Almost Halfway!

Day 50! Class was good tonight!

This week, I've noticed some resistance bubbling up in my thoughts. It usually happens very early on in the class. I will find myself thinking, "Oh, God, another class...I'm so bored..." but once I catch myself with the thought, I generally find my mind settling on something else: the breath, the specifics of a posture, the dialogue, the corrections, my reflection in the mirror. And then before I know it, we're almost done with class.

When I wake up in the morning, sometimes I just want to sink back into sleep, stay comfortable and warm under the duvet, delay the need to make any effort. At yoga class, I find my mind just wants to sink into safe, comfortable thoughts and awareness, the lazy kind that require little or no focus or effort. But just as I usually feel pretty good once I get out of bed and start my day, I find class engrossing and interesting once we're past pranayama.

Today, I had the "ho hum" thoughts during pranayama, but I just suddenly kicked into gear and felt focused on practice. But then, at some point, I just spaced out entirely. I don't know where my mind was! I had no memory of doing bow pose, and suddenly we were done with fixed firm. Weird.

I can't believe we are at Day 50 already, and I hope that I will continue to see and feel improvements in my practice.

Days 47 & 48

Yesterday, I attended an early morning class. It seems a lifetime ago now, and I have few clear memories of it! However, I do remember starting out the class feeling worried about the early morning lack of flexibility, a little stiffness, etc, and by the end of the half-moon sequences, I was feeling awake and alive and glad to be there. it was a pretty good class--not a rock star class, but not a struggle either; just a good solid class.

Afterward, I went straight to the community center to teach a yoga/fitness class to seniors. I had a busy day, running all over town for various meetings. I managed, yesterday, to get my old skinny jeans on, and I felt pretty good about that. I've lost a little weight and really toned up quickly with this challenge. I met a friend for a big, spicy, rich, late afternoon meal at a Cuban restaurant, and I attended a big community event in the evening. Still, I was home and in bed by 10PM, and I didn't have a drop of alcohol.

But I really got up on the wrong side of the bed today! I woke in the middle of night a couple of times, fell right back asleep, but felt rather cranky and sleep-deprived in the morning. Was it from eating too much? or eating too rich/spicy? My head ached a bit, and I felt vaguely nauseated. Taught some classes this afternoon, and I just put off my Bikram class for as long as possible, hoping that I'd start feeling better later on. I also wanted to be sure to have plenty of time to keep hydrating, and to not have anything in my stomach at class time.

This evening's class was taught by one of my favorite teachers (I have a lot of favorite teachers), J, the cartoon geek, who always makes me smile. I was still not feeling well, not in a very happy frame of mind, and not very energetic. But J. says silly things and it reminded me that I can smile. It helps, it really does. Just a little smile, then a few thoughts of gratitude, then some focus on breathing, and I don't feel so bad anymore. I was still kind of dragging through class, low energy, but I really felt better. Learning that I truly can change the way I feel, physically, emotionally, and mentally just by using my breath, thinking some good thoughts, consciously changing my attitude...it's so empowering, to know this.

After tonight's class, I'm feeling a few chills, so I think that it's possible that my body is just fighting off a mild virus or something. Pre-101 Challenge, I probably would've skipped class to baby myself, saying I needed the extra rest. Now I feel as if I need to go to class to 'burn' away the sickness and keep me on a healing path. And to keep working on attitude, cultivating stillness in my postures and in my mind.

Day 45

Meh. Class seemed a bit lackluster to me today, but it was mostly me, my mood that was lacking.

I feel generally cranky today, carrying around some anger towards my partner. Make that "ex-partner", I guess. So I was easily annoyed by odds and ends of things that normally don't bother me in the least.

Today, I was SO irritated with how other people placed their mats! Very petty of me, I know, but I don't understand why people don't use the lines properly and don't stagger the mats (and themselves, during triangle, et al). I was grumpy with the instructor; it felt as if she held us in every posture 3X longer than is required. We finished class on time, so that couldn't have been true. Just me and my bad attitude. It was very humid, and we didn't get any relief from the exhaust fans until tree posture. I got dizzy from the lack of fresh air, and I sat out a smidgen of standing head to knee.

I got yelled at, too! I got caught "cheating," in triangle, and my teacher said, "Sisya! You know better than that!" I have a bad habit I need to break. You see, when I came back to yoga, in October 2008, I had injured my back. I had a crushed disc in my lower back, and I'd strained the latissimus dorsi on the left side as well. Doing triangle on the left side was very painful to my back. I compensated by resting my left arm on my left thigh. And still, on my wimpy days, I slip into doing it, even though my back is now fit as a fiddle. The wimpy days are fewer and further between these days, but I got busted today, me and my bad attitude.

And it ended up being a good class. I mean, I feel better now, and I am not as grumpy. I feel silly for all the pissy little thoughts spinning through my mind during class. I am so glad that I went to class, that I'm getting through the challenge, and that most of the time, I am seeing progress, improvement. Most of all, I am FEELING it. Yoga makes life better, even on grumpy days. Maybe especially on grumpy days.

Day 44

I had a great class today. I was very well rested, well hydrated, had proper electrolyte balance, and I had no stomach/nausea issues, having eaten at just the right time (for me, that's about 4 hours before class). If I were so well-prepared every day, I'd probably see a lot more progress in my practice! I do what I can, and I am feeling plenty motivated to prepare properly with more consistency, having seen how much difference it makes in my experience of class.

I had a wonderful first set of bow-pulling pose. I fell out of the right side just a couple of seconds before time was up, and I held the posture the whole time on the left hand side. I had pretty good form, too, relative to my past performance. Very very satisfying to see and feel improvements of any kind, and small improvements seem to show themselves almost every day now. It makes me so happy that I'm doing the challenge, reaching new levels in my practice.

i weighed myself today, and another 4 pounds or so are gone. That's a bit gratifying as well. It is hard to believe that we are nearing the halfway point in the challenge. In some ways it feels like we just started.

47 on 43

I turned 47 years old today, Day 43 of the Bikram 101 Challenge. Morning class with one of my favorite instructors felt relatively easy. It wasn't particularly hot or humid. I always do pretty well in the cooler, drier conditions, but I always feel like a cheater!

Encouraging signs today:

I kicked out and held the posture the entire time for standing head to knee, right side, both sets. That's progress for me. I still struggle to straighten my left leg when I kick it out, but I did better than usual on that side too.

Camel didn't kill me today. I am often reluctant to even try camel. It's usually just fine, once I summon the courage to try it. Today, I just did it without having a fearful little argument with myself.

And I didn't drink any water at all until after kapalbhati breathing. I'm sure that this was made easier by the slightly lower temperature & humidity, but it felt good to know that I actually could make it through classs without my usual party time swig, the drink before savasana, and my fixed firm water break.

I drove across town to teach right after I finished yoga class. Now, after late lunch, I am sleepy and content.

mid morning class--Day 42

I went to class this morning, and the studio seemed eerily empty. Two of our instructors are competing in the Asana Championships this weekend, as are two students from our studio. The studio owners went to LA for the Championships as well. This mid-morning class is fairly new at our studio, and usually smaller than other classes, but today there were just 12 of us! It felt a little lonely! I'm getting used to bumping into people, staggering ourselves on the lines, and making room for one more mat.

It was super-duper humid today. Didn't feel hot, but I was coated, head to toe, dripping with perspiration before pranayama even ended. I am so sweaty. Much much later in the class I looked at the lady next to me, in her below-the-knee length tights, longline sports bra top and giant massive thick all cotton T-shirt over that, and wondered why she wasn't drenched. How does she keep her hair dry in all that heat and humidity? It is a mystery to me how differently each person's body responds to this yoga.

I got mad dizzy vertigo during standing head to knee. I pushed through with it, and I struggled against it in standing bow. Balancing stick was fine, but after the first set of standing separate leg stretching, the blacking out feeling was overwhelming, so I sat down. I did one set of triangle, and I was okay after that. I still really feel down on myself when I sit out postures, but sometimes I just don't have it in me to do everything. Overall, though, it was a good class, and I am happy to have my yoga done for the day. I am toying with the idea of trying to hit the 6:30 class tonight if I can get across town fast enough, but I don't know for sure...

When I was lying in savasana after class, I was thinking back to some of the first Bikram Yoga classes I ever took. They were at a just-opened studio in Bozeman, Montana. The instructor, Chris Bunting, had such a gentle, strong, helpful style of teaching. At that time, I didn't know about the dialogue, and I was utterly blown away by the amount of precision and detail in the instruction. I thought that Chris was an amazing genius! And he is! He learned all of that dialogue, anatomy, physiology, asana study, focus, and discipline. And he learned from another genius, Bikram. But the point is, the instruction was so specific and gave me immediate improvement in asana. And that was unbelievably motivating to me. Chris an his wife, Rebeckah, are both wonderful, inspiring instructors, and I am grateful that from them, I got such a great introduction to Bikram yoga.

I read on facebook today that it is Bikram's birthday! I am wishing him a happy day, and sending gratitude to him for giving the world this series and bringing yoga practice to us.

I don't know how to throw this into my wrap-up for the day, but I love Bikram Yoga Bozeman's t-shirts. They say, "Good camel, good rabbit, good life." Indeed.

Day 41--Cooling Off

This week, several of my classes have been very hot, extra humid, and a bit difficult. Today was like an arctic vacation! A cool cool classroom, hovering between 95 and 100 degrees. Humidity was between 40 and 50%, but I somehow snagged a spot with pretty good ventilation, so life was a breeze. I feel almost as if I cheated today, because I found class so pleasant, due to the cooler temp. A couple of other students were annoyed that the room wasn't as hot as usual. Dunno the reason for the difference today either.

I hydrated pretty well today, got some electrolytes and salts into my beverages, but I was mostly unable to eat all day. During half moon, I felt pangs in my stomach and briefly worried that my blood sugar would get too low and way-lay me. It didn't! I did both sets of everything. I was a little wobblier than usual in standing head to knee, bow pulling pose, and balancing stick, but everything else was just fine. I saw big progress in toe stand today. I got both hands into prayer, got my hips up off the heel, and managed to lift my eyes from the floor and look at myself in the mirror, holding still. I didn't manage to hold it for the full allotment of time, but I held still for several seconds more than I ever have before. Progress makes it all feel worth it.

I must confess, I had a moment in the early part of class today where I thought, "Why the hell am I doing this? I don't want to do a challenge anymore. I want to have tomorrow off." But I ended up having a good class and feeling committed to the 101 Challenge.

This is probably TMI (and I'm glad to have kept my blog more or less anonymous), but here's what's going on in my personal life: My partner has been very ill for the last 3-4 years. I have more or less been our sole support for 2 of those years. He was doing well recently and had been working again, and feeling good. He recently got some bad news though, and he's been upset, angry, and confused. he's been moody and difficult and critical of me. He suddenly decided that he needs to see other women. I think it's about his fear and uncertainty more than it is about me/us. But he's been very hurtful to me, and I can't wait patiently for him to work out his issues when he is not even civil or honest with me. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he also apparently thinks that he should be able to sow some wild oats and still live at my house and expect my emotional support. I can't live like that. It's been a really difficult decision, but I told him that he has to leave.

So, ugh. I feel crazy and heartbroken and worried and sometimes a little guilty. I am angry and hurt and so sad and so afraid. I can't be around him without either crying or getting angry. Much of the time, I can't eat. Last night, I overate, stuffing my feelings down. Bleah!

This 101 Challenge is a blessing though. It gives me more motivation to keep going, keep moving through my life, to not collapse into my sadness. It gives me more reasons to take good care of my health. It gives me respite, sanctuary, a safe and wonderful place where I don't need to focus on anyone or anything but myself. Bikram says the most important thing in your life is you. Yoga class is where I get to be most present with the most important thing in my life.