Day 71: Muddling Through & Whining a Bit...

I'm in a daze. I feel, once more, as if I am fighting off illness. Yesterday, after a pretty good late morning class, I threw up. Ugh. Had a headache the rest of the day, and by mid-afternoon, I had flu-like body aches too. I broke down and took ibuprofen, an extreme measure by my standards.

I woke with a lot of congestion, and I had very little energy. My head felt fevery and hot. I wanted to skip class today, but I went anyway. One of my fellow students was urging me to go and just do one set of each posture.

It turned out to be a lot better class than I expected. I sat out one set of triangle, but I made it through all of the other postures with no real problems. I didn't drink any water during class today, fearful about being able to keep it down.

In the last week, teachers are suddenly giving me corrections for postures that I thought I was doing properly. Am I slipping, or are the teachers demanding more of me now?

During pranayama, one teacher yells "No back- bending, Sisya!" on a fairly regular basis. I don't feel like I am back-bending, and after class last week, I asked her to go through it with me and tell me when I was back-bending. She said, "Oh, that looks pretty good. You got it." Then today at class, what do I hear during pranayama? "NO back-bending, Sisya!"

ARRGH!

Another teacher said, "Sisya, don't let your chest collapse!" during pranayama in two separate classes in the last week. No one has ever before said that I let my chest collapse. Is my chest really collapsing? WTF? She's a new teacher, and very young...maybe middle-aged DDs look like a collapsed chest to her, regardless of what my ribcage and sternum are doing. Or maybe I've been doing everything wrong the whole time. I feel baffled!

In the past, many teachers have told me that my awkward pose is very good. Lately, one teacher keeps yelling at me, saying that I am "hunching" forward in the first part, not "showing a lumbar curve, " not back far enough with the upper body. It's making me crazy! I can't see or feel "hunching" in my spine.

I was also told, today, that I am not relaxing my shoulders properly in standing bow pulling pose. That's another new one for me.

If I hadn't been so exhausted after class today, I might have asked for a mini posture clinic afterward. I love corrections when I can actually identify what I'm being told to correct, but it's hella frustrating when I can't feel and/or see what I am doing wrong.

Ah, well, how will I ever learn what's in my blind spot if I don't listen to my teachers giving me corrections? I know it's really a gift. I'm just not in the mood to open these presents right now! I hope to feel better tomorrow and to DO better tomorrow too, in my asana, my attitude and my focus.

And I hope the rest of the 101 Challengers are doing great!

Day 68: Focus = Peace

Winter has returned. It was cold, wet, rainy, and windy today. It felt so nice to get into the studio and relax into the heat.

Class was taught by the teacher whom people fear. My teacher is really getting better and better, and while she still pushes people to work in class, she is smoothing things out so that she inspires and encourages too. She did a lovely thing today. Gently, without making a fuss about it, she paid extra attention to my old friend, The Crying Girl, and The Crying Girl was almost Quiet Girl today.

The Crying Girl has often burst into sobs during classes, with and without tears. The Crying Girl hums and vocalizes throughout class, every class. The Crying Girl is almost always at the afternoon or evening classes that I attend. I try to focus on myself, I think, "Let nothing steal your peace!" but I still find myself sighing inwardly and sometimes cursing silently when I hear the sobs or humming begin.

My teacher gave several gentle, direct corrections to The Crying Girl about her postures, right at the beginning of class. She pushed and prodded The Crying Girl into a state of concentration. And throughout the rest of class, The Crying Girl was mostly quiet.

When I've felt annoyed and cranky about the noise, then felt ashamed of myself for being so bothered by what doesn't concern me, I have often said to myself, "This girl just really needs or wants, on some level, to be noticed and acknowledged." My teacher not only acknowledged and noticed her, she also got her to focus on her postures so intently that the need to make noise was gone.

The teacher whom everyone fears is really an amazing teacher.

Next time, it ought to be MY turn--I could use somebody pushing me into better focus and a state of concentration. Focus and concentration can quiet the chatter in my mind or the noise in the room. If I focus and concentrate, I have peace, no matter what anyone else is doing.

Day 66: Patience

Our studio has these words painted on the wall above the mirrors: Faith, Self-Discipline, Determination, Concentration, Patience. They're all qualities that Bikram yoga will demand of you. They're qualities that a Bikram yoga practice will help you develop. When I first started coming to classes at this studio, I really loved having the words up there to remind me. It's been a long time since I paid them any notice though.

Today, leaning back into fixed firm, I felt a little restless, wanting to make class move faster. I was grumbling a little inside too, thinking that it really sucks to still have to keep my knees way apart ("New York, LA") in this posture, after all this time doing the yoga.

So, of course, as I raised my upper body out of the posture, what did I notice, right in front of me? The word, "Patience," written in letters ten inches tall. Could it be any clearer?

I practiced on the "hot" side of the room today, over by the folks I call the super-yogis. I managed to keep my focus mostly on myself and avoided comparing my practice to others'. It was hot, but it didn't feel hot to me. I guess my heavy sweating was doing its job, keeping my body cool.

Another student asked me about how the challenge was going, and she wanted to know if I noticed "new aches and pains." It's funny, because although my muscles often get very tired as I try to move more fully into a posture these days, I don't really feel tired, achy, or sore muscles later on. I have noticed small weird aches in my legs and hips occasionally. It feels like realignment pain--like my whacked out knee is slowly moving back into the right place, or that my hip joints are slowly slowly opening a bit more. I don't know if that's the case or not, but that's how it seems to me.

I'm baffled by how my appetite changes with this practice. For awhile, I came out of every class ravenous, ready to eat a horse. Then for awhile, I didn't feel like eating much. Then I went through the intensive pickle cravings for weeks and weeks, and I indulged them. Lately, I crave fruit juices and protein. I can't get enough protein. I'm eating fish, eggs, meat, nuts, seeds, you name it. Right now, if I didn't have to leave the house for it, I'd get a quart of fresh juice--preferably something with berries in it--and a big old steak, medium rare. Yikes.

Day 65: Lovely Day

We had the most beautiful spring weather today. I took my Buddy dog on a nice little walk (his leg is healing up nicely) and spent a lot of the day in the garden. Went to the last yoga class of the day at my studio.

I have no special progress or insight to report, but I felt good during class, feel great right now. I guess that's actually progress! I am getting to class, doing both sets of all the postures, and loving my practice. That's all I've got tonight, but that's more than enough for me!

Day 63--A Piece of Blueberry Cheesecake

Today was almost...dare I say...easy, a piece of cake.

Well, no, it wasn't exactly easy. I remember how difficult it was to try to hold proper alignment for half-moon. It was hard to catch my breath after standing head to knee. And I fell out of head-to-knee several times. I struggled with triangle and was called out for not having my thigh parallel to the floor. I felt like a broken toy during full locust. All I could think of during bow pose was that I waould have the chance to drink water before fixed firm. I got scared and felt my throat ache during camel.

So it wasn't an easy class. Not at all.

But somehow, it was a pure pleasure to do yoga today. I loved class today. It wiped me out, and I am famished and exhausted. But it was just perfect. It was a difficult class, but so easy to be there, doing the yoga. Something's changing in my brain. This stuff is so amazing.

Day 61 Bikram in the Room

I went to the last class of the day, and even as I walked in to lay down my mat and towel, I could tell it would be a difficult class. It was very humid again, and pretty darn hot!

There were 2 newcomers right behind me today. A young woman who'd been to our last community class brought in 2 friends. They were both hiding under giant T-shirts and long pants. As class progressed, they rolled up the pant-legs. One of them shed her T-shirt, as she had a sport/bra top on under it. They both struggled mightily with class, but they signed up for 1 month intro packages, so I am hoping to see them again.

So, class was very humid and hot, and I was drenched, soaked through, sweating gallons and gallons. I was a little dizzy, but I powered on through. Teacher suggested sips of water for the weak ones among us, just before triangle, and I sat down to take a drink. I was feeling wiped out, and my inner monologue was something like this:

I'm so tired. I could just sit out the first set of triangle. Then I'll feel better for the rest of class.

Wait. What about trying to bring some determination and focus to class? What about all that crap I just blogged about wanting to do?

Oh, no one here reads that.

How do you ever freaking expect to get through teacher training if you can't handle one hot humid class? What if Bikram was here? Would you still just want to rest instead of using/developing focus and determination if Bikram were here?

And then I stood up, started triangle, and thought, "Wait a minute...Bikram is here! Every day!" That made me smile, and I finished up the class without sitting any postures out.

Pardon me if I sound like a cult member. Maybe it's what happens during a challenge. But honestly, Bikram's words, his instruction, his inspiration, and his constant needling and pushing and insisting that we do better--they are all with us every day at Bikram yoga class. He's not a god ( I think, but you never know...), yet his presence extends far beyond his own body. And Boss definitely has my respect and gratitude. And it makes me want to do better!

I'm thinking of Johan and Happy Yogi, who got to take classes from the Boss for real this week. More inspiration.

Day 60! Woohoo!

We've made it to Day 60! This is the first challenge that I've ever done, and coming to this point feels HUGE to me.

Class today was interesting. I started out strong, felt as if I really had some focus during the standing series. It was an intensely humid class, and I was sweating buckets. I got very worn out, and I ended up drinking water at fixed firm. I sat out one set of camel, afraid of the water-in-stomach nausea, but also hoping to catch my breath. I wish that I had finished up strong, but I was drained, exhausted by the end.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like, at yoga. It's a new class every time, isn't it?