Day 40

I was tired and grumpy this afternoon, but class was pretty good. I did both sets of all of the postures. No major victories or progress to report today, and no major pain or problems either.

I think that my relationship is ending, and I am overwhelmingly emotional about that. I felt teary as I walked up the steps into the studio today, and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna end up crying in class today." But the yoga room provided me with a little temporary sanctuary. All of those thoughts and feelings left me while I focused on balance, breath, and ease. I am oh so thankful for my yoga.

Day 38

My mind keeps flitting around to all sorts of odd little details concerning my health and my body. I read someone else's blog yesterday, and she mentioned achy hips. "Hmmm. My hips never ache," I thought to myself. So this morning while I was lying in bed, I noticed that, guess what, my hips were aching. Then later this afternoon, while driving, I felt the nasty twinge of sciatica down the back of my thigh. I worried momentarily, did my customary little deep breaths ("If you feel pain or fatigue anywhere, send your breath there, like an ambulance," as my teacher says), and I sorta just forgot about it.

Now, more than an hour after class, I have absolutely no pain in my hip joints and no sciatic pain at all. Sometimes it scares me to think about how my old body might feel if I'd never found yoga. This business of practicing consecutive days seems to bring me twinges of discomfort in a new joint, muscle or tendon with every single class. But they seem to always pass, often very quickly. I think yoga is making adjustments on my body every day, tweaking it to get it closer to perfect alignment. It is the most amazing process. I'm a little bit stunned when I look in the mirror. Head to toes, I am in better alignment. Literally. My freaking toes are straighter.

I got dizzy again today, during class. I was super-stressed most of the day, and ended up not being able to really hydrate properly. I got caught up at an appointment, and I ended up just barely making it to the last class of the day. If I wasn't doing the 101 Challenge, there is no way in hell I would have gone to class tonight at all. Stress really zaps my energy. And one of my teachers is always harping on how we need to clear the excess cortisol out of our systems (with yoga) when we are under lots of stress. It was tough trying to get through standing series with the black-out dizzies hitting me. By the time we got to spine-strengthening series, though, I felt good again. We seem to breeze right through all of the floor postures in the blink of an eye these days.

Super Bowl Sunday, so class was sparse and roomy tonight--15 students. Tonight, our instructor's parents were in class. It was funny when she said, "Mom! Lock the knee!" and somehow sounded like a bratty teenager insisting that she get her way. She jokingly said to an older man in class, "Hey, my Mom didn't sit that posture out." He lifted his head off the mat and said, "Her daughter ought to turn the fans on," and we all tittered. I really like our studio and our goofy little community. Another benefit of daily practice is how well you get to know your teachers and fellow students, making for a lot of support as well as teasing, joking, and fun.

I'm off to bed and yoga dreams. Sweet yoga dreams to all of you!

Wake Up!

I had a busy, stressful, and intense day yesterday, but my yoga class was just wonderful, made me feel happy. So this morning when I woke up, stressful topics of the previous day were on my mind. I was lying there, staring at the ceiling, drowsily worrying, and suddenly I had a moment of panic: I couldn't remember if I'd gone to yoga yesterday. I had gone to class, of course. It made me laugh. Is yoga becoming so routine that I can momentarily forget that I've been to class? Or is this just another aspect of the Crazy 30? At any rate, I will not forget to go to yoga today!

Day 37--Okay!

I have no insight or important information to blog about today, just a short report.
Class was great. I actually had fun. I did every set of every posture, and at one point I zoned out completely. My body was doing the postures, but my mind floated away from me, free of all thoughts. It was just a fabulous class. No new huge progress, but i did every posture pretty much as well as I ever do them, nothing horrid or super-weak.

Four people from my studio are competing at the National Yoga Championships. Our state champ in the women's division did her set for us near the end of class. I'm looking forward to trying to see a bit of the competition online; I'm told that they are streaming it live.

Ahhh! I feel so good right now, relaxing, having had a lovely dinner after my lovely yoga class. I wonder if I will want a day off after the 101st day. Right now, I feel like I want to do a class a day for the rest of my life.

Brutal! Great!

Day 36 was BRUTAL. Extra hot, extra humid. And I'd had some stomach problems all day, even canceled a class that I was supposed to teach today. My queasy stomach, a room packed with 50 people, and humidity that was definitely higher than 60% ( I checked the reading on the thermo-station after class, after the fans had been on and door and window opened, and it was still above 60) all contributed to my first "hot nap" of the challenge. I sat out a LOT. I simply couln't seem to get enough oxygen. My heart rate would not slow down, even while I rested in savasana. I was dizzy by standing head to knee. My stomach hurt. During spine-strengthening series, my head began to throb.

Whenever the conditions in the yoga room seem difficult, I never know if it's just me, my mind searching for excuses, or if it's truly extra hot. Well, the students were dropping like flies today. It wasn't just me. Several other students sat out as many or more postures than I did, and almost half the class sat out at least one. Six people left the room, and only three came back in. Our studio is pretty strict about not leaving the room, so it was very unusual to see.

Conditions of the room, the conditions of my mind, and the conditions of my body were all difficult and uncomfortable today. Well, all I can do is go back tomorrow and try again! Not all that long ago, I might easily have found a class like today's to be incredibly demoralizing, discouraging. One sign that my mindset is getting stronger: I wish class had felt better today, but I know I'll have good classes again soon and more of these steamy, brutal, tough classes. It doesn't bother me or discourage me. We start fresh again tomorrow, we bring a different body and a different mind to class each day, and doing our best with what we've got in any given moment is what it's all about.

And wouldn't you know, after that miserable class, I feel GREAT.

Day 35

I went to morning class today! I'm an afternoon/evening type of yogini most of the time, but I have to do an AM class on Thursdays or I don't get to go to class at all. One of those nagging small goals on my back burner is to make morning practice a more frequent thing for me. Once a week is a start, isn't it?

This morning I got yelled at for backward bending during pranayama...just a bit of laziness, or lack of awareness on my part...still sleepy, maybe. I was not as flexy in the opening postures--not unusual for a morning class.

But I surprised myself with Eagle! It's a posture that I haven't had too hard a time with, and I rarely give it much thought. I've been trying to work a bit on getting my upper body back though. I am shocked at how much lower I can bring my hips if I am not leaning or hunching forward. I've had a pretty good wrap for a long time, but today I touched my right big toe to the top of my left (standing) foot for the very first time! I just busted out in a great big smile and felt goofy and happy about it. I got so caught up in my happy goofy feeling, in fact, that I fell out of the posture a couple of times during the second set.

I enjoyed most of the rest of class, but I found myself tiring out near the end. I did my best ever standing head to knee today too (not that my head is on my knee yet, but I'm kicking out with more and more ease and more strength). And I had a moment of...I don't know, insight, maybe, or emotional something or other during bow pose.

Bow pose has often hurt my left knee, a lot. I try to be as careful as possible to keep the knee alignment during the pose, and this lessens the chance of pain, but sometimes it just looks like 'all systems, go' and I lift up and...ow, it hurts. So I am really scared of it sometimes.

My dog broke his front leg a few days ago, and he's been limping around with a splint. He wants so badly to play fetch, to chase a tennis ball or a squirrel in the yard, but if he gets too much weight on his hurt leg, he winces and pulls it up again.

One of the relationship issues I've been having is sort of like that too. I have isolated, gotten quite depressed, and put a lot of my life on hold during T's illness, and he is sometimes angry and annoyed about that. I'm an introvert anyway, and T is an extrovert, so we approach some things very differently. We were quarreling about it yesterday, him urging me to get out in the world more, to socialize and be positive. I told him, "I'm trying, and I'm working on it, but I am going slow. I can't be changed overnight. I'm like Buddy; I'm not ready to put all of my weight on my paw yet."

That conversation flashed through my mind during bow pose today. I guess it is a little bit similar--going slow, being kind of careful, testing things out and being easy on myself where there is pain involved. We can't let old injuries keep us from trying, but sometimes we need to do some healing before we push too hard.

I feel pretty sure that Buddy and me are both gonna heal up just fine.

The Crazy 30

A few other 101 Challengers have mentioned the "crazy 30," which refers to the second 30 days of a challenge, when many yogis experience emotional release or have emotional issues come up during practice.

Well, my friends, life, fate, karma, or some kind of Divine power is helping me get right into my Crazies without delay.

A gazillion little problems and a couple of huge ones have presented themselves in my home life, my personal life, and my work life--in just a couple of days!

I am really truly worried about my boyfriend's health and well being, as it's taken a turn for the worse; I am unsure if our relationship can withstand much more stress; our financial situation had a flicker of hope last month, but things are looking pretty grim at present (oh, health care in the good old USA). One of my employers made a small clerical error that will impact attendance in the classes I teach (and therefore, my income) for several months hence, and there is nothing we can do about it. Another employer completely welched on an agreement. Bah!

And other little surprises that stir up emotions: Out of the blue, I got a facebook message from an old long ago friend that I'd fallen out with. Another friend just lost his dad. My dog broke his front leg when he landed wrong after jumping high to catch a ball. I just feel like crying forever. I'm not weeping uncontrollably during balancing stick or anything, but tears are welling up in my eyes in savasana on a regular basis here in February.

Life is just like practicing yoga every day. Yoga is just like living every day. Sometimes it fills us with joy and peace. Sometimes it's a piece of cake. Sometimes you wonder how it could possibly get any better. And then some days, it's just hard, it just hurts. Sometimes, you can't get your mind off of your worries and just be present. Sometimes, at yoga, we block ourselves off from the joy, the release, or the peace, or even samadhi, enlightenment--when it's right there within reach, because we are afraid or too distracted by our worries, problems, shortcomings, and negativity. We can easily miss out on the best parts of every day living too, if we don't find a way to deal with the negative emotions and attitudes, or to face what is painful and work through it.

I am so grateful for yoga because it gives me a chance to change for the better, and move toward deeper awareness. My favorite version of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras translates samadhi as "the settled mind." To me, that connotes a deep profound calm, certainty, serenity. It makes enlightenment sound so...solid. That appeals to me in many ways. Yoga lets me know that a settled mind is there for me, for everyone, waiting. Yoga brings me a little more peace every day, even when I cry or curse my teacher or find myself thinking of things that hurt. More of my issues come to my awareness, and I have this chance, every day, to feel what is painful, bring my heart and my mind and soul into slightly better alignment, and flush out the spiritual and emotional toxins. Tourniquet effect for the soul, so to speak.

Yikes, yes, I'm deep into the Crazies already, and I am looking forward to getting through some sh*t. This is areally difficult time, but I am crazy grateful for the process and for this yoga.