. It didn't! I did both sets of everything. I was a little wobblier than usual in standing head to knee, bow pulling pose, and balancing stick, but everything else was just fine. I saw big progress in toe stand today. I got both hands into prayer, got my hips up off the heel, and managed to lift my eyes from the floor and look at myself in the mirror, holding still. I didn't manage to hold it for the full allotment of time, but I held still for several seconds more than I ever have before. Progress makes it all feel worth it.

I must confess, I had a moment in the early part of class today where I thought, "Why the hell am I doing this? I don't want to do a challenge anymore. I want to have tomorrow off." But I ended up having a good class and feeling committed to the 101 Challenge.

This is probably TMI (and I'm glad to have kept my blog more or less anonymous), but here's what's going on in my personal life: My partner has been very ill for the last 3-4 years. I have more or less been our sole support for 2 of those years. He was doing well recently and had been working again, and feeling good. He recently got some bad news though, and he's been upset, angry, and confused. he's been moody and difficult and critical of me. He suddenly decided that he needs to see other women. I think it's about his fear and uncertainty more than it is about me/us. But he's been very hurtful to me, and I can't wait patiently for him to work out his issues when he is not even civil or honest with me. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he also apparently thinks that he should be able to sow some wild oats and still live at my house and expect my emotional support. I can't live like that. It's been a really difficult decision, but I told him that he has to leave.

So, ugh. I feel crazy and heartbroken and worried and sometimes a little guilty. I am angry and hurt and so sad and so afraid. I can't be around him without either crying or getting angry. Much of the time, I can't eat. Last night, I overate, stuffing my feelings down. Bleah!

This 101 Challenge is a blessing though. It gives me more motivation to keep going, keep moving through my life, to not collapse into my sadness. It gives me more reasons to take good care of my health. It gives me respite, sanctuary, a safe and wonderful place where I don't need to focus on anyone or anything but myself. Bikram says the most important thing in your life is you. Yoga class is where I get to be most present with the most important thing in my life.