Detoxing, Releasing, and Moving Forward!

I didn't expect to experience anything very dramatic or noticeable so soon in the challenge, but I feel as if I am really releasing some tension, some pent-up emotional stuff. I'm also seeing mild signs of physical detoxing.

After Day 4, ( the pukey day), I came home, drank juice and water, ate a nice light dinner with lots of fresh veggies in it, and settled down for the night. But I could not sleep. And then I found myself on a bit of a crying jag. I was awake for most of the night, tearful and uncomfortable, but after 2 or 3 hours of sleep, when I had to drag myself out of bed, I felt calm and weirdly refreshed. I think that I've been carrying around a lot of old stress and worry, and I was finally ready to let go of these things.

I taught a fitness class for seniors in the morning, and in the afternoon, I went to 4:30 Bikram class. Our teacher was a woman who mainly teaches elsewhere in town. I'd taken one class from her before. She has a great, solid grasp of dialogue and challenged us without any shaming or ridicule. It was a hard but good class. I hydrated well beforehand, and I again found that I didn't need to drink as much water as I used to during class. In final savasana, I had an odd sensation of heat in my face and head, as if I might be running a fever, but the feeling passed quickly. When I got home, I was ravenously hungry, and I ate too much soup. I had juice, some Emergen-C, and water as well, and I felt like I might burst from all the liquid inside of me.

Got to sleep early that night--like 9:00. I slept like a log, and I slept a full 12 hours. When I woke up, I had a very stuffy nose, very much like an allergy. Worried for a bit that I was coming down with something, but all of the snotty/stuffy thing went away quickly and didn't come back. I decided it was a little more detoxing.

Taught an afternoon yoga class at a senior citizen's housing complex, and I was really happy with class. It's a weekly class at this facility, and I just started teaching there in December. One lady had been taught pranayama breathing, but other than that, none of the participants had ever done any yoga. They are getting more sure of themselves, willing to challenge themselves a little in some balancing postures. It's so gratifying to see people making progress and enjoying the class.

My Wednesday practice, at 4:30, felt great. I had another almost-new-to-me teacher, someone who'd taught at our studio regularly in the past but had been away for several months. It was probably about the third or fourth class I'd ever taken from her. She killed us, but I was feeling rested and ready for it. She kept us in balancing stick for almost twenty seconds each time, and she kept the room very hot. I did all of the postures, and I didn't feel the need to drink much water. If I keep going at this rate, I may be able to take a class from Mary Jarvis someday (She's one of Bikram's senior instructors; I've been told that she doesn't like to see people drink any water during class). Went home to dinner, hydration, and sleep.

All was well until early this morning. I woke up at about 3:30 AM and slept only in fits and starts until 8. I was forgetfully lolling around, reading in bed, thinking to myself that I had nowhere to be until 2PM, so I might as well relax. My boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed--a veggie omelet and potatoes with coffee, and I didn't eat a lot of it, but I ate some. By then it was
well after 10AM.

And I suddenly remembered that I really had to go to 11:30AM class if I was going to go at all today. I had meetings and teaching from 2 to 6 PM, and they were on the other side of town. I could try to get from the West side of town all the way to my studio between 6 and 6:30, but traffic can be unpredictable at that time of day. Past experience says that my chances of getting there on time are only 50/50 at best.

So I leapt out of bed, dressed and packed my stuff. Off to yoga. I was very worried about the food in my stomach and the probability of nausea. The teacher was a new graduate, and I've never had a class from her. For whatever reason, the room was much much cooler than normal. She even opened the window for an extended period. It was quite serendipitous--a nice cool room on the day I was most likely to feel nauseated in the heat. I made it through class just fine, but I kind of feel like we cheated.

My only worry right now is that I've been noticing a very slight discomfort in what I believe is my right medial collateral ligament. It feels strained whenever I catch myself without a properly contracted quadriceps during any 'lock the knee' activity, and it feels strained during head to the right knee position. From past experience, I know that being super aware of it, contracting the quads like a mofo, and not pushing or straining it will most likely lead to healing fairly quickly.

I've been enjoying soaking in a tub with lavender and epsom salts too.

My big question is, how do people with normal jobs ever manage to do something like this challenge? I feel as if it takes up so much time and energy! I hope that by the end of the challenge, doing yoga will seem like a routine maintenance activity, like brushing my teeth. Right now, it fills my thoughts constantly--time, transportation, eating soon enough but not too early, trying to find that perfect proper balance of hydration, getting the laundry dealt with, etc. I know that it will become more of a routine, and boy, am I ever looking forward to that!

Day Four: A Regurgitation, so to speak.

I went to the 6:30 PM class tonight. Although I have been trying to gradually work my way towards attending earlier classes, I had a busy day filled with work and errands, so class was the last obligation of the day. I was running late, so once again, no cool spot for me. I set up my mat and towel in the hot zone.

Before class started, I was pleased to see Sonya, my 101 Challenge buddy, was practicing right next to me. In spite of my attempts to focus on myself, I look around the room, like the busy-body that I am. My head fills with random shallow thoughts (oh my god, is that girl wearing men's Y-front undies for shorts? Wow, Jane sure has lost weight! She looks great. Who is that guy? Blah, blah, blah). But we began our breathing exercise, and my mind slowed down and stayed focused

For a bit.

As soon as we started half-moon, I couldn't help but notice that Sonya and I were in the midst of the super-yogis...a couple of teachers, a girl who used to be a nationally ranked gymnast, as well as two people who take the Advanced class and participate in Asana competitions. I've made so much progress with my half-moon posture, and I am usually so proud of that. Then I looked in the mirror and started comparing myself to the super-yogis, and I felt so...inadequate. And a little foolish for thinking that my half-moon was so bad-ass. One thought that entered my mind and made me afraid was, "How on earth can I ever aspire to attend Teacher Training? If I go, everyone there is gonna be like these guys--way better than me."

Yikes.

Well, I just had to tune out all that negativity and try to focus on myself. I'm improving, doing better than I used to, so I am winning the only competition that matters, the competition with myself. I can't resolve feeling inadequate in the middle of class, so I tried to just focus on my practice and to cultivate stillness.

I struggled a lot today to reduce the amount of fidgeting and fussing. No rearranging my top or my towel. Minimal hairdo adjustments (that's a tough one for me. I have yet to find the perfect solution to keeping my hair back and under control for the full 90 minutes). I was wearing a racer-back tank, and there was an ungodly itch right in the middle of the t-back, between my shoulder blades, in a spot I might not have been able to reach even if I wanted to scratch. But cultivating stillness helped a lot. I felt calm, still, relaxed in standing head to knee pose. It's always very challenging for me, and that challenge often makes me tense, trying too hard. It was lovely to just balance and be still. A new sensation, that stillness.

I was intent upon doing all of the postures, and I did so today. I drank less than half of my liter of water, even though it was very humid again today, and I was perspiring very heavily. I stayed resting in final savasana forever. I was lying there letting my mind just empty out, and suddenly I noticed that everyone else was gone. Got up, went into the lobby, chatted with Sonya for a bit, then went to the locker room. I drank a little more of my water, got into the shower, and then...

I threw up.

Geez. I don't know what brought it on. I didn't guzzle the water, and I drank far less than usual.
The 'vomit' was completely clear, just water. A teacher once told me that when people vomit after or during class, it's usually a detoxing response to too many stress hormones in the bloodstream. I didn't feel particularly stressed, so I don't know what to make of it. I came home and drank some delicious fresh organic juice, and I feel fine.

Four classes in the bag, ninety-seven to go...

Day 3--Observations

Yesterday's class was relatively small--27 people. On Saturday, there were more than 40 people in my class, and DSOTM class had 70!

So you'd think it would've been spacious and cool, but no such luck. Our studio has some small variations in heat and humidity from day to day, class to class, and there are parts of the room that are cooler than other areas, little regions with better air flow. It's kind of hilarious to see how quickly students find the cooler, airy places. People run in before they're even out of their street clothes to slap their mat down and claim a "good" spot. I've even seen little squabbles ensue, eg: "Did you move my mat? Well, somebody moved it; it was right where yours is now!"

So, when I got to class, there were about 15 mats in the 'cool' parts of the room, practically on top of one another. The rest of the room was sparsely occupied. I went to the hot side, not entirely willingly. If there's a cool spot open, usually, I'll take it.

I had a very sweaty practice! I didn't feel too hot, but I perspired much more heavily than usual. I think that the humidity was high. I'd done a good job of hydrating and made sure to get my electrolytes earlier in the day, but I ended up drinking the entire contents of my 1 liter water bottle during class, which is something I almost never do. I just felt parched and depleted! I felt as if I needed that water!

But of course, all of that liquid sloshing around in my stomach made me feel awful and I sat out part of camel and was just generally hating class because of it. Bleah!

Good things about Day 3: Standing head to knee continues to show improvement. I've definitely made some progress with this posture. My half-moon is better and easier all of the time. I am able to get through standing series without getting too dizzy, or at least, to not give into the fear I feel when I feel a little dizzy. I saw my 101 Challenge buddy, whom I will call Sonya, at class, which was heartening. I hadn't seen her on Days 1 & 2, and I was worried that she wasn't doing the challenge after all. That's not the case, and it's really nice to have a peer with whom to do the challenge.

Today, I'm gonna focus on focus! I want to concentrate on my asana, stay focused, and try to avoid being distracted in any way.

Tired

I was wide awake 'til at least 2AM. Then I slept deeply, had vivid, amazing, complicated dreams. I woke up around 9:30 because T was up, getting dressed to take the dog out. I rolled over and fell asleep again, dreamed more dreams and woke up at the shockingly late time of 12:30PM.

I dunno--I feel as if maybe I needed the sleep. It's been very difficult for me to maintain a consistent bedtime over holidays. And I took our dog out for an extra extra long walk yesterday, before my yoga class, much longer than usual. Because of rain, cold, and/or snow, I've been keeping the dog's walks to a minimum. Yesterday was beautiful, so we meandered through the neighborhood and the park for almost 3 hours on our afternoon walk.

Energy levels--I have a really hard time figuring out how much of my exhaustion and tiredness is truly physical and what is an emotional or mental exhaustion. I've had some heavy duty stress to deal with. My boyfriend, T, has a chronic, life-threatening illness, and the last two years have been really rough ones. (Right now, his health is better every day, and he keeps saying that he will join me at Bikram yoga class sometime soon).

Yoga definitely helps me to manage stress, but I do feel as if prolonged stress in my life has depleted me. Stress upsets and can deplete the adrenal glands, and, as luck would have it, I'm approaching the age where a woman's adrenals are given the added burden of taking over some hormonal production duties for the ovaries.

It makes sense that I'd be more tired more often, given my age and circumstances.

Last year, I cried at yoga class more times than I can count. I often find my eyes filling with tears as I rest in final savasana. Yoga seems to wring out my sorrow, wring out my tears and worries. It's a life saver.

The challenge is good for me because I am going to get a chance, daily, to let go of all that's been troubling me. I am going to get a chance, daily, to build more health in my body, to replenish every nook and cranny of my body with fresh blood, fresh oxygen. I get a chance every day to breathe a little deeper, a little slower, a little smoother, to get my body used to the relaxation response and less dependent on the old fight-or-flight.

Every day, yoga gives us the chance to begin again, and I am so grateful for that.

2 down, 99 to go!

Well, I s'pose it's TMI, but I started my period, like, 15 minutes before class today. I felt rather lethargic, sleepy, foggy-brained all day, and for some reason, I didn't feel like eating anything. So I went off to a 4:30 class without eating at all, all day. I had coffee in the morning and fresh juice in the afternoon, and water, water, water.

Class was crowded! New year's resolution crowd, you know. I couldn't see myself in the mirror for most of class. Nothing earth-shattering to report today. I did all of the postures, nothing felt super amazing, nothing was awful or hard, and class seemed to fly by quickly.

Ho hum.

Yoga In the Shadows

One of the things that I like best about Bikram yoga is that it can be so transforming, on so many levels. Bikram's series of postures is so well designed that the average person can feel changes in their health almost immediately. Yoga can heal us, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

A facebook friend sent me the trailer for this film that explores the power of yoga to help people heal from trauma and addictions. This is an independent documentary film, and it could use all of the support and encouragement it can get. If anybody out there is reading this blog, please take a look at the film's website and trailer:

www.yogaintheshadows.com

If you're on facebook, become a fb fan to raise awareness and show your support. Spread the word about this film. It has the potential to raise national awareness about the healing power of yoga.

"Breathe in the air/Don't be afraid to care.."

I'm home from my first Bikram class of 2010, and it was fantastic!

I had planned to get up fairly early, but I hit 'snooze' a couple of times and rolled outta bed less than 2 hours before I was due at the yoga studio. I felt huge, bloated, and PMS-y. Bleah. Not my favorite state in which to do yoga, but what can you do? It was a beautiful, sunny morning, and I'm glad that it didn't rain, snow, or freeze while I was out with my dog. In spite of doing a lot of yoga, I am still addicted to coffee, so I had a cup of the stuff, along with a couple of big glasses of water before I headed out for the studio.

The Dark Side of the Moon class was really a surreal experience. So much stuff went on, and I experienced so many different emotions that I can't begin to describe it all.

With the large number of people practicing today, there was a lot of readjusting of towels and mats, fidgeting, and giggling before class. Then one of the teachers announced that R, a regular student at our studio, was going to say a few words. R got up and said a few words about the year's end and the new year, saying good-bye to the past and being open to the present. Then she told us of the loss her family suffered last year: a family member was killed in Afghanistan while serving in the US military. She recited a poem and dedicated it to him. I cried. And I kept thinking of a few other people who passed on last year.

And then our teacher got up in the front of the room. For this, our DSOTM class, the teacher did the postures with us and called out minimal bits of dialogue ("change!"). It was easy to time the pranayama with the beat of the music. I was standing near a speaker, and when the music began, it seemed so loud, I thought I might be sick. It wasn't horribly loud, but I just get all sensitive and vulnerable to attacks of nausea in the yoga room. But somehow, even before we finished our first set of pranayama, the volume seemed just right to me.

In spite of feeling a little dehydrated, pre-menstrual and uncomfortable at the start of class, I had a kick-ass practice today. Standing head-to-knee is probably my worst posture. Today, I managed to kick out for almost the full amount of time. Normally, I only manage to kick out for a bit with the right leg and hardly at all with the left. Today I did both, for at least 80% of the posture's allotted time. A first for me. And I had one of best days ever with awkward pose too.

I'm not an old stoner, and I've never really listened to Pink Floyd a whole lot, so I feel like a total dork saying this, but it was just really amazing how fitting the lyrics and timing of the album are to the practice. "Breathe in the air/don't be afraid to care..." We put our palms up and said "Mama give me money!" just as the cash register bell began for the song, "Money," and everyone laughed. During "Us and Them," we were always bending down exactly as the word 'down' was being sung.

I'm quite sure that these lyrics of "Brain Damage" weren't written to mean anything of the sort, but they seemed like an ode to Bikram yoga during class:

You make me change.
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key.
There's something in my head
And it's not me.

So the album finished at the end of standing series. We had more music for floor series--Cat Power, a few Beatles songs, Earth,Wind & Fire singing 'Shining Star,' a few things I've already forgotten, and a couple of Bob Marley tunes to finish it up.

I'm a total dork, but lifting up into bow pose while Paul McCartney sang, "All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise," brought tears to my eyes. We all clapped along to a couple of songs while we shoulda been resting in savasana. Many people started singing along at various times. It was a trip. I laughed, I cried, I cheered. Cripes.

We did kapalabhati breathing to 'Exodus.' Here's my last "oh, wow, man!" dork-out about our stoner-music yoga day:

Open your eyes and look within.
Are you satisfied with the life you're living?

Move! Move! Move!

Dude, is every song really about yoga, or what?

I feel great right now, and I am really really really looking forward to the next 100 days.