Ugh.

So, now I have a new challenge, one I was not expecting and do not welcome. I am up in the air right now, after experiencing a LOT of emotional turmoil this evening. I don't know what to d0--don't know what I can do--in an upsetting and disappointing situation.

My studios have advanced classes twice a week. We don't have an officially certified-for-advanced class teacher, but we have two very accomplished certified teachers of the beginning series who "lead" the advanced practice. Right now, close to the Championships, the studios also have a coaching night for competitors, and coaching night is led by an advanced class teacher/leader.

My schedule has not allowed for me to attend advanced classes, though I was invited to attend (by the studio owner) a year ago. Having been encouraged to participate in the competition, I made plans to attend advanced class. Last night, I spoke with the studio owner, the studio manager, and another new-to-competition student about attending advanced tonight. I juggled my schedule and took beginning series class, worked a shift at the front desk, and was preparing to run to the other studio for advanced practice. The woman who is leading advanced had just finished teaching at the place I did my desk shift. When she was leaving, I said, "I guess I'll see you at advanced tonight," and that was the last normal moment in my life for the next hour.

She looked at me with a completely horrified expression, and she said, "Were you invited to attend advanced? Who told you you could go?" She went on to tell me that she feels I am not ready, and though she can't stop me from attending, she would prefer that I didn't.
I stared at her, looking like I don't know what, but I was stunned, hurt, bitterly disappointed, and just freaking shocked, really.

She said, "What are you thinking?" and I said, "All kinds of things, really." She said, "Oh? Tell me two or three of them." I told her that I was disappointed and felt very rejected. She said, "See? That's why I think you're not ready. It's not about your ego."

We actually sort of quarreled after that, trying to communicate. I felt as if everything I said was either misunderstood or invalidated by this woman, and I am really fairly flummoxed. This woman does the coaching for competition, and she leads one of the weekly advanced classes. I feel as if it is going to be very difficult and horrible for me to try to attend these classes with her as my coach and teacher.

I know that I am not perfect and I have ego issues and insecurities, but I can't help feeling that this woman was rude--or at least very insensitive--and not at all supportive of me or my practice. I feel very confused, because I've had several other teachers urge me to compete and to strive to go to teacher training, and to attend advanced practice. I am not the greatest yogi in the room, but my practice has come so far. It's baffling to be encouraged, then have someone in a position of authority take pains to DIScourage me. It is infuriating to try to explain my feelings and defend myself only to have my ego blamed for all the problems, mixed messages, and misunderstandings, the disappointment, hurt, and, well, what feels like disrespect. Ugh.

Maybe something will seem clearer later. I am hoping to speak with the studio owner tomorrow, but tonight, for a little while, it's felt like everything is ruined, that I'll never be able to take advanced, go to teacher training, or be in the competition. I am so angry with this teacher right now, and trying to resolve these emotions seems almost impossible. Let no one steal your peace, but gosh, I really didn't expect to have something like this happen. I don't know what to do. This woman has lots of influence at our studios. This disappointing assessment of my practice, along with the really really unpleasant interaction tonight makes me feel...very ill at ease.

What am I supposed to do here?

Talk about a challenge!

I've completed 5 classes in the Living Yoga 2 month Bikram yoga challenge. Every fall, the NE studio (now 2 studios) holds a yoga-thon challenge to raise money for Living Yoga and to encourage yogis to deepen their practice.

Living Yoga is a local non-profit that brings yoga classes (taught almost entirely by volunteers) to the incarcerated, to people in rehab, and to those living in shelters. It's a great organization, and at some point, I want to blog a bit about the program and the profound difference it's made for so many. All of us participating in the challenge are collecting sponsors/donations (hey, feel free to contact me by email if you want to pledge--no donation is too small!) and trying to ramp up our practices' frequency during the period from September 15 until November 15. My goal is 62 classes in these 62 days. Five down, 57 to go.

I am also finally going to try to drag myself into advanced class, and possibly to the 'coached' class for participants in the local/regional yoga championships. I do not want to compete. I mean, I really really don't want to do this thing.

I am old, my back's not flexible, and I don't have a very pretty practice.
I wobble, I grimace, I sweat and grunt and can't go very far in many many asana.
But my teachers encourage me to train for the competition, to do deeper work on my practice, and to challenge myself. Since I've expressed interest in teacher training, I'm told that taking part in the competition will be an especially valuable experience.

I'm not ready!
I'm gonna do it anyway.
Wheeee!
God, I'm scared.
Yikes!

Weird but good

My class today was strange, but I so needed it, and it felt really good.

I was a little sleep-deprived, and I've been doing a lot of heavy lifting, moving furniture and boxes. I'm clearing out a lot of stuff from my house, especially all the odds and ends that have accumulated in the storage area of the basement. I got up early today to hold a yard sale with my friend, S, and we had a good day, chatting to neighbors and yard salers, wheeling and dealing, hanging out in the sunshine.

I went to class with a little sunburn, and not quite as hydrated as I wanted to be. My back was stiff. My legs felt heavy. I had trouble with every single posture that involves back flexibility, which is to say, most of them.

During the 2 minute savasana, my unfocused mind was wandering a bit, and out the blue, I was thinking about a little boy I knew in grade school.

His name was John, and in first grade, Sister Marilyn made both of us sit in the front of the classroom because we were "talkers." We were thick as thieves, and we probably talked even more, up in the front row right next to each other. One day at school, John brought a Kennedy half-dollar to class, and he proudly showed it to me. It happened to be on my birthday, and later in the day, when Sister announced that it was my birthday, John turned around in his seat and gave me his half-dollar.

A few winters later, when we were in fourth grade, John died in a sledding accident. I haven't thought about him in years, and suddenly today in savasana, I was lying there crying, remembering this sweet little boy. How strange. But it is good to remember him.

What happened there?

Today I took a late morning class, and I felt like hell going in. I was still sleepy and stiff, and I have been having a slew of digestive issues these last few days. Bleah. Just didn't feel like being there.

Have you ever started to watch a movie or TV program, and felt bored or disinterested at the beginning, considered turning it off? But then, somehow, you get caught up in the story, you're dying to know what happens next, and you've sort of lost yourself for a while because you're enveloped in this other reality?

That's was class was like today. I was so bored with pranayama. I was so not into trying to touch the ceiling during half-moon warm-up. I felt achy and cranky, and I wanted to be home, in my bed, with the covers pulled up. But somehow, I don't when or how, my mind floated out of that attitude, and I was just so engrossed in the practice that I didn't really think anymore.

How does that stuff happen? Can't I always be in that magic, non-thinking state during yoga?

You learn something over & over every day.

As I was finishing up cleaning the showers at the yoga studio tonight, I suddenly realized how tired I was. I got home a little less than an hour ago. I got up at 6:00 AM today, and our new class schedule means that cleaning lasts until 11PM, at least. I'm not really pleased about that, but oh, well.

I got up early today because I had several errands that I needed to complete before "work." I wasn't working all day, mind you, just a few hours. This morning, my work was observing a yoga class for people with Multiple Sclerosis. I'm assisting the teacher, a certified Iyengar teacher who's been living with MS for a couple of decades. It was really interesting, and I am happy to be learning more about the adaptions to postures and more about restorative postures. Bikram is my true yoga-love, but I really like exploring other styles of yoga and learning about postures or sequences that are helpful for specific groups of people. Sometimes it helps me appreciate my 26 & 2 even more!

There was one particular student who had pretty severe mobility issues, but she kept working on her practice. Tonight at my Bikram class, I was thinking of her and also remembering people from my seniors gentle yoga classes. There have been days at Bikram classes when a teacher told me to do something differently or to put more effort into it, and I thought things like, "Bitch, please, I am holding my stomach in," or, "This IS the best I can do! Lay off!" Seeing other people, outside the little bubble of our studio, doing yoga and really meeting the challenge of it, without complaint or self-pity--it makes me feel a little bit ashamed of myself. The challenges of yoga are so much deeper than the physical postures, and I can't seem to learn that fact well enough.

Ah, off to bed now.

On my way to becoming Fireproof?

Today was so beautiful--a perfect autumn day: a crisp nice morning and a gorgeous sunny afternoon. It's a little sad to see the days getting shorter, but we even had a pretty sunset this evening. Me and my Buddy had the best walk ever today, and one of us chased a tennis ball around the park until he got so tired he couldn't stand up.

I spent the late afternoon at the studio, working and taking a class. The old studio has been really hot the last few days. Yesterday, I practiced at the new studio but went to the old one to do some work. People coming out of the last class at the old studio looked drained, drenched, and traumatized. The teacher told me that he felt like he was gonna pass out, it was so hot. According to the thermometer in the yoga room, it reached 118F.

So today, I took my class (no water again), and was busy thinking about my practice, thinking about what to make for dinner, thinking about friends, conversations, and job applications. My mind was wandering all over the place. I thought about how nice water was going to taste when class was finally over. I thought about that a lot.

My wandering thoughts made practice difficult in some ways. I had a hard time balancing today. In standing head to knee, by now I always lock the damn knee, for sure. But I was very wobbly today, fell out several times. Same deal with standing bow pulling pose: Wobbly, falling out. I feel as if I did a great balancing stick today though. And come to think of it, half-moon felt especially good today too.

Practicing this yoga is never easy, but some days it's really really incredibly draining, challenging, difficult, painful, or exhausting. I have lots of those rough days, days when I sit out postures or want to do so. Surprisingly, I didn't feel tired out or too hot today at class, not at all. I felt a little scatter-brained and distracted, but physically comfortable with the practice.

When we got out of class, everyone else was exclaiming, "Oh my god, it was hot!" and that sort of thing. Turns out it was 117-118 again.

I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE HEAT!

This feels like some kind of amazing break-through to me in some ways. I didn't have an outstanding class, in terms of how I executed my asana, and I didn't maintain focus very well, but I withstood extra heat without even noticing it, without my mind complaining. Damn, that feels good!

Thirsty!

I didn't drink water during class this afternoon, but it was an accident. I was working at the front desk just prior to class, signing in students, and I had to dash around, locking the front door, double checking that everyone had what they needed, and so on, just as class was starting. I ran into the room at the last minute, and I forgot to bring my water bottle.

It was fine. I was really wishing for my cool water by the time we hit fixed firm pose. It's always my weak moment. I can skip party time and any other water break, but I like a drink as I get into fixed firm. Hmph. I lived without it, no problem. And I hadn't really done much hydrating throughout the day either. I should maybe try to do without it a little more often.