Svadhyaya 101

2010-12-11T23:50:00.000-08:00

Things are settling down for me a bit. I feel much more optimistic about my yoga practice tonight. I don't know why, but the teacher with whom I've had issues is not teaching at our studios, at least not in the next month or so. It's a bit of a relief to me. I was just having a very hard time feeling okay when I took classes from her. I have been trying to remind myself that it is always MY practice, no matter what, and I'm going to continue trying to convince myself of it!

One of my teachers told me that the 2 year mark is a bit of a watershed for many Bikram yogis. She said that at this point, you either choose to move deeper into the practice or you move away from it. She said she's often seen people go on to take up some other sport or activity after about 2 years of dedicated practice. She said studio owners seem to have a 5 year shelf life, too.

I was trying to explain to her what I'm struggling with, internally, about my practice. For the first year or so, it felt like everyone was like, "yea! Good for you! You're doing yoga, and you're coming to class a lot! Awesome!" Then, sometime in my second year of regular practice, it started to feel like some of the teachers and regular students were more like, "Can't you do any better than that? Why aren't you trying harder? You need to work harder! You're not doing it right!"

And, yeah, after a while, it's reasonable for teachers to push harder, expect more, etc. It's just...hard sometimes.

One thing that's helped me a lot lately is being reminded of the physical benefits of the practice. I SO took it to heart the first time I heard, "As long as you're doing your best, you're getting the full physiological benefit of the posture." One of my facebook friends has a sister who owns a Bikram Yoga studio. She had posted an article about the health benefits of yoga, and while I know most all of that stuff by now, it really helped me to read it all again. I'm not doing yoga with pretty pretty postures as my goal; I'm doing yoga because it's really freaking good for my health--physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Cold Snap/The Winter of My Discontent

2010-12-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

It's chilly outside now, and the yoga studio's heating system hasn't been fully adjusted to cope with the change in the weather. We had a cool class tonight. The room was 96 degrees F when class began, and it warmed up as we went along. By the time we were on the floor, it was just about exactly perfect by Bikram's standards.

In a lot of ways, I missed the higher temps. I was feeling a little rusty anyway since I'd done no yoga for a couple days prior to class. I was so stiff in my back, my hamstrings, my shoulders. Trying to stretch my creaky old body in the "cold" room made me long for that sweaty, delicious and simultaneously unbearable heat.

Yet I had a so much more stamina than usual. It's very frustrating to me. I sweat so heavily when the room is 105 or higher. And our local studios are often much hotter than 105. I've bitched and moaned in previous posts about the studio floor with radiant heat. It's like being on a hot pizza stone. Lying on the hot hot hot floor, sometimes I feel as if my blood will just start to congeal like a fried egg. It's seriously stolen my peace more than once.

When the room is "too" hot (but how hot is too hot?), I sweat gallons, and I feel so depleted, so exhausted, so wiped out that I have to really force myself to continue doing postures. At the hottest of the hot studios, I almost never have a "good" class, and by "good" I mean a class where I feel strong most the way through, able to do some semblance of every posture, every set, without having to dig deep and summon up strength and will and guts and determination. When you practice every day, is it normal to need to dig deep every single day? Was I crazy to think that I could do this yoga sometimes without hurting and suffering?

When did my teachers stop saying that "Relax, it's only yoga," thing?

My cold class today was so much easier than normal. It makes me wonder about how often we seem to push through extremes in temperature and humidity. Whenever I'm having a hard time, somebody's always ready to chime in and tell me that it's all in my mind. I dunno. I think I am just finding my threshold, finding the place where it's a challenge but not a beat-down. For my body and my mind. I feel like such a whiner, but damn it, I've been slogging along and digging deep for a long while now. I was hoping, by now, to be a little more fireproof than this.

No guru, no method, no teacher?

2010-11-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

It's been forever since I've blogged. I've lately had some complicated feelings about my practice, my life, and my health. It's difficult to sort out, to put into words. There's been a little bit of drama at our studio that didn't involve me directly, but it...gave me pause, I guess. I've had some conflicting and complicated feelings and thoughts about yoga, the world of Bikram yoga, and the community at my studio. Kind of messy stuff.

I began practicing Bikram yoga regularly during a very stressful time in my life. My partner was incredibly ill, our finances were (and still are) a mess, and I was struggling with depression. Yoga reduced my anxiety, gave me a little island of peace. It was tough but it always made me feel better. It was one place in my life where I could feel really free and focus on myself.

After my disappointment with the teacher who leads advanced class, going to yoga class started to feel stressful, started to create anxiety for me. I often found myself in this teacher's class. (My studio has always kept the teaching schedule varied and confidential because in the past, some popular teachers had over-crowded classes and some teachers' classes were avoided and empty. There are times of day and days of the week when more students attend, so mixing up the schedule gives both teachers and students the chance to experience variety).

There was never any resolution to our 'conflict,' and I felt very much as if the teacher was scrutinizing my postures all the time, trying to find fault, justify her stance that I wasn't ready for advanced class.

I try to focus on my own stuff, and keep reminding myself that my practice is mine, and I don't need to prove anything to anyone.

Yet, almost immediately after the incident, I felt a sharp increase in the amount of stress I held in my body. I had stiffness, aches and pains I hadn't experienced in a very long time. I came down with a very nasty sinus infection that still hasn't cleared up completely. I have a weird rash on my face (always good for a girl's self-esteem, ha). I got digestive problems, and I vomited during classes several times in the last month or two, even when I didn't drink water during class.

And about half way through October, there were some incidents among other staff members. A couple of decisions were made that hurt some people I care for. It upset me. I've been feeling a lot of disillusionment. I have less faith in several teachers and staff members. I've started to feel like I might be in the wrong place. I have been questioning whether or not to leave this studio, or to leave the Bikram yoga practice. I think I still have deep faith and connection to the yoga, to the series. I believe in the power of this yoga. But I don't know if I want to go to teacher training anymore.

I guess that one of the issues I'm trying to digest right now is that I do not perceive the most influential people in my studio to be supportive. The whole "tough love" thing works a lot better if the criticism, attacks, or challenges come from a teacher or guru or mentor who is also able to demonstrate some measure of care or respect for a student. I want, and think that I need, less tough, more love.

And while my practice and what I do with it are certainly MY responsibility, I wonder if there is anywhere in Bikram world where I might feel encouraged again, feel welcomed. I feel as if going to teacher training now would be like being beaten with a stick. Maybe it's not for me.

So, I am slogging along.

I got to take a class from a senior teacher recently, and she said, to the class as a whole,"You're trying too hard, and you're making it hard. Do this, as an experiment: Come to class and just go through the motions, let go of trying. Then see what happens in your postures."

So, I am going to go through the motions for a while, see what happens.

Just rambling

2010-10-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

I got sick at class today. Boo.

I am starting all over, from scratch--again!--with standing bow. I love love this posture, but I have been on a mission to systematically remove my quirky alignment issues, one by one. Found a big one today, and correcting it means relearning the balance for the posture, distributing my weight differently. Exciting to see clearly what needs work and how to go about changing it, working on it. It's a mini-bummer to see that I've not been doing the posture as well as I'd like, but it sure is nice to know how to improve.

I'm not quite sure about my future in the advanced class (a continuing issue I might write more about in the future). Yesterday, after the last class, I was alone at the studio to do the cleaning and did some simple asana that are not part of beginning series. In my non-Bikram teacher training, I learned a lot of the postures that are part of advanced series. I'm slightly foggy on the sequences in AS, and I would not want to try to do any of it on my own anyway. But I did a few of the postures that I felt I knew well, and it felt good.

One of my dearest yoga buddies (another student who wants to do competition but was not welcome at advanced) and I were chatting recently, and we've decided to work together on some things. A kind teacher has offered to meet with us a couple of times to not only give us some individualized instruction, but to also take some pictures of us in various postures. It's so sweet.

I am feeling a little better and maybe a little bitter about the not very encouraging teacher.

But I am so so grateful for the community and the goodness amongst yogis. I really love the studio owners, and some of the teachers are just downright incredible human beings, so helpful, so caring. I'm so glad to practice yoga with so many good folks, so many cool people who take classes at our studios. I feel close to a bunch of you yoga bloggers and blog readers too now. In a way, we're all doing yoga together. It's pretty freaking lovely, really.

You Might Not See It...

2010-10-01T02:02:00.000-07:00

There are so many ways to teach Bikram's Beginning Series! It's pretty mind-boggling, considering that Bikram yoga classes are all taught from the same dialogue, how individual teachers bring their own energy, mood, perspective, wisdom, experience, etc, combine it with Bikram's instructions, and create their own unique classes.

Since I want to teach Bikram's Beginning Series someday, I'm paying more attention to how teachers teach. Tonight, after a really lovely class taught by a very gentle, upbeat, and kind-hearted teacher, I was a little surprised by what he had to say about why he taught the way he did.

A few students were sitting in the lobby after class, talking about our practices, and a student said, "I always feel like the second I feel as if I've gotten better at posture, I get a whole bunch of corrections. When I was just struggling with the posture, nobody gave me corrections." He was feeling a little discouraged.

Gosh, I think I once blogged about feeling the same way! Once I felt as if I was seeing changes in my postures (during my first challenge), it was like the teachers jumped all over me, expected much more of me, whereas before the challenge, I'd been slogging along there for months with no comments on many of my not-so-great asana.

We were all musing over various corrections we'd been given, and another student asked our teacher about how & when he chose to give feedback.

My teacher said, "I got the shit kicked out of me my whole life, and I don't want to inflict things on others. Some studios demand that you do your teaching in a specific style, but I teach here because I teach best when I'm just being myself. When I give an instruction or a correction and a student isn't doing what I asked him to do, I figure, he either can't physically do it, isn't ready psychologically to do it, or he just doesn't want to do it. If he doesn't want to do it, he's only hurting himself, not me or anyone else, so I just let it be."

I guess the thing that shocked me most was hearing this teacher, a very nice, funny, positive person, say that he'd had the shit kicked out of him his whole life. He is so gentle, so calm, serene. He seems so content, so at peace with the world. I love his classes because his peacefulness permeates the class. He seems so free of suffering and insecurity, yet he's evidently endured some intense hardships in his life.

I guess that I sometimes mistakenly assume that people who are content and happy haven't had the same sorts of problems and obstacles in their lives as those of us who are currently struggling. What a huge mistake!

Similarly, without thinking about it, I found myself making the assumption that B, a woman at our studios who does doubles on a very regular basis and has a beautiful, accomplished practice, doesn't struggle much anymore. It was so surprising to hear her saying what a lousy class she had, how she didn't feel good, wanted to leave the room, was disappointed in her execution of some postures. From a distance, I watch her and think that it looks so easy for her, but it's not.

It's always a challenge. You might not see it unless you look for it, but each of us has our own struggle. We're all human, and we can't live in this beautiful world without experiencing pain and adversity. It's all the more amazing, admirable, and inspiring to see the beauty of someone's practice or feel the calm, positive energy of another yogi or teacher when you consider how much work s/he's done to achieve it.

Letting No one Steal Your Peace?

2010-09-27T12:46:00.001-07:00

I'm supposed to meet with the studio owner and the adv. teacher tomorrow. I spoke with the owner about the whole incident, and I dunno. Owner described the teacher as "tactless," but seems to think that it's not that big a deal. Owner gave me a lot of the "let no one steal your peace" stuff.

I don't want to be treated unfairly or badly. If I seek to remove myself from classes and a teacher who does that, am I copping out, am I letting her steal my peace?

This feels like a no-win situation.
Either I take classes with this teacher, which pretty much guarantees that I'll be asked to take crap from her --(and by 'take crap,' I don't mean being criticized or pushed hard or challenged; I mean being treated badly by someone who doesn't care about me or my practice one iota)-
-or I miss out on advanced class and competition coaching,
or I go to great lengths to find some other arrangement to move forward with my practice--like starting all over at a new studio, or finding someone else who will help coach me, or putting it all on hold for another year.

I wish things were different. I don't know what to do. Gonna take the dog to the park, sit in the sun, and pray. My problems are little in the grand scheme of things. I'm going to try to summon up some gratitude and calmness.

Focus on Practice

2010-09-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

I felt as if I had good stamina today. I made it through my class and my work with no problems. I did all of my postures and felt pretty good about my practice.

When I'm in the standing separate leg head to knee pose, with my forehead on my knee, trying to keep my eyes open and not let sweat drip into eyes, sometimes I find myself looking at the mirrors on the side wall. More than once, I've been unable, for a moment at least, to tell which hips in black shorts and which set of legs are my own. It's a weird feeling!

I am finding that I have the strength and stamina to do a lot more consistent contracting of my muscles; I'm able to keep them contracted throughout postures. In the past, I found it very difficult. It feels great to be able to do it better, do it more.

It's most obvious in the old standing head to knee/lock the damn knee scenario (contracting the quadriceps), but I am seeing improvement in a lot of other postures when I focus on contracting muscles.

Keeping the arms straight and contracting triceps, focusing attention on my arms really helps me keep my balance better in the second part of awkward pose. I've had to work hard to focus on contracting the quads in the separate leg stretching posture. I was hyper-extending at the knee for a long time, focusing on other aspects of the posture, unaware that I wasn't engaging the quads. I especially feel a great difference when I contract the leg muscles, lock the knees, and contract the glutes in cobra pose. I am just really loving cobra pose lately.

The postures I want to work on most right now are bow pose and camel. I want to work on staying aligned well in these postures so that I'll be able to release into more of my spine. Right now, I'm aware of a lot of tiny odd things that I do with my neck if I'm not careful. I mean, I do hunchy little things, sort of going forward with my neck before I go back, and it makes a world of difference when I put my attention there and let things line up naturally.

It is amazing to find the myriad ways in which my body holds tension and how that tension can distort my body's natural healthy alignment. The distortions in the neck, back, and shoulders can be so subtle, and so habitual. Some things require a lot of work to change and/or release, but so many of them only ask us to pay a little more attention. How sweet that we can help ourselves with just a little focused effort.

Not the first time this has happened...

2010-09-25T11:57:00.001-07:00

Yoga studio drama continues...

The studio owner has not returned my call. Studio manager says the owner's out of town for the weekend.

I'm sure that there are students who want to rush into advanced class before they've built a good foundation. I'm sure that there are many times when a teacher needs to gently suggest that someone work on a specific aspect of their practice before moving on to advanced series. I understand that it can be really difficult for a teacher in those circumstances. It requires a lot of diplomacy and care to communicate real encouragement to the student while still letting her or him know that more work is needed before advancing.

I spoke with two other people who are regulars at my studios, who've competed in the championships and taken advanced series. There is, they say, a history of this teacher being rude, discouraging, humiliating, exclusionary and uncooperative with people who want to move up to a new level in their practice. One of these students told me about a couple of instances that took place and said, "I bet (the owners) get at least one email or call each week complaining about (teacher in question)." She said, "Don't worry, it's not you. It's her." She urged me to stand my ground and insist on taking the classes with the 'mean' teacher.

The thing is, I don't want to take a class or be coached by somebody who is so disrespectful towards me. I don't trust this person. I don't feel she has my best interests at heart. She does not appear to support my practice or my personal growth in any way. I don't feel very well served by taking her classes. She is really really good at doing the postures. She is really good at telling you what's wrong with your postures. But I don't feel supported or encouraged or improved by her instruction. I am so...fed up with her right now that if I were not a work/trade member of the studio, if I didn't have a paid position there, I would stop coming to these studios and go somewhere else. If I could, I would avoid this person for the rest of my life.

In a really lovely, fair, pleasant all the time world, the studio owner would remove this person from her position leading advanced class and coaching for competition. But I don't think that's gonna happen, any more than I expect the 'mean' teacher to suddenly become kind, encouraging, and inspiring to me. This teacher has a long history of unpleasant interactions with students, and it doesn't seem like she's ever been held accountable for it. I guess I'm supposed to get all yogic and spiritual about it and figure out some way to deal with her. Right now, I feel like, "f*ck that." It ain't right, she's not right, and I don't want to deal with her.

So here's the worst part: I have a desk shift and cleaning shift before and after her class this afternoon. If I want to practice today, I have to take her class. There's no way that I can sign in students today without having to talk to her. F*ck.

Full moon, head full of thoughts, heart full of emotions...

2010-09-24T03:56:00.000-07:00

So, I am thinking more about my interaction with the advanced teacher/competition coach, and I feel so...squashed. I feel a little bit like she crapped all over my yoga.

I can't begin to imagine how I could possibly take classes and be coached by someone who doesn't want me in her class, doesn't think I am prepared for advanced classes, speaks to me in a disrespectful manner, and shows very little concern for my feelings.

I don't mind the idea of a coach who pushes you hard or pressures you to do more, but I can't bear the thought of training with someone who doesn't seem to want me to succeed.

I have learned one thing from this situation: You can know a ton about the postures and alignment, but that knowledge alone won't necessarily make you a good teacher. If you don't have compassion and respect for your students, you can hurt them more than help them. My feelings are hurt, but I'm not so fragile that this will ruin me. But I know that I never want to discourage students when I teach.

In my limited experience, teaching other styles of yoga, I have taught people who are elderly and have come close to giving up on their health, their bodies, and sometimes even on life itself. I've taught at risk youth, and girls in drug treatment, kids who have sometimes been told again and again that they're not good enough for success, for college, for a good job, for love, for a decent life. People with fragile hope need to be treated with care and compassion. One of the things I cherish about yoga is how the practice can bring us back to our strengths, can show us possibility. I want to, and I try to, nurture a sense of possibility in students. Yoga is so challenging, but so forgiving and so welcoming.

I wish I had a kind-hearted advanced teacher/coach who was sensitive to my feelings and supported me in my goals.

I don't know how I can compete if I don't take this not-so-kind teacher's classes. But I don't think I can take her classes. I could go once a week, to the other advanced class, and try to work more on my own. I can't afford to pay for practice at another studio, and I've worked hard to get my work trade and paid position at our NE studios. I don't know. I just feel a little lost and heartsick, and I'm trying to let go of it, let god or the universe or some divine spirit of yoga take care of it or show me what to do. It's not the end of the world, but it sure threw a wrench in my little plans and dreams.

Ugh.

2010-09-23T21:12:00.001-07:00

So, now I have a new challenge, one I was not expecting and do not welcome. I am up in the air right now, after experiencing a LOT of emotional turmoil this evening. I don't know what to d0--don't know what I can do--in an upsetting and disappointing situation.

My studios have advanced classes twice a week. We don't have an officially certified-for-advanced class teacher, but we have two very accomplished certified teachers of the beginning series who "lead" the advanced practice. Right now, close to the Championships, the studios also have a coaching night for competitors, and coaching night is led by an advanced class teacher/leader.

My schedule has not allowed for me to attend advanced classes, though I was invited to attend (by the studio owner) a year ago. Having been encouraged to participate in the competition, I made plans to attend advanced class. Last night, I spoke with the studio owner, the studio manager, and another new-to-competition student about attending advanced tonight. I juggled my schedule and took beginning series class, worked a shift at the front desk, and was preparing to run to the other studio for advanced practice. The woman who is leading advanced had just finished teaching at the place I did my desk shift. When she was leaving, I said, "I guess I'll see you at advanced tonight," and that was the last normal moment in my life for the next hour.

She looked at me with a completely horrified expression, and she said, "Were you invited to attend advanced? Who told you you could go?" She went on to tell me that she feels I am not ready, and though she can't stop me from attending, she would prefer that I didn't.
I stared at her, looking like I don't know what, but I was stunned, hurt, bitterly disappointed, and just freaking shocked, really.

She said, "What are you thinking?" and I said, "All kinds of things, really." She said, "Oh? Tell me two or three of them." I told her that I was disappointed and felt very rejected. She said, "See? That's why I think you're not ready. It's not about your ego."

We actually sort of quarreled after that, trying to communicate. I felt as if everything I said was either misunderstood or invalidated by this woman, and I am really fairly flummoxed. This woman does the coaching for competition, and she leads one of the weekly advanced classes. I feel as if it is going to be very difficult and horrible for me to try to attend these classes with her as my coach and teacher.

I know that I am not perfect and I have ego issues and insecurities, but I can't help feeling that this woman was rude--or at least very insensitive--and not at all supportive of me or my practice. I feel very confused, because I've had several other teachers urge me to compete and to strive to go to teacher training, and to attend advanced practice. I am not the greatest yogi in the room, but my practice has come so far. It's baffling to be encouraged, then have someone in a position of authority take pains to DIScourage me. It is infuriating to try to explain my feelings and defend myself only to have my ego blamed for all the problems, mixed messages, and misunderstandings, the disappointment, hurt, and, well, what feels like disrespect. Ugh.

Maybe something will seem clearer later. I am hoping to speak with the studio owner tomorrow, but tonight, for a little while, it's felt like everything is ruined, that I'll never be able to take advanced, go to teacher training, or be in the competition. I am so angry with this teacher right now, and trying to resolve these emotions seems almost impossible. Let no one steal your peace, but gosh, I really didn't expect to have something like this happen. I don't know what to do. This woman has lots of influence at our studios. This disappointing assessment of my practice, along with the really really unpleasant interaction tonight makes me feel...very ill at ease.

What am I supposed to do here?

Talk about a challenge!

2010-09-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

I've completed 5 classes in the Living Yoga 2 month Bikram yoga challenge. Every fall, the NE studio (now 2 studios) holds a yoga-thon challenge to raise money for Living Yoga and to encourage yogis to deepen their practice.

Living Yoga is a local non-profit that brings yoga classes (taught almost entirely by volunteers) to the incarcerated, to people in rehab, and to those living in shelters. It's a great organization, and at some point, I want to blog a bit about the program and the profound difference it's made for so many. All of us participating in the challenge are collecting sponsors/donations (hey, feel free to contact me by email if you want to pledge--no donation is too small!) and trying to ramp up our practices' frequency during the period from September 15 until November 15. My goal is 62 classes in these 62 days. Five down, 57 to go.

I am also finally going to try to drag myself into advanced class, and possibly to the 'coached' class for participants in the local/regional yoga championships. I do not want to compete. I mean, I really really don't want to do this thing.

I am old, my back's not flexible, and I don't have a very pretty practice.
I wobble, I grimace, I sweat and grunt and can't go very far in many many asana.
But my teachers encourage me to train for the competition, to do deeper work on my practice, and to challenge myself. Since I've expressed interest in teacher training, I'm told that taking part in the competition will be an especially valuable experience.

I'm not ready!
I'm gonna do it anyway.
Wheeee!
God, I'm scared.
Yikes!

Weird but good

2010-09-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

My class today was strange, but I so needed it, and it felt really good.

I was a little sleep-deprived, and I've been doing a lot of heavy lifting, moving furniture and boxes. I'm clearing out a lot of stuff from my house, especially all the odds and ends that have accumulated in the storage area of the basement. I got up early today to hold a yard sale with my friend, S, and we had a good day, chatting to neighbors and yard salers, wheeling and dealing, hanging out in the sunshine.

I went to class with a little sunburn, and not quite as hydrated as I wanted to be. My back was stiff. My legs felt heavy. I had trouble with every single posture that involves back flexibility, which is to say, most of them.

During the 2 minute savasana, my unfocused mind was wandering a bit, and out the blue, I was thinking about a little boy I knew in grade school.

His name was John, and in first grade, Sister Marilyn made both of us sit in the front of the classroom because we were "talkers." We were thick as thieves, and we probably talked even more, up in the front row right next to each other. One day at school, John brought a Kennedy half-dollar to class, and he proudly showed it to me. It happened to be on my birthday, and later in the day, when Sister announced that it was my birthday, John turned around in his seat and gave me his half-dollar.

A few winters later, when we were in fourth grade, John died in a sledding accident. I haven't thought about him in years, and suddenly today in savasana, I was lying there crying, remembering this sweet little boy. How strange. But it is good to remember him.

What happened there?

2010-09-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Today I took a late morning class, and I felt like hell going in. I was still sleepy and stiff, and I have been having a slew of digestive issues these last few days. Bleah. Just didn't feel like being there.

Have you ever started to watch a movie or TV program, and felt bored or disinterested at the beginning, considered turning it off? But then, somehow, you get caught up in the story, you're dying to know what happens next, and you've sort of lost yourself for a while because you're enveloped in this other reality?

That's was class was like today. I was so bored with pranayama. I was so not into trying to touch the ceiling during half-moon warm-up. I felt achy and cranky, and I wanted to be home, in my bed, with the covers pulled up. But somehow, I don't when or how, my mind floated out of that attitude, and I was just so engrossed in the practice that I didn't really think anymore.

How does that stuff happen? Can't I always be in that magic, non-thinking state during yoga?

You learn something over & over every day.

2010-09-08T00:06:00.001-07:00

As I was finishing up cleaning the showers at the yoga studio tonight, I suddenly realized how tired I was. I got home a little less than an hour ago. I got up at 6:00 AM today, and our new class schedule means that cleaning lasts until 11PM, at least. I'm not really pleased about that, but oh, well.

I got up early today because I had several errands that I needed to complete before "work." I wasn't working all day, mind you, just a few hours. This morning, my work was observing a yoga class for people with Multiple Sclerosis. I'm assisting the teacher, a certified Iyengar teacher who's been living with MS for a couple of decades. It was really interesting, and I am happy to be learning more about the adaptions to postures and more about restorative postures. Bikram is my true yoga-love, but I really like exploring other styles of yoga and learning about postures or sequences that are helpful for specific groups of people. Sometimes it helps me appreciate my 26 & 2 even more!

There was one particular student who had pretty severe mobility issues, but she kept working on her practice. Tonight at my Bikram class, I was thinking of her and also remembering people from my seniors gentle yoga classes. There have been days at Bikram classes when a teacher told me to do something differently or to put more effort into it, and I thought things like, "Bitch, please, I am holding my stomach in," or, "This IS the best I can do! Lay off!" Seeing other people, outside the little bubble of our studio, doing yoga and really meeting the challenge of it, without complaint or self-pity--it makes me feel a little bit ashamed of myself. The challenges of yoga are so much deeper than the physical postures, and I can't seem to learn that fact well enough.

Ah, off to bed now.

On my way to becoming Fireproof?

2010-09-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

Today was so beautiful--a perfect autumn day: a crisp nice morning and a gorgeous sunny afternoon. It's a little sad to see the days getting shorter, but we even had a pretty sunset this evening. Me and my Buddy had the best walk ever today, and one of us chased a tennis ball around the park until he got so tired he couldn't stand up.

I spent the late afternoon at the studio, working and taking a class. The old studio has been really hot the last few days. Yesterday, I practiced at the new studio but went to the old one to do some work. People coming out of the last class at the old studio looked drained, drenched, and traumatized. The teacher told me that he felt like he was gonna pass out, it was so hot. According to the thermometer in the yoga room, it reached 118F.

So today, I took my class (no water again), and was busy thinking about my practice, thinking about what to make for dinner, thinking about friends, conversations, and job applications. My mind was wandering all over the place. I thought about how nice water was going to taste when class was finally over. I thought about that a lot.

My wandering thoughts made practice difficult in some ways. I had a hard time balancing today. In standing head to knee, by now I always lock the damn knee, for sure. But I was very wobbly today, fell out several times. Same deal with standing bow pulling pose: Wobbly, falling out. I feel as if I did a great balancing stick today though. And come to think of it, half-moon felt especially good today too.

Practicing this yoga is never easy, but some days it's really really incredibly draining, challenging, difficult, painful, or exhausting. I have lots of those rough days, days when I sit out postures or want to do so. Surprisingly, I didn't feel tired out or too hot today at class, not at all. I felt a little scatter-brained and distracted, but physically comfortable with the practice.

When we got out of class, everyone else was exclaiming, "Oh my god, it was hot!" and that sort of thing. Turns out it was 117-118 again.

I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE HEAT!

This feels like some kind of amazing break-through to me in some ways. I didn't have an outstanding class, in terms of how I executed my asana, and I didn't maintain focus very well, but I withstood extra heat without even noticing it, without my mind complaining. Damn, that feels good!

Thirsty!

2010-09-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't drink water during class this afternoon, but it was an accident. I was working at the front desk just prior to class, signing in students, and I had to dash around, locking the front door, double checking that everyone had what they needed, and so on, just as class was starting. I ran into the room at the last minute, and I forgot to bring my water bottle.

It was fine. I was really wishing for my cool water by the time we hit fixed firm pose. It's always my weak moment. I can skip party time and any other water break, but I like a drink as I get into fixed firm. Hmph. I lived without it, no problem. And I hadn't really done much hydrating throughout the day either. I should maybe try to do without it a little more often.

New stuff! New challenge!

2010-08-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here at my computer, feeling that nasty twinge of sciatic pain in my right hip. Something's out of whack in my back, and I have sciatica that comes and goes. I was moving some heavy boxes, and I strained some back muscles and also knocked things a bit out of alignment, I guess. I had a very very tough class the day after I hurt myself, but it's been better every day since then. And I've had some really good classes this week.

Today will be my 8th consecutive day of practice. I've really neglected my practice these past few months. I had a whole week with no yoga in June, and I cut back to 4X/wk for most of the summer. I didn't intend to do so, but I somehow just didn't make it to class an awful lot of the time.

Another thing I don't like to think about is this: I gained back about 9 of the 12 pounds I'd lost during my 101 Day Challenge (from Jan 1- Apr 11). :(

I ate bad food too often this summer, and I ate a lot. During the challenge, I could eat damn near anything and still find myself losing weight. That every single day thing makes a HUGE difference in my metabolism, and I got a little cocky, thinking I could have all of the fries I wanted w/o gaining. Well, guess what? Unless I've got an intense daily practice going, I've got to be more conscientious about my diet. Damn it.

Well, things must change! I looked up my attendance, and I found that if I go to class every single day until the end of the year, I will end up with 309 classes for 2010. I have a new goal now: I want to end 2010 with at least 310 classes for the year. I am also gonna do my best to eat right! More vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, healthy fats.

An added incentive to attend class daily is our studios' annual Bikram Yoga Challenge. Every fall, our studio has a 30 or 60 day challenge that's a fund-raiser for Living Yoga, a program that brings yoga classes to the incarcerated, to people in drug and alcohol addiction treatment, and to people living in domestic violence shelters. I've volunteered a little for Living Yoga, but I've never signed up for the fund-raising challenge. We gather pledges of support--a friend might pledge to donate $1 for each class we attend during the 30 or 60 day challenge period. I'm gonna do it this year! I plan to be doing the yoga anyway, so I may as well do what I can to contribute to Living Yoga.

Oh, and I have a new yoga opportunity outside of Bikram: Once a week, I am going to be assisting an Iyengar teacher with a class for people living with multiple sclerosis. I'm very excited about it. I start next week.

I've got a new hobby/project here at home too: Kombucha brewing! Is kombucha a big thing at other Bikram studios? We sell it at ours, and it's very popular. A student visiting from the South was sort of mystified by it, had never seen it before, so I wonder if it's a West coast thing? I used to hate the stuff, but now I crave it. At $4 a bottle, it's an expensive addiction, but it tastes seriously wonderful after class. Several people from our studio brew their own, and I recently adopted a couple of "babies" to start my own brewing. Very excited about this too!

So, I'm off to the studio quite soon. Gonna run the front desk, do the greeting and signing in, duck into class at the last minute, then clean the studio after everyone leaves. Cooler weather and back-to-school schedule changes are already making our classes fill up quicker. It's weird to be up sort of late, doing something yoga-related. I usually don't get home until almost midnight when I clean after a 7PM class.

I am feeling a little of the 'back-to-school' enthusiasm myself. I'm going to be back to daily yoga classes, back to teaching a little bit, and back to a little more focus on my own health and well-being. And I'm going to blog more too!

I'm Back!

2010-08-22T01:18:00.001-07:00

I can't believe that it's been so long since I've written anything here! I have been busy--working at 2 jobs for a total of 50-70 hours/week since late April--and preoccupied.

And this is just a quick update. I've been making it to yoga quite a bit, but I haven't had a stretch of more than 7 days in a row for quite some time now. Never less than 3X/week though, usually 5.

I'm not gonna make it to TT in September. No money, not ready, etc, etc. One of our newly minted teachers told me, "If you wait 'til you feel ready, you'll never go!!" I am going to apply for a scholarship for Spring Teacher Training and see what happens.

Tonight I practiced with 3 other women at a class taught by one of our very best teachers and yoginis. After class, in the changing room, she said, "Oh, my muscles are so sore!" I said, "Oh, what from?" and she said, "I don't know!" For some reason, I found this shocking. I guess that I wasn't aware of how much and how often I put skilled yogis and teachers on a pedestal. Yes, even the strongest, most flexible, knowledgeable practitioners of yoga have aches, pains, and challenges--mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. They put their yoga shorts on one leg at a time too, ha.

When I'm sore or achy after yoga, I sometimes tend to see it as a big negative thing, proof I'm not 'good' at yoga, or one more reason to be grumpy and resistant to my practice. I've also managed, at times, to see aches and soreness as signs of progress, encouragement, proof that my practice is moving somewhere new, doing something to literally change my body.

It's so easy to get caught up in the illusion that my practice is like a job: I have tasks to complete, and then I'll be done. I see my teacher, a woman with an incredible practice who makes every asana look effortless, who's practiced for more than a decade, and she still experiences change and growth and pain in her practice.

No, yoga practice is not like a job. It's like...I don't know...a good friendship: One never knows where it might lead, it can grow deeper, stronger, and more fulfilling with time, and often painful things somehow lead to something sweet. My best friendships are like that...and I guess that yoga is a kind of friendship, with one's self, one's spirit, and with a universal spirit, the Divine. I am so grateful for my yoga practice.

I hope to blog a little more often from here on out.
Oh, and I may be doing another Bikram Challenge soon...

Promoting Bikram Yoga...

2010-06-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

in my neighborhood--that's what I've been doing. I never planned on doing it, but it keeps happening. I walk just a few blocks from my home through a residential area to get to my studio, which is in a nearby business district. Almost every night, as I'm staggering home, clutching my mat, with my hair still wet from the shower, people ask me, "Were you at that Bikram yoga place?" or, "Did you just do hot yoga at that studio up the street?"

I've been stopped by homeowners doing yard work, a group of hipster kids on fixies, young mothers pushing strollers around the neighborhood, and an elderly gentleman sitting on his porch. People ask, "What is Bikram yoga like?" I very much loved it when the older man asked me, "Do you think that I could do that stuff?" and I was able to say, without reservations, "Yes!"

I feel really fortunate to live in my cozy little neighborhood, the kind of place where people see our new studio as a part of our community and are interested in checking it out. I hope I see more of my neighbors there next time we have community day. I want to keep spreading the word.

Finding Time...

2010-05-29T00:14:00.000-07:00

for yoga, for blogging, for rest and relaxation has been hard! I've been working 50+ hours a week. I know that millions of other people work that much and more all of the time, but it's a shock to my system after a year and a half of unemployment and very part time employment. I missed a day or two or three of yoga every single week since I started working!

Random thoughts about my yoga practice these days:

I feel like the princess and the pea at yoga class a lot. Every little wrinkle in my mat or towel seems to drive me crazy and distract me. I'm working on staying focused on my practice and overcoming the urge to be distracted. I guess the princess in that fairy tale probably needed to fight distraction as well. Bikram would've sorted her out.

My left hip joint did something weird and painful last week...but it seemed to straighten out my left leg a bit. In the midst of wind-removing pose, I felt something crackle and move and hurt, deep in my left hip, right in the joint. I had intermittent soreness and pain for 4-5 days afterward, but it feels fine now. I think that my hip joint is more open, and some of the misalignment in my left leg seems to be diminished. Weird to have it happen so suddenly, especially since I've felt so sleep deprived, tired and achy these last several weeks. But I think it's a good thing.

Radiant heat in the yoga studio flooring is...awfully unpleasant at times. Today, at the end of standing series, the teacher said something like, "Now we'll rest on the floor," but I heard it as,"Now we'll ROAST on the floor." Honestly, I feel like slab of meat on a grill when the floor is really hot. I hate it.

There is a direct correlation between how grounded and balanced I feel in my work, social, and home life and how well I am able to perform balancing postures.

If class ever becomes routine to you, all you need to do is listen very closely to the dialogue and try to have 'beginner's mind.' Just try to hear the instructions, as if you didn't know the posture at all and were just starting out, and you will find a plethora of new things to focus on.

Lots of way too hot classes in a row almost suck the life out of you, but you get really tough from powering through them. When you go to a 'normal' 105 degree class after 3 days of classes with temps over 108, you will feel like Super Yogi, and every posture will seem easy.

I am up way too late again...but at least I get to sleep in tomorrow. Back to work on Sunday, but back to yoga every day. I hope to post here more often, and I hope to have something worthwhile to say!

2010-05-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

A picture of my best friend

and two pictures of me.

These were taken just after class on Day 101 of my challenge, April 11. I can't figure out whose legs are in the last photo! I suppose I should try to crop them out, but I kinda like them there.

These are my "after" photos, but I don't have copies of the "before" shots; they were on my ex's camera and computer. You'll have to trust me when I say, there was in a noticeable improvement in my appearance and in my standing bow. My practice improved and changed so much. The challenge was such a valuable experience.

No sleep, plenty of energy...

2010-04-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

I had to get up early today, and I didn't sleep well last night. I got four or five hours of sleep, but no more than an hour at a time. I felt very very sleepy during my training sessions for work, but once I got to yoga, I felt great. I had a fabulous class with no fatigue at all.

How weird is that? Especially since I felt run down and ill yesterday.

I've noticed this before, that I often have pretty good classes on days when I am sleep deprived. I've always heard stories of how Bikram keeps everyone up late at teacher training, but maybe there really is some process whereby we tap into a secret store of energy when we don't get much sleep. Hmm.

Changes Again

2010-04-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

I need to get to bed because I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and a busy couple of weeks ahead. Just finished eating late dinner after cleaning the yoga studio tonight. It's pouring rain outside.

My yoga was difficult today, but good, and healing. I woke up with a nasty sinus headache, and I felt crappy all day long. I think I am feeling stressed out, and it's making me run down. I dosed up on some herbal tinctures, and like blogger Bikram Barbie, I made friends with my neti pot. I had several packets of Emergen-C and lots of water and ginger lemon tea. I ate raw garlic too, and I hope that no one at yoga will hate me for it, because I know it stinks when it's sweated out.

Yoga took a lot of effort. I wanted very badly to sit out postures, just purely from fatigue, but I managed to keep telling myself, "just one more set; it'll be okay," and I made it through all of the postures. Well, actually, I didn't stay in camel for the full allotment of time on the second set.

I felt almost human again after yoga. I rested a long while after class, and I drank two liters of water.

I think that a lot of my stress is just about changes in my life. Change is often stressful, even when it's good change. I am going to be a lot busier for the next few months. I've been unemployed and lazy for so long. I'm used to relaxing and reading and walking the dog and going to yoga, teaching a little here and there, applying for a few jobs every week. It's a little jarring to contemplate switching up the routine, but it is very welcome, this change.

I'm going to be spending more and more time at the studio(s): I was offered some part time paid work, cleaning and maintenance along with a little bit of front desk work. My old "home" studio closed last month when the owners opened the beautiful new studio in my neighborhood. The original studio will be re-opening some time in May, so there's a need for more staffing. I am so happy to get a little paid employment, especially since it's at a place I love with people I love to be around. As a person who's been unemployed for quite a while, I can't tell you how nice it is to be offered a job, out of the blue (and not have to write another freaking cover letter)!

I'm also starting temporary work tomorrow morning for the US Census Bureau. I worked for the Census last year, and we were told we'd have about 2 months work, but it ended up being just 3 weeks. I am expecting something similar this time. I will have several 9 hour days for training to start out.

And one more change is happening at the end of the week: I'm getting a housemate. I am renting out the extra bedroom. My housemate is really wonderful, and she will be here through the summer. She's leaving to start a graduate program in September, and I hope to either develop a means of steady income sufficient to pay the bills here on my own by then or else find a way to downsize. Maybe I'd get another housemate then, but I have to say, I like that this is a temporary arrangement, just in case.

I think yoga will kick this sinus issue out of me if I keep going to class every day and get some rest! Yoga is so amazing.

Just another day, a good one!

2010-04-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

I had a good class tonight. Struggled a little with triangle today, and I lacked balance in standing bow. But my stamina was good tonight, I felt strong. I wasn't looking forward to class because I wasn't very well hydrated, but my fears were unfounded.

On the 101st day of my challenge, after class, I asked one of the teachers to snap a couple of pictures of me. My ex took pictures of me on Day 1, and I wanted to have before and after shots.I chose standing bow for one of the photographed postures because I love to do it. So my teacher took some pictures of me doing standing bow, and she said, "Now do it with your foot straight. You keep moving your toes inward."

I was doing the posture on my "good" side, and I was completely unaware that I've been moving my toes in, not keeping the foot straight. I am now in the process of learning all over again how to balance on that side. My "good" side is now my bad side! I don't contort my foot on the other side. So, yes, I had trouble balancing today, but I am getting better.

Lately, I feel a deeper stretch in my waist and torso in postures like half-moon and camel. I am not going into the postures deeper, but I feel a deeper, more aligned kind of stretch and pull. It is really amazing to feel and see new things in my practice all of the time.

I'm sleepy! There's so much more that I'd like to write about, but it will have to wait for tomorrow or later.

Bringing it up again...

2010-04-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have a non-yoga-doing friend who asked me all about my challenge. She is one of those folks who is afraid of Bikram Yoga, who will say, "Oh, no, that's not for me; it's too hot," without ever trying it. She wants to know why I threw up after class a few times, and once during class.

I don't know the answer!

One teacher told me that if my life had been stressful (yes), and full of excess cortisol and other stress hormones, my body might be doing a quick detox by vomiting. Other teachers blame it on water--saying you shouldn't ever drink any water during class, that I wouldn't have puked if I hadn't taken a drink at party time, fixed firm, etc.

At least one of the days when I vomited, I was feeling ill anyway, on the verge of some kind of flu or something. It's been mentioned (by dear Yolk E, I think) that dehydration can sometimes cause vomiting.

I think that all of these things played a part in my vomiting incidents. Anybody have any other ideas?

I continue to go to class daily, and the new studio is doing a booming business. It's almost overwhelmingly busy. When one class is letting out and the next one is suiting up, our changing rooms are packed! You don't have enough room to take your pants off without bumping into your neighbor. It's kind of exciting to see all the new faces, and there's lots of energy in the air, but sometimes I long for a quiet, private bit of space after class. I am letting final savasana get longer and longer! This lets the dressing room clear out a bit, lets my head clear out a bit, and it's supposed to be helping my body integrate my yoga for the day too.

One thing that I am having trouble adjusting to: The new studio has radiant heating in the floor! It's weird, because I am used to getting a little cooling when we move to the floor series, but there isn't much cool down there now.

I am worrying about the next few weeks--I have some temp work at normal people's work hours! I finally have to see what it's like for most folks with regular jobs to try to make time for 90 minutes of yoga. In order to do my daily Bikram yoga and teach my regular classes, I will have to get up at 5:30AM and take 6:00AM class at least a couple of times per week. On the other days, I can just work 8-5 and make it to 6:00PM class, but maybe I should just try to be a real morning person and do 6:00 AM class every day. Hmm. It will be interesting. But I want to keep going, doing yoga every day.

P.S.

2010-04-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

I had a good solid class today, no problems with the heat. I peeked at the thermometer after class, and it said 110 F. Before doing the 101 Challenge, I never would've felt comfortable in a 110 degree class!

a few random thoughts and facts about the challenge

2010-04-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

It's almost a week since we completed our 101 Challenge. I threw up at the final class, and it really bummed me out! I have been avoiding blogging, even though I have so many things I want to say about doing the challenge. I think my avoidance is partly because I was disappointed to end on a sour note, but also because I hate to see the challenge end.

I have been to class every day since Day 101, and I intend to continue daily practice.

Here's some vanity stats about the challenge: I ended up losing a total of 12 pounds. I lost an inch or so from my bust line, 2 inches from my waist, and 2 1/2 inches from my hips. My thighs each lost 1 1/2 inches as well. I am doubtful that I will ever have a "yoga butt" though! women in my family tend to have what my brother in law calls "Nebraska ass:" Wide and flat, like the state my mom's family settled in. Mine is not as wide as it used to be.

I ate like a horse most of the time during the challenge too...never went hungry or denied myself, and I still lost weight. I continue to have voracious cravings for protein, and I am suddenly a huge fan of pickles and all things vinegary.

One thing that I've come to see is how important consecutive, daily practice is for anyone seeking changes--weight loss, in particular--from yoga. Lots of trainers, teachers, and even Bikram teachers say that you need a day off to recuperate. As a general lifetime rule, that may be true, and there are certain conditions and injuries that preclude daily practice. However, most of us benefit immensely from a challenge, a daily practice. Whether it's 30, 60, 90, or 101 days, daily practice without let up makes a big, big difference. It's like a kick-start, really gets things moving. Weight that clung to me stubbornly when I was practicing 3, 4, or 5 X/week finally left when my body had a relentless, daily program of cleansing, detoxing, and working to get circulation to every muscle, joint, and organ. More oxygen, more circulation--every organ functions better, and suddenly my metabolism is on track again.

Many days during the challenge, class exhausted me, made me sore, tired, and cranky. I felt sick a lot. I threw up a few times. But overall, I have better, more consistent energy levels now, both in and out of Bikram class.

I am glad to fit into my skinny jeans again, but I also feel a little like, "Huh. Big deal." The weight and body image issues are just reflections of inner issues. And the challenge led to so many changes inside of me--not just bones to skin changes, but mental, emotional, and spiritual changes. And I sense the potential and the need for even more change.

It was a blessing to have this yoga, this practice, to guide me through a challenging time in my personal life. I don't know how I would've managed without yoga. After I came back to Bikram yoga classes, with an injured back and a lot of other aches and pains and physical problems, I used to say, "I don't know how this old body would cope without yoga." Now I feel that way about mind and spirit--where would mine be without yoga?

Day101! Um...

2010-04-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

I got up 2 hours before class, drank a couple of glasses of water, and took Buddy out. Got to the studio a little bit early, but class was crowded, and I felt a little hemmed in.

It was an extra hot class, but I didn't feel hot. I felt good for a lot of it. I was very very happy with the progress I saw in standing head to knee pose. I felt pretty strong throughout all of the standing series, really. Had a small sip of water at party time, and one at the end of standing series.

Later, during good old wind removing pose, I had a painful intestinal cramp. Felt pretty yucky. Kept doing postures as best I could. Then during a sit-up, between fixed firm and half-tortoise, I literally threw up a little in my mouth. I felt terribly nauseated, and I laid down into savasana and tried to wait it out. But I had to get up and run for the bathroom, where I vomited the rest of my water. Laid myself down outside the studio door for a bit, and returned for the last two asana and final breathing and savasana.

It was NOT how I had envisioned ending my challenge, but there it is.

I have a million final thoughts about the challenge that I would like to share, but I am going to let these thoughts settle in and gel a little before writing them out. So much has changed in my life during these last 3 1/2 months. So much has changed about my practice and my body. My mind and spirit too, I think. I'm going to blog more about it in the coming days.

I am definitely going to class tomorrow. I am not planning to stop daily practice any time soon. And I am rather excited about a new challenge: I was invited to come check out the advanced classes at my studio!

Day 100

2010-04-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

Another good class today.

And now I am up too late for somebody who's planning to finish off the challenge at a morning class!

My next door neighbors are having a party and have been drinking, speaking loudly, and playing Lady Gaga at full blast for hours and hours. Normally, this would piss me off to no end, but I'm not bothered. I think that all the yoga has me blissed out so that things don't get to me as easily.

I have happy plans to meet my best friend for brunch after yoga, and if the weather's good, we'll take Buddy to the dog park. I am so looking forward to tomorrow.

It is very exciting to think that we are only one class away from competing 101...

Day 97: New Deal

2010-04-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

Well, another class at my new studio, and today I also had a new teacher. He was fantastic! He was a stickler for precision and gave us lots of added details and explanations, ostensibly for the new people, but wildly beneficial to the rest of us as well.

Because he insisted that anyone with both knees locked should at least try to touch their forehead to the knee, I actually did it for the very first time today! Also, I let go of my foot in tree, without having it slip down. Just a few hints, a few details added to the instruction, and it all came together. It feels SO good to make progress on those asana that have only been half-way there or have been terrible struggles. Thank you, new teacher!

I have to mention, however, that the room was nice and cool. When we began class, our teacher told us we were going to try to raise the temp a bit, that it was only 103F. I like 103! Even just plain 105. It's the 108 and up that knocks me on my behind.

Happy day, though. I just loved my practice today.

Day 96: Today was...

2010-04-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

Bliss!

Day 95: Yikes!

2010-04-05T23:49:00.000-07:00

That yoga truck is still in town, and I got run over tonight. I hope that I can pull it together and have some better classes before the end of the challenge. I don't want to end it with a whimper...

Day 94: Yoga Truck was Here...

2010-04-04T20:45:00.000-07:00

I was just a mess at yoga today. The yoga truck drove into town, found our new studio, and knocked me down. I didn't get run over, but I did get knocked off of my feet.

Rain started pouring down the minute I left my house to walk to the studio, and I arrived with...a broken umbrella! The wind caught my orange umbrella and mangled it completely. I brought a yoga mat that I don't like; it's sort of my back-up emergency mat. It has a yucky texture and it is really really long, takes up too much space. I'd put my other mats over my porch railing to air out and dry, but because of the rain, they were sopping wet. Oh, and one more little inconvenience: This weekend, I somehow managed to lose a pair of yoga shorts. Of course, they were my favorite ones! I had made one last search of the laundry room and my dresser just before class, and I had to wear the ill-fitting grey shorts today. At the studio, I found that I had forgotten to bring a water bottle, and I felt I was going to need water. I took an empty 1L glass bottle out of the recycling bin, washed it and filled it for class. I felt completely out of whack before class even started.

It was very crowded, and it still seems strange to be in a new studio. I was crammed into the front row, and we were so far forward that I literally touched the mirror in standing bow and balancing stick. There wasn't enough room to extend my arms for a proper sit up during floor series. My balance was off throughout the class. I was just unable to do much of anything very well. I sat out a set of triangle. I drank the entire liter of water before class had ended. I'd been hydrating all day, had plenty of electrolytes, but I was thirsty, thirsty, thirsty. Cool water tasted so good: I felt as if I needed it. I don't know why.

My instructor asked me, in the midst of toe stand, how many days I'd finished in the challenge, and everyone clapped. I felt a little embarrassed, because I was having a bad class! Oh well.
I hope the yoga truck will leave town tonight. I don't want to encounter it tomorrow.

Day 93: Easter Rabbit!

2010-04-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

My 'home' studio is closed temporarily, and the owners opened up a new one today. The new studio is within easy walking distance of my home, and every single thing in it is brand spanking new. It is going to be my new home studio. I've gone to a couple of other Bikram studios in my life, but almost all of my classes have been at the old home place. All of my challenge classes, until today, were at the old home. It was exciting, slightly disorienting, and wonderful to practice at the new studio.

The instructor told us that the temperature was exactly 105 F, and the humidity was 39%, "Almost perfect conditions," he said. Yet somehow, with the beautiful high ceilings and great ventilation system, it felt so comfortable, almost not hot enough. No complaints from me; it was just perfect for my comfort level. The new studio is bigger than the old one, but it was crowded and seemed just as small! The carpet in the new place is made of some crazy miracle fiber, and it's got a very appealing texture. That sounds weird, kind of, but it's really nice!

I was sort of absorbing the feeling of the new place with part of my mind, and I was a little spaced out and foggy-minded to begin with. I had dinner with friends, and two glasses of wine last night, and I am reluctantly concluding that alcohol is not really for me. Even in small amounts, it leaves me with a groggy head and an inability to think clearly for the entire next day. And my legs got the heavy unpleasant feeling again.

So, anyway, I was not feeling sharp or very alert at class, but it was a very enjoyable class. I didn't even consider sitting out any postures. No 'perfect' asana, but there was something good about every posture today. I had moments of great depth in standing bow (relative to my usual practice) and better form than usual in camel and separate leg stretching. Had some good kicking out in standing head to knee, good form and depth in eagle and most of awkward. It was a pretty strong class for me, except for my semi-brain dead state.

Maybe I need to not be able to think in order to stop thinking too much at practice!

The crazy thing was that once we got on to the floor series, almost every time we moved out of savasana, I would mindlessly kneel and wrap the towel over my heels to get ready for rabbit pose. Then I'd go, 'Oh, wait, we're doing fixed firm,' or whatever posture was next. It was goofy. Some part of my mind just really really wanted to get to rabbit posture! Maybe it's because tomorrow is Easter.

My biggest complaint about the new place: the showers. Our old studio had 2 showers total, located off of a hallway, close by to our respective changing rooms and used by both men and women. Each shower had a private little room with it. We used to wait forever for showers after big classes, and often the hot water would run out. We were all excited to hear that the new studio has 3 showers in the ladies' changing room and 2 in the men's. Well, what we actually have in the women's changing room is one shower room with 3 spigots. Bah! No privacy! It took me months to get the nerve to let my belly and thighs show in class; now I have to be completely naked in front of strangers if I want a shower after class. It's like junior high gym class locker room all over again for me. Bah! I suppose it's good for me to be forced to deal with it, to get over more of my body image issues, but I'm not too happy about it! One more time: Bah!

I sound like a broken record, but I can't believe we're so close to the end of the Challenge. Yea! Yikes! I have a zillion different feelings about it.

Hope everyone has a good class tomorrow. Remember, you don't have to be a Christian to enjoy a good Easter Rabbit pose!

Day 91: Distractions

2010-04-02T01:25:00.000-07:00

I had a so-so class today. I was very distracted throughout. I haven't found myself so fidgety and spaced out in a long while. I slept badly last night, and I was feeling stressed and upset through a lot of the day. I ate very little, and I had no opportunity to get myself hydrated until about 2 hours before class. I guzzled an electrolyte drink at 5, and I tried to get some water in me as well, but I was worried about my stamina for class. Between not being properly hydrated and suffering from a lack of sleep, it seemed I might be in for a dizzy little class.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was lacking in focus and low on energy, but I got through it. I didn't hold my standing bow pose for the full allotment of time on either side, but my teacher urged me to go into it further, and I managed to get much more depth in the posture on both sides, however briefly. It felt great to see my foot getting higher and higher above my head.

I've been dealing with financial stress, job applications and interviews, and strained 'negotiations' with the ex. It is easier to handle everything because I have my yoga practice to keep me grounded, but sometimes I just don't cope in the healthiest ways. Yesterday and today were just crappy--lots of upset and negative feeling, and I didn't eat or sleep right. I was forgetful as well; I misplaced my cell phone a couple of times and I took my ring off to wash up and forgot it on the counter. Didn't notice until pranayama at evening class.

I was so...not present tonight. And even in that kind of distracted, bothered state, I saw some progress in a posture. I felt a little more sane when class was done, happy, even. And more of my fellow students asked about the challenge and commented on changes in my appearance and my practice. It's slightly stunning to me that people see changes in me. It's been so gradual that I don't see it clearly. I wish I had taken "before" pictures of my asana, to have a better sense of how much the challenge has changed them.

Well, I'm up too late again, even as I write this. Better get to bed so that I can be better prepared for tomorrow and for tomorrow's yoga. I don't want the challenge to end. I kind of think that I am going to continue a daily practice after April 11.

Day 89??!! It's Happening So Quickly!

2010-03-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we're so close to the finish line! I don't want it to end. I think. I am in yoga bliss tonight. I can still recall many a night when I've felt depleted, drained, and cranky after class. It hasn't all been bliss! But right now, I am loving my yoga practice and loving the 101 Challenge with all of my heart.

Tonight we had a couple of newbies practicing at the back of the room, and two very pregnant (7 mo and 8mo along) women were set up next to the door. It was a fairly crowded class, but the room was cool, at least by our studio's standards. Our studio is known for being very hot. Our teacher opened the window a little for a bit, and also kept the exhaust fans on, so it was quite comfortable!

I wish it were not so, but I tend to do better at cooler classes. Too often, too hot and humid = depleted and cranky Sisya. Tonight I had one of my best classes ever. I felt very strong, and I saw progress in some of my postures. I felt very focused. I had to work at my focus, remind myself to ignore distractions, stay with the moment, listen to our teacher. It was a very satisfying class. If it hadn't been the last class of the day, I might have stayed for a double.

Last night I had a so-so, okay class. After class, I cleaned the studio. I do a couple of hours work each week as a trade for my studio membership and unlimited yoga classes there. I took a little break between cleaning the mirrors and getting the showers scrubbed, and I sat down and read a few random bits of Bikram's 'new' book, the one with the yellow/gold cover. I've read this book cover to cover several times, and I leaf through it every now and then. I always learn something new each time I read or reread any part of it. On the rereads, I often find myself thinking, "Wow, I thought I understood that when I read it before, but now I really understand it." Not even the parts about postures, but what Bikram says about how our minds work.

And it's just like that with the practice of yoga. I think I've understood a posture, or thought I did it 'correctly,' and then upon closer examination or review, I realize something entirely new about it, and I think, "Now I really understand it!"

Just about every kind of spiritual practice or teaching that I've ever encountered is very much like our yoga in this way: You can always revisit or review it and find more depth. The deeper you get into it, the more meaning you discover. The more you practice, the more the meanings--or the comprehension or the feelings or the benefits--grow exponentially. It's amazing stuff, this yoga.

Day 86: Why not Today?

2010-03-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

I had a great day today, spent mostly in the sunshine with good friends, good food, and good conversation. I dragged myself away to go the last class of the day at my studio.

This past week, at class, I often found myself drifting off, not thinking about anything, really, but not really present either. Just spaced out, and coming to with, "wow, did we already do a set of half-tortoise?" What is going on?! I'm on some kind of blissed out autopilot. Is this good or bad? I'm not sure, but it's been interesting.

Today, I felt fairly present, and the room was hot and very humid, and the little voices of worry and fear and excuses started speaking to me: "It's really hot. I'm so hot, and I probably didn't hydrate enough. I ate a lot today, so I need to take it easy. My leg muscles are tired." And so on. But I was going through the motions, listening to my teacher and doing her bidding. When she said, "Push your hips, push, push," during half moon, I pushed. When she said, "Lock your knee!" I locked my damn knee! I was trying to stick with it all and put effort into each posture, but the the little chorus of the usual excuses kept singing to me.

I was about halfway through the first side and first set of standing bow when I realized that I almost always start to give up on the posture at about that point. Too often, I listen to that voice that tells me to "save" my energy for some other posture, that I can try really hard on some other day, that some time when I have a lot of energy, then I'll give it my all and try to do it perfectly for the full allotment of time. So I had to answer that voice today, and ask, "Why not now? Why not today? When will the perfect time be?"

So I had to keep trying, to keep putting all my effort and energy into it.

It's so simple, but so difficult, this business of being present, being aware.

And I can't believe that we only have a couple of weeks left in the 101 Challenge.

Day 82: Gratitude and Needing Peace

2010-03-23T20:07:00.001-07:00

A very hot class this afternoon. Mostly just great. I kicked out better than usual in standing head to knee today, so it feels like a gift of a class.

Afterward, in the changing room, a woman I don't know was getting ready for the next class. She asked me, "How often do you practice?" I told her that I'd been coming every day since New Year's, and she said, "I've seen you before, and I notice how different you look. It's really changed you. It's nice for me to see somebody getting such great results!"

Her comments surprise me! I feel better, stand straighter, lost a little weight, but I didn't think that the gifts of this challenge were obvious to strangers! I kind of felt like crying. I'm so glad to be doing the challenge.

On another note, I've been doing a little research and making some inquiries, trying to prepare a little before moving forward with offering some kind of yoga for police and our community. In the meantime, another man was shot and killed by a police officer in our city yesterday afternoon. While I was at yoga class, a group of about 50 people protested by starting a small scale 'riot.' They broke an ATM, a Starbucks window, and damaged an insurance agency's office. The details from the shooting are still being withheld. It's sad and difficult, and emotions are running high.

The more we are aware of the pain and violence in this world, the more crucial it seems for us to cultivate peace within, through yoga, meditation, prayer, or whatever means you have. Pray for peace. Practice peace.

Day 81: Good Enough

2010-03-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I did this, but I skipped yoga yesterday! No yoga at all on Sunday. I met some friends for brunch, and it turned into an all day socializing session. I ate some great food, had a total of 3 cocktails, and got home around 10PM. I rarely drink alcohol, so I worried a bit about how it might affect my practice.

I've decided to not feel guilty for missing, since I had some yoga in the bank. I plan to make it to a class every day for the rest of the challenge.

I didn't sleep very well. I had a strange sensation of achy heaviness in my legs all night. I dreamed that I was trying to buy support hose to help make the heavy feeling in my legs go away. Today, my legs felt like cement, especially in the quadriceps and ankles.

But yoga was just right. My legs loosened up and felt great almost immediately. I didn't have any big new problems, and I did both sets of every posture. It was a hot and crowded class, and in spite of a couple of people going AWOL and many others sitting out postures, there was a lot of strong energy and focus in the room.

I'm noticing that more often now, I feel much more present in the moment at yoga class. I am finally finding myself detaching a little bit from judging myself and my practice. Doing my 'best' used to involve more stressful judgment in my mind...as if I had to be shamed into doing a better a job. Lately, I am just there, trying, and feeling like it's good enough. It is a very good feeling!

Day 79: A Lovely Class and a Wandering Mind

2010-03-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

It was positively gorgeous weather here today, the first day of spring, and everyone was out enjoying the sunshine. Only 8 of us showed up for the 6:30 class this evening, but it was a great class. Our teacher, a young woman who just graduated from this fall's teacher training, is just getting better and better--very insightful, able to inspire, and quite precise about the corrections she gives. It's amazing to see how quickly she has grown as a teacher.

Some days, my focus at class is very good. Sometimes, my mind wanders all over the place. Today, I kept thinking of things unrelated to yoga...some community issues that have been in the news recently, especially. As I stretched, inhaled, held my postures, I kept thinking of yoga as the answer to all the world's problems.

In my city, there is a bit of a crisis concerning our law enforcement agencies. A few of the many incidents leading up this: A mentally ill man who ran from the police was beaten to death by the officers who caught him, and those officers were exonerated. Recently, an unarmed man was shot in the back and killed by police, and the officer who fired the shot remained on duty afterward. A twelve year old girl who ran from police was shot with a beanbag round...by an officer who was involved in the beating death mentioned above.

Citizens are organizing to speak out, and the city is trying to reform some of our police oversight procedures. In the midst of all this, the city and the police union are trying to negotiate a contract. It's very contentious. Police speak about how stressful and unsafe their jobs are; citizens are concerned about a lack of police accountability.

I've been a volunteer for a few organizations that teach yoga to the incarcerated and to those who are homeless, living in shelters, or going through alcohol and drug addiction rehab. Yoga is a mandatory activity at the facility for people sentenced to drug treatment in our city. We have seen how much yoga helps addicts, people with mental illness and/or unbelievably stressful lives. The focus developed from yoga gives us those 5 qualities Bikram talks about: Faith, Self-Discipline, Determination, Patience, and Concentration. Yoga gives us better impulse control and some tools to use (BREATH!) to calm ourselves, energize ourselves, relax ourselves.
You don't have to do a headstand or have an amazing half moon posture to develop those qualities. Everyone can benefit from yoga, everyone can benfit from having more of those 5 qualities. Everyone around us benefits from us developing a greater sense of peace within.

So I was thinking, maybe the police could use some yoga too. Maybe they could use some help reducing stress, learning to calm themselves, energize and relax. I was staring at my hand during triangle and imagining having the city council make yoga mandatory for police. Or having the community yoga night at the Police Athletic League every week. Maybe I'm totally nuts, but I want to see something like that happen. Is that a crazy thing to propose? Like, if I got a few of the other teachers from the non-profits together to offer community class for PAL, could that plant a seed? I want to see more yoga everywhere.

Day 77 is now done! Stick aa fork in it!

2010-03-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

I made it to the 6:30 for my double, and it was a hottie. One guy left the room, and 2 other people tried to leave but were persuaded to stay. I noticed a lot of students sitting out postures.

I got there just as class was starting, and I had to practice next to a heater, a super-hot spot. to make matters worse, I was wearing capris and a long top because my laundry needs doing and my shorts & sports bras were not available. I SO prefer to wear short shorts and a sports bra. I was once too shy to practice in shorts or a top that left my stomach uncovered, but I don't let body image issues or modesty come to class with me. It's hot, I sweat a lot, and I just feel cooler with less on. One of our teachers said that wearing long pants and a tee shirt adds as much as 5 degrees to your body temperature.

I felt a little more tired than usual toward the end of class, but my energy stayed strong for most of the practice. I had the dizzies/ black-out feelings during a lot of the standing series, and I felt so light-headed during tree that I just squatted down during toe-stand. Spine strengthening series felt great though. My first set of bow went somewhere new. It just felt completely different and lots higher and stronger than it's ever felt.

This the was the third time ever in my life that I've done a double, and it was lots easier than I expected. I'm hoping to squeeze a few more doubles before the challenge ends, just to have the experience. I stayed late to clean the studio tonight, an extra shift in my work-trade set-up. I
covered for another work-trade student whose band is playing at SXSW Music Festival (Knock 'em dead, Emily!), and I am amazed that I have so much energy right now. I've always been so afraid of doubles, and right now, I feel as if doubles are a very wonderful thing.

Day 77--Not Over Yet...

2010-03-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

I went to a morning class today, and if i can get across town in time for the 6:30 this evening, I'm going to do a double. It was a fine class, but I really felt that morning stiffness in the first backbend and the first forward bend. I want to do more morning classes. I am such a night person! Morning practice is a whole different thing.

Today, the teacher spoke at length about accepting where you're at in each moment, about not judging ourselves or our practice, just accepting them and being present for them. I love those sorts of reminders. I find it very encouraging, inspiring.

Off to finish work and drink more water!

Day 76: Sorry, Bikram, I always wear green on St Patrick's Day.

2010-03-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

This week, I feel great on alternating days, feel sick with fever and congestion every other day. I felt absolutely awful yesterday during pranayama and half-moon, but once I got into sync with class, I felt fine. Tired afterward, though.

Today was a good day! I am back in a head space where class moves quickly, is over before I know it. Our teacher pushed pretty hard, held us in some postures for extra time, and class ended almost 10 minutes late. Yet it seemed so fast. I feel focused enough that I don't notice thirst, heat, discomfort--at least not as much.

I wore my green Adidas sport top today. I bought it for yoga before I'd ever heard of Bikram's aversion to the color green. I don't wear it very often. It might seem a little silly, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day. My hometown has a lot of people of Irish heritage, and St Patrick's Day is kind of a big deal there. Nearly everyone there wears green on St Pat's, even if they're not Irish. I will be forgoing other St Pat's Day traditions: No Guinness or Jameson's for me.

I can't believe that there are only 26 days left in the challenge. I'm not sure that I'll be ready to stop daily practice then. I sort of feel like I'm just warming up...

Day 73: About Realignment

2010-03-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

Still feeling a bit under the weather and not very energetic or ambitious. Yoga and the hot room feel so good though. I could feel something clearing out in my congested lungs during class, feel my sinuses opening. It certainly wasn't a rock star class, but I made it through again, and I feel better for it.

I'm experiencing some awful aching in my left knee and much of the lower leg. It's the same dull ache that I've attributed to realignment, but it is intensifying in one area. I mentioned it to my teacher after class, and we got out an anatomy book and talked about what might be going on. I am still convinced that the pain is part of realignment. We talked about keeping the weight distributed evenly all over the foot, to avoid causing any additional strain to my lower leg, but mostly I just have to hang in there and endure and wait for the yoga to bring my bones into proper alignment.

I have mentioned before that my toes and mild 'bunion' have been straightening out because of my yoga practice. I've also noticed that my legs and hips line up much better. When I began yoga, I was slightly bowlegged, couldn't get my knees very near each other when my feet were together. Now, standing straight with my heels and toes together, my legs touch together inside the knees. My scoliosis seems less pronounced as well. Yoga really truly seems to be realigning my entire skeletal system.

I want to write about emotional realignment, what I am experiencing as I go through the ending of my relationship, but I can't quite express what I want to say. All I know is this: Change can be painful, whether it's emotional or physical. You needn't get attached to your pain, and if you do, you are likely to prolong it. If you're willing to face your pain and feel it, you can start to heal from it. You can emerge from painful realignment, whether emotional or physical, with more strength, with a firmer foundation, with better flexibility. Fireproof, etc.

Day 71: Muddling Through & Whining a Bit...

2010-03-12T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm in a daze. I feel, once more, as if I am fighting off illness. Yesterday, after a pretty good late morning class, I threw up. Ugh. Had a headache the rest of the day, and by mid-afternoon, I had flu-like body aches too. I broke down and took ibuprofen, an extreme measure by my standards.

I woke with a lot of congestion, and I had very little energy. My head felt fevery and hot. I wanted to skip class today, but I went anyway. One of my fellow students was urging me to go and just do one set of each posture.

It turned out to be a lot better class than I expected. I sat out one set of triangle, but I made it through all of the other postures with no real problems. I didn't drink any water during class today, fearful about being able to keep it down.

In the last week, teachers are suddenly giving me corrections for postures that I thought I was doing properly. Am I slipping, or are the teachers demanding more of me now?

During pranayama, one teacher yells "No back- bending, Sisya!" on a fairly regular basis. I don't feel like I am back-bending, and after class last week, I asked her to go through it with me and tell me when I was back-bending. She said, "Oh, that looks pretty good. You got it." Then today at class, what do I hear during pranayama? "NO back-bending, Sisya!"

ARRGH!

Another teacher said, "Sisya, don't let your chest collapse!" during pranayama in two separate classes in the last week. No one has ever before said that I let my chest collapse. Is my chest really collapsing? WTF? She's a new teacher, and very young...maybe middle-aged DDs look like a collapsed chest to her, regardless of what my ribcage and sternum are doing. Or maybe I've been doing everything wrong the whole time. I feel baffled!

In the past, many teachers have told me that my awkward pose is very good. Lately, one teacher keeps yelling at me, saying that I am "hunching" forward in the first part, not "showing a lumbar curve, " not back far enough with the upper body. It's making me crazy! I can't see or feel "hunching" in my spine.

I was also told, today, that I am not relaxing my shoulders properly in standing bow pulling pose. That's another new one for me.

If I hadn't been so exhausted after class today, I might have asked for a mini posture clinic afterward. I love corrections when I can actually identify what I'm being told to correct, but it's hella frustrating when I can't feel and/or see what I am doing wrong.

Ah, well, how will I ever learn what's in my blind spot if I don't listen to my teachers giving me corrections? I know it's really a gift. I'm just not in the mood to open these presents right now! I hope to feel better tomorrow and to DO better tomorrow too, in my asana, my attitude and my focus.

And I hope the rest of the 101 Challengers are doing great!

Day 68: Focus = Peace

2010-03-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

Winter has returned. It was cold, wet, rainy, and windy today. It felt so nice to get into the studio and relax into the heat.

Class was taught by the teacher whom people fear. My teacher is really getting better and better, and while she still pushes people to work in class, she is smoothing things out so that she inspires and encourages too. She did a lovely thing today. Gently, without making a fuss about it, she paid extra attention to my old friend, The Crying Girl, and The Crying Girl was almost Quiet Girl today.

The Crying Girl has often burst into sobs during classes, with and without tears. The Crying Girl hums and vocalizes throughout class, every class. The Crying Girl is almost always at the afternoon or evening classes that I attend. I try to focus on myself, I think, "Let nothing steal your peace!" but I still find myself sighing inwardly and sometimes cursing silently when I hear the sobs or humming begin.

My teacher gave several gentle, direct corrections to The Crying Girl about her postures, right at the beginning of class. She pushed and prodded The Crying Girl into a state of concentration. And throughout the rest of class, The Crying Girl was mostly quiet.

When I've felt annoyed and cranky about the noise, then felt ashamed of myself for being so bothered by what doesn't concern me, I have often said to myself, "This girl just really needs or wants, on some level, to be noticed and acknowledged." My teacher not only acknowledged and noticed her, she also got her to focus on her postures so intently that the need to make noise was gone.

The teacher whom everyone fears is really an amazing teacher.

Next time, it ought to be MY turn--I could use somebody pushing me into better focus and a state of concentration. Focus and concentration can quiet the chatter in my mind or the noise in the room. If I focus and concentrate, I have peace, no matter what anyone else is doing.

Day 66: Patience

2010-03-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

Our studio has these words painted on the wall above the mirrors: Faith, Self-Discipline, Determination, Concentration, Patience. They're all qualities that Bikram yoga will demand of you. They're qualities that a Bikram yoga practice will help you develop. When I first started coming to classes at this studio, I really loved having the words up there to remind me. It's been a long time since I paid them any notice though.

Today, leaning back into fixed firm, I felt a little restless, wanting to make class move faster. I was grumbling a little inside too, thinking that it really sucks to still have to keep my knees way apart ("New York, LA") in this posture, after all this time doing the yoga.

So, of course, as I raised my upper body out of the posture, what did I notice, right in front of me? The word, "Patience," written in letters ten inches tall. Could it be any clearer?

I practiced on the "hot" side of the room today, over by the folks I call the super-yogis. I managed to keep my focus mostly on myself and avoided comparing my practice to others'. It was hot, but it didn't feel hot to me. I guess my heavy sweating was doing its job, keeping my body cool.

Another student asked me about how the challenge was going, and she wanted to know if I noticed "new aches and pains." It's funny, because although my muscles often get very tired as I try to move more fully into a posture these days, I don't really feel tired, achy, or sore muscles later on. I have noticed small weird aches in my legs and hips occasionally. It feels like realignment pain--like my whacked out knee is slowly moving back into the right place, or that my hip joints are slowly slowly opening a bit more. I don't know if that's the case or not, but that's how it seems to me.

I'm baffled by how my appetite changes with this practice. For awhile, I came out of every class ravenous, ready to eat a horse. Then for awhile, I didn't feel like eating much. Then I went through the intensive pickle cravings for weeks and weeks, and I indulged them. Lately, I crave fruit juices and protein. I can't get enough protein. I'm eating fish, eggs, meat, nuts, seeds, you name it. Right now, if I didn't have to leave the house for it, I'd get a quart of fresh juice--preferably something with berries in it--and a big old steak, medium rare. Yikes.

Day 65: Lovely Day

2010-03-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

We had the most beautiful spring weather today. I took my Buddy dog on a nice little walk (his leg is healing up nicely) and spent a lot of the day in the garden. Went to the last yoga class of the day at my studio.

I have no special progress or insight to report, but I felt good during class, feel great right now. I guess that's actually progress! I am getting to class, doing both sets of all the postures, and loving my practice. That's all I've got tonight, but that's more than enough for me!

Day 63--A Piece of Blueberry Cheesecake

2010-03-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

Today was almost...dare I say...easy, a piece of cake.

Well, no, it wasn't exactly easy. I remember how difficult it was to try to hold proper alignment for half-moon. It was hard to catch my breath after standing head to knee. And I fell out of head-to-knee several times. I struggled with triangle and was called out for not having my thigh parallel to the floor. I felt like a broken toy during full locust. All I could think of during bow pose was that I waould have the chance to drink water before fixed firm. I got scared and felt my throat ache during camel.

So it wasn't an easy class. Not at all.

But somehow, it was a pure pleasure to do yoga today. I loved class today. It wiped me out, and I am famished and exhausted. But it was just perfect. It was a difficult class, but so easy to be there, doing the yoga. Something's changing in my brain. This stuff is so amazing.

Day 61 Bikram in the Room

2010-03-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

I went to the last class of the day, and even as I walked in to lay down my mat and towel, I could tell it would be a difficult class. It was very humid again, and pretty darn hot!

There were 2 newcomers right behind me today. A young woman who'd been to our last community class brought in 2 friends. They were both hiding under giant T-shirts and long pants. As class progressed, they rolled up the pant-legs. One of them shed her T-shirt, as she had a sport/bra top on under it. They both struggled mightily with class, but they signed up for 1 month intro packages, so I am hoping to see them again.

So, class was very humid and hot, and I was drenched, soaked through, sweating gallons and gallons. I was a little dizzy, but I powered on through. Teacher suggested sips of water for the weak ones among us, just before triangle, and I sat down to take a drink. I was feeling wiped out, and my inner monologue was something like this:

I'm so tired. I could just sit out the first set of triangle. Then I'll feel better for the rest of class.

Wait. What about trying to bring some determination and focus to class? What about all that crap I just blogged about wanting to do?

Oh, no one here reads that.

How do you ever freaking expect to get through teacher training if you can't handle one hot humid class? What if Bikram was here? Would you still just want to rest instead of using/developing focus and determination if Bikram were here?

And then I stood up, started triangle, and thought, "Wait a minute...Bikram is here! Every day!" That made me smile, and I finished up the class without sitting any postures out.

Pardon me if I sound like a cult member. Maybe it's what happens during a challenge. But honestly, Bikram's words, his instruction, his inspiration, and his constant needling and pushing and insisting that we do better--they are all with us every day at Bikram yoga class. He's not a god ( I think, but you never know...), yet his presence extends far beyond his own body. And Boss definitely has my respect and gratitude. And it makes me want to do better!

I'm thinking of Johan and Happy Yogi, who got to take classes from the Boss for real this week. More inspiration.

Day 60! Woohoo!

2010-03-01T22:15:00.000-08:00

We've made it to Day 60! This is the first challenge that I've ever done, and coming to this point feels HUGE to me.

Class today was interesting. I started out strong, felt as if I really had some focus during the standing series. It was an intensely humid class, and I was sweating buckets. I got very worn out, and I ended up drinking water at fixed firm. I sat out one set of camel, afraid of the water-in-stomach nausea, but also hoping to catch my breath. I wish that I had finished up strong, but I was drained, exhausted by the end.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like, at yoga. It's a new class every time, isn't it?

Day 59--'Put Your Mind in Your Thigh'

2010-02-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

My teacher said "Put your mind in your thigh," as he was explaining to the beginners about engaging the quadriceps when locking the knee. I'd never heard it explained this way before. He said, "Your natural tendency will be to contract and relax, contract and relax that muscle over and over, because that's what your thigh does when you're walking--contract, relax, contract, relax. You've got to keep your mind on engaging the muscle, focus on contraction and don't let go. Put your mind in your thigh." Isn't it great when a few sentences from a teacher make you see something in a new way?

Today, as I was setting up for class, putting my mat down, another student crawled over and whispered, "So, you've been coming to class every day?" She asked, "Does it ever get easier?"
I think she was a little disappointed in my answer: "In some ways, it's easier, and in some ways it gets harder."

While I still struggle with many physical aspects of my practice, I am stronger, have more stamina, and increased flexibility. The physical part is easier, but an extra-hot or humid studio, or variations in my food and water intake, or a lack 0f sleep can sometimes leave me feeling physically drained. For the most part, practice has gotten 'easier,' physically.

But the more I see progress in asana form, the more I want to 'perfect' each asana. I want to fully believe that "perfect' form is relative to me, my body, my practice--that 'perfect' is just me doing my best. My ego keeps saying that 'perfect' is doing bow like So-and-So, or having the posture just be second nature to me, effortless. Once my ego has the floor, judgment--of my postures, of my body, of myself--overrules acceptance. Judgment really messes with my practice, messes with my mind.

More and more, I am aware of the parts of my mind that are distracted or discouraged. It's not always that I can't, say, get my upper body lower in standing bow or balancing stick, it's that my mind is not focused, my courage and determination are not rising to the occasion. Sometimes, I am just not believing in myself. It's like a cartoon where a character is flying, then realizes, "Wait, I can't fly," and suddenly plummets to the ground. Bikram always says that you can do more than you think you can. I'm finally really experiencing some realization of that.

The act of dragging myself to the studio every day has been a very simple exercise in courage and determination. It's my starting point, really, just getting to class every day. Can I take this one step further and really follow through with bringing courage, determination, focus to each posture?

Day 57--My Super-Powers Return!

2010-02-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

Well, that's an exaggeration, but I had a good class this evening! It was fairly hot and humid, but not too hot and humid, and I was well-hydrated and able to do both sets of everything. My balancing postures were not at their best today, but they weren't at their worst either. It was a good solid class.

I didn't have any water until the old fixed-firm set-up time. It's my true moment of weakness. I did not experience any queasy feelings today though. I was feeling slightly hesitant before camel, but as I watched the very very pregnant lady in front of me set up and do an awesome camel posture, I said to myself, "If she can go all the way into that posture, I certainly ought to at least give it my best attempt."

Also, I have lately been very pleased to find that half-locust has become my friend. In the past, I have loathed this posture. I felt very inadequate, with my feeble little leg lifts. These days, I go higher and higher with the separate leg lifts, and the both legs part of it is no longer a terrible strain. I would like to go higher, and I need to learn a lot more about how to press down and bring the weight into arms, shoulders, and upper body, but I am finally lifting my legs at the proper angle on a regular basis.

I taught a senior program class today, and only a few people showed up. A woman who often gasps and says that any given posture is too hard for her told me today that she often thinks of various postures and does them at home. We did eagle arms at class today, and she couldn't quite get her hands into prayer. She was keen to tell me that she'd done so at home the other day. She said that she's been taking breaks from her computer by doing some yoga to loosen up and keep her neck and shoulders from getting too stiff.

Whenever turn-out for the senior classes is low, I start to feel a little discouraged. But getting some nice feedback from participants and hearing that someone is benefiting from the classes makes me feel energized and ready to teach more. Yoga is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I can't imagine what my life would be like without it. I am so glad that I found Bikram Yoga, because this yoga really struck a chord with me. It made sense and felt right and inspired to me to explore other facets of yoga. I love it so much that I want to share it. I am going to stop being wishy-washy "maybe" about it: My goal is to go to teacher training this fall.

What day is it? The crazies end soon, right?

2010-02-25T22:17:00.000-08:00

Another tough class! Super-high humidity in the classroom, although the temperature seemed fine. There was no air, and by standing head to knee pose, I was having dizziness, spots in front of my eyes, and vertigo. I tried to focus on postures, but found myself thinking, "For God's sake, bee-yotch, turn on the exhaust fan!" It didn't help that the class was taught by the same woman who taught yesterday's class, the woman whose voice seemed irritating to me.

I know, I'm the one who's being a bee-yotch.

But it was a difficult class. At least 4 people left the room, and my friend Em ran out and vomited. she came back and finished class though! Supposedly, a lot of students are fighting off colds and flu. I felt pretty queasy myself, even though I'd only had a very light late breakfast, juices and herb teas before class. And class was at 6:30 PM, long after I'd eaten. So I sat out a set of standing bow, skipped a set of camel, had to reign it in and be less forceful during final breathing again. I was too queasy to drink water during class. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I struggled mightily today with misdirected anger. I'm hurt and angry about my break-up, and it makes me less patient with all sorts of things in my life. The girl who cries was at class today, crying. She's also started humming throughout class. I swear, as we pushed up to get ready for fixed firm pose, I had a vision of crawling over to her and smothering her with my wet towel, just to get some quiet.

Yes, she is annoying. yes, it's normal for me to be a little on edge as I deal with and work through my relationship issues. But yeah, it's pretty much pure crazy to get all that annoyed and angry with the crying girl. She's got her own problems.

Do these crazies ever end? I know that break-up drama and pain eventually eases and dissipates.I hope some of the other issues that are part of my "second 30 day crazies" will somehow resolve themselves. I hope that continued practice, getting through the crappy classes as well as the inspiring and wonderful ones, will help me get a little closer to peace, the settled mind. We are so close to day 60, another milestone. I can't wait.

It's All a Blur...

2010-02-24T19:07:00.000-08:00

Just home from my afternoon class, day 55 of the challenge. I don't know what to say about it, because my mind was elsewhere for a lot of the class. I've had a stressful, emotional day, and once I got in the yoga room, I just zoned out. I was doing the postures, but I was not present for many of them. I don't even remember most of them. Since my mood was not so great, I had to struggle against some irrational irritability, like being really annoyed with the instructor's voice.

During eagle, my foot slipped and I went down. Yikes. Eagle is usually one of my showpieces! My knee killed me during first set of bow, and I tried to readjust a couple of times with no success. Second set, it was just fine. Surprisingly, I had a good solid camel pose today, both sets. I was thinking about things that make me angry, and without realizing it, I kind of lifted up into camel being carried by the adrenaline of rage. Then I noticed, "Hey, my hips are really far forward and I've got a really good grip on my heels!" It was really nice to have that happy yoga feeling come in to soften up the anger.

Before class, I was thinking about working with breath and positive thoughts to try to get my mind into a better place. I just couldn't do it. But going through class, having something to focus on, even if my focus wasn't there, and maybe just the pure physical detox of class too--these things worked together to bring me a little bit of peace.

54! A Rough One!

2010-02-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

I had a tough time at class today.

I was feeling good today, and I taught at the community center's senior program today. I throw in so many Bikramisms that it's not even funny. One favorite is, "As long as you are doing your best, you are getting the full physiological benefit of the posture." A favorite posture, for which I give word for word Bikram dialogue instruction, is wind removing pose. Some classes have students who are too frail or just plain unwilling to get onto the floor for postures or exercise; in those cases, we do a modified wind-removing pose while seated in our chairs. It's better than nothing. It is so great for seniors, many of whom suffer from irregularity and poor digestion. It also brings circulation to the hands and fingers, and helps with stiffness and pain that are common in older people. Plus, it makes us bend up our knee, to help preserve or improve range of motion, and it is a hip opener that can be done gently and gradually. Even a very infirm person can get a little bit of good hip opening in this posture. The students really seem to want to know more once I start explaining the benefits of a posture. I am so glad that Bikram came up with that incredible dialogue.

After teaching, I had...steak tacos for lunch. I drank a lot of water today, and I had 2 packets of Emergen-C as well. I'd planned to go to 4:30 class, but I didn't finish lunch until 2:00 or so, and I've found that I get through class a lot easier when at least 4 hours have gone by since my last meal. So I opted for 6:30 class, and guess what: I still felt full and nauseated and thought that my lunch was going to make an appearance at class. Ugh. I sat out one set of camel, one set of triangle, and I had to just stop during kaphalbhati breathing. Felt super-duper tired during class too.

Right after class, I felt shivery and chilled and weak, and I was thinking, "Maybe I'm getting sick with flu or something." Now, after a shower, re-hydrating, and a light meal, I feel great. This is becoming a little too familiar: Crappy class, I think I'm getting sick; Naw, I feel great now that class is over. Do I need to work harder at preparing for class? Should I just stop worrying & fussing, try to cultivate acceptance each day? Would I benefit from pushing myself harder during class? Is it just inevitable that some classes suck when you're doing a challenge?

I am not well educated about Eastern religions or spiritual practices, but intrigued by the bits and pieces that I've heard about. The number 54 is a holy number in some Hindu traditions, so I am grateful and feel blessed to make it to day 54, like it's a special day. Also, I feel silly letting this be known, and I do not want to offend anyone by seeming to take spiritual traditions lightly, but today, when some postures were difficult, I said a little chant to Ganesha in my head. Ganesha is the breaker of obstacles. I was imagining a playful little elephant god lifting my legs higher in locust pose, gently helping me move forward in stretching pose, helping me get past the obstacles in my practice.

Well, I'm off to take care of some laundry before I hit the hay. 54 was a rough class, but a rough class is better than no class.

Day 53

2010-02-22T21:49:00.000-08:00

One more day of yoga done. I was very tired and very cranky today, and I contemplated skipping class this afternoon. I spent a big portion of my afternoon arguing with my ex-partner. Not fun. And I didn't really have the chance to do any proper hydrating today, and I hadn't eaten much. I was sure that class would be hellish. I left for class late, and as I drove to the studio, I was thinking, "Well, if I don't make it in time, at least I won't have to do yoga today."

Resistance! Here again!

Of course I am glad that I went, and I had a much better class than I expected. I was comfortable with the temperature and humidity levels, and I had my best ever day for standing bow. I held the posture the entire time, both sides, both sets. I've never done that before. Yes, my knee drifted out a bit and I had to level my hips to get it back into line, and no, I can't come close to standing splits or anything, but my form is pretty good, and my balance was there today. Yea.

The rest of class flew by, and I didn't hate camel today. Nothing was painful today--at yoga, at least--which is a nice respite during this dragged out break-up. Ex is dragging his feet about getting his belongings out of my house & I am longing to make a clean sweep of it.

I have been feeling a little off these last couple of days. I feel hungry, as if something is missing from my diet, but I can't pinpoint what it is. I wake up feeling tired and a little congested, very slightly headache-y. Don't know what to do except to keep going to yoga, try to eat better, get enough sleep. I wish that I had enough money to spring for a massage or acupuncture or something. I may investigate some low-cost options...

I'm glad I made it to class today, just very glad that I made it.

Day 52

2010-02-21T12:32:00.000-08:00

I got up early and did a morning class today. I am not a morning person! I was stiff in the stretching poses and wobbly in the balancing postures. I felt foggy-brained, spaced out, not very alert. It was not a difficult class or a too hot class, but I just wasn't at my best. I did every set of every posture. It was just a groggy class for me.

It was good to see a few of the beginners from yesterday at this morning's class.

In other news, I've been doing a little work on expanding my health & wellness knowledge, with the hopes of bringing more to the classes I teach. This afternoon, I will be attending a workshop for teaching yoga to people recovering from alcoholism and drug addiction. Yesterday, I attended "Diabetes Expo," a health fair for diabetics.

The expo was depressing! It seemed geared to just accepting your diagnosis and giving up. Get a mobility device from the Scooter Store, and stop trying to walk! Just try this other pharmaceutical!

I'm not gonna go off on a rant about food and diet, as I would never stop once I got started. I worked for natural foods companies for many years and have formed some strong opinions. But damn, I want to get my fitness/yoga instruction ideas more together, because I would like to attend next year's Expo to show people how doable yoga is, and how much it helps your overall well-being. And actually, I've read several studies, from universities in India, that showed marked improvement in diabetes patients who practice yoga daily. Even some Type I juvenile diabetics were able to reduce or omit insulin usage when they practiced yoga regularly. And the circulatory benefits of any asana practice, but Bikram yoga practice in particular, would be of amazing value to the average diabetes sufferer.

I'm off to enjoy the sunshine for a bit before heading off to the teaching workshop. It feels weird to be more than half-way through the 101 Challenge.

Day 51--New Inspiration

2010-02-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

We had the most gorgeous, early spring weather today! I rode my bike to the yoga studio, enjoying the fresh air and the warm sunshine. I attended our studio's community yoga class this morning, and I loved it. It was great to be practicing in a full room with a huge group of enthusiastic new students. The energy was high, and class was just a joy. Because I have had plenty of days when yoga is difficult and class seems endless, it was just freaking amazing to see how hard these newbies worked.

One of studio's regulars, a woman who's been practicing Bikram yoga for more than 15 years, was there this morning with a group of young people. She teaches a yoga class at a local community college, and she offered her students extra credit to attend Bikram community yoga class. It was a culturally diverse group of kids and they all seemed really into the practice. Other regulars brought in wives, brothers, neighbors, and co-workers. After class, a very overweight woman said to me, "I loved this. I feel like I'm already addicted to yoga. I'm coming back tomorrow." Watching the new folks' eyes light up and hearing them talk about how surprised and pleased they were with class was inspiring to me.

Last weekend, watching the advanced yogis compete inspired me, and this weekend, I got inspired by the beginners. And every week, I get some inspiration from reading all of the wonderful Bikram 101 bloggers. When my energy starts flagging, I have all these amazing sources of inspiration all around me. I'm so grateful!

Almost Halfway!

2010-02-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

Day 50! Class was good tonight!

This week, I've noticed some resistance bubbling up in my thoughts. It usually happens very early on in the class. I will find myself thinking, "Oh, God, another class...I'm so bored..." but once I catch myself with the thought, I generally find my mind settling on something else: the breath, the specifics of a posture, the dialogue, the corrections, my reflection in the mirror. And then before I know it, we're almost done with class.

When I wake up in the morning, sometimes I just want to sink back into sleep, stay comfortable and warm under the duvet, delay the need to make any effort. At yoga class, I find my mind just wants to sink into safe, comfortable thoughts and awareness, the lazy kind that require little or no focus or effort. But just as I usually feel pretty good once I get out of bed and start my day, I find class engrossing and interesting once we're past pranayama.

Today, I had the "ho hum" thoughts during pranayama, but I just suddenly kicked into gear and felt focused on practice. But then, at some point, I just spaced out entirely. I don't know where my mind was! I had no memory of doing bow pose, and suddenly we were done with fixed firm. Weird.

I can't believe we are at Day 50 already, and I hope that I will continue to see and feel improvements in my practice.

Days 47 & 48

2010-02-17T21:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I attended an early morning class. It seems a lifetime ago now, and I have few clear memories of it! However, I do remember starting out the class feeling worried about the early morning lack of flexibility, a little stiffness, etc, and by the end of the half-moon sequences, I was feeling awake and alive and glad to be there. it was a pretty good class--not a rock star class, but not a struggle either; just a good solid class.

Afterward, I went straight to the community center to teach a yoga/fitness class to seniors. I had a busy day, running all over town for various meetings. I managed, yesterday, to get my old skinny jeans on, and I felt pretty good about that. I've lost a little weight and really toned up quickly with this challenge. I met a friend for a big, spicy, rich, late afternoon meal at a Cuban restaurant, and I attended a big community event in the evening. Still, I was home and in bed by 10PM, and I didn't have a drop of alcohol.

But I really got up on the wrong side of the bed today! I woke in the middle of night a couple of times, fell right back asleep, but felt rather cranky and sleep-deprived in the morning. Was it from eating too much? or eating too rich/spicy? My head ached a bit, and I felt vaguely nauseated. Taught some classes this afternoon, and I just put off my Bikram class for as long as possible, hoping that I'd start feeling better later on. I also wanted to be sure to have plenty of time to keep hydrating, and to not have anything in my stomach at class time.

This evening's class was taught by one of my favorite teachers (I have a lot of favorite teachers), J, the cartoon geek, who always makes me smile. I was still not feeling well, not in a very happy frame of mind, and not very energetic. But J. says silly things and it reminded me that I can smile. It helps, it really does. Just a little smile, then a few thoughts of gratitude, then some focus on breathing, and I don't feel so bad anymore. I was still kind of dragging through class, low energy, but I really felt better. Learning that I truly can change the way I feel, physically, emotionally, and mentally just by using my breath, thinking some good thoughts, consciously changing my attitude...it's so empowering, to know this.

After tonight's class, I'm feeling a few chills, so I think that it's possible that my body is just fighting off a mild virus or something. Pre-101 Challenge, I probably would've skipped class to baby myself, saying I needed the extra rest. Now I feel as if I need to go to class to 'burn' away the sickness and keep me on a healing path. And to keep working on attitude, cultivating stillness in my postures and in my mind.

Day 45

2010-02-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

Meh. Class seemed a bit lackluster to me today, but it was mostly me, my mood that was lacking.

I feel generally cranky today, carrying around some anger towards my partner. Make that "ex-partner", I guess. So I was easily annoyed by odds and ends of things that normally don't bother me in the least.

Today, I was SO irritated with how other people placed their mats! Very petty of me, I know, but I don't understand why people don't use the lines properly and don't stagger the mats (and themselves, during triangle, et al). I was grumpy with the instructor; it felt as if she held us in every posture 3X longer than is required. We finished class on time, so that couldn't have been true. Just me and my bad attitude. It was very humid, and we didn't get any relief from the exhaust fans until tree posture. I got dizzy from the lack of fresh air, and I sat out a smidgen of standing head to knee.

I got yelled at, too! I got caught "cheating," in triangle, and my teacher said, "Sisya! You know better than that!" I have a bad habit I need to break. You see, when I came back to yoga, in October 2008, I had injured my back. I had a crushed disc in my lower back, and I'd strained the latissimus dorsi on the left side as well. Doing triangle on the left side was very painful to my back. I compensated by resting my left arm on my left thigh. And still, on my wimpy days, I slip into doing it, even though my back is now fit as a fiddle. The wimpy days are fewer and further between these days, but I got busted today, me and my bad attitude.

And it ended up being a good class. I mean, I feel better now, and I am not as grumpy. I feel silly for all the pissy little thoughts spinning through my mind during class. I am so glad that I went to class, that I'm getting through the challenge, and that most of the time, I am seeing progress, improvement. Most of all, I am FEELING it. Yoga makes life better, even on grumpy days. Maybe especially on grumpy days.

Day 44

2010-02-13T20:09:00.000-08:00

I had a great class today. I was very well rested, well hydrated, had proper electrolyte balance, and I had no stomach/nausea issues, having eaten at just the right time (for me, that's about 4 hours before class). If I were so well-prepared every day, I'd probably see a lot more progress in my practice! I do what I can, and I am feeling plenty motivated to prepare properly with more consistency, having seen how much difference it makes in my experience of class.

I had a wonderful first set of bow-pulling pose. I fell out of the right side just a couple of seconds before time was up, and I held the posture the whole time on the left hand side. I had pretty good form, too, relative to my past performance. Very very satisfying to see and feel improvements of any kind, and small improvements seem to show themselves almost every day now. It makes me so happy that I'm doing the challenge, reaching new levels in my practice.

i weighed myself today, and another 4 pounds or so are gone. That's a bit gratifying as well. It is hard to believe that we are nearing the halfway point in the challenge. In some ways it feels like we just started.

47 on 43

2010-02-12T14:38:00.000-08:00

I turned 47 years old today, Day 43 of the Bikram 101 Challenge. Morning class with one of my favorite instructors felt relatively easy. It wasn't particularly hot or humid. I always do pretty well in the cooler, drier conditions, but I always feel like a cheater!

Encouraging signs today:

I kicked out and held the posture the entire time for standing head to knee, right side, both sets. That's progress for me. I still struggle to straighten my left leg when I kick it out, but I did better than usual on that side too.

Camel didn't kill me today. I am often reluctant to even try camel. It's usually just fine, once I summon the courage to try it. Today, I just did it without having a fearful little argument with myself.

And I didn't drink any water at all until after kapalbhati breathing. I'm sure that this was made easier by the slightly lower temperature & humidity, but it felt good to know that I actually could make it through classs without my usual party time swig, the drink before savasana, and my fixed firm water break.

I drove across town to teach right after I finished yoga class. Now, after late lunch, I am sleepy and content.

mid morning class--Day 42

2010-02-11T14:48:00.000-08:00

I went to class this morning, and the studio seemed eerily empty. Two of our instructors are competing in the Asana Championships this weekend, as are two students from our studio. The studio owners went to LA for the Championships as well. This mid-morning class is fairly new at our studio, and usually smaller than other classes, but today there were just 12 of us! It felt a little lonely! I'm getting used to bumping into people, staggering ourselves on the lines, and making room for one more mat.

It was super-duper humid today. Didn't feel hot, but I was coated, head to toe, dripping with perspiration before pranayama even ended. I am so sweaty. Much much later in the class I looked at the lady next to me, in her below-the-knee length tights, longline sports bra top and giant massive thick all cotton T-shirt over that, and wondered why she wasn't drenched. How does she keep her hair dry in all that heat and humidity? It is a mystery to me how differently each person's body responds to this yoga.

I got mad dizzy vertigo during standing head to knee. I pushed through with it, and I struggled against it in standing bow. Balancing stick was fine, but after the first set of standing separate leg stretching, the blacking out feeling was overwhelming, so I sat down. I did one set of triangle, and I was okay after that. I still really feel down on myself when I sit out postures, but sometimes I just don't have it in me to do everything. Overall, though, it was a good class, and I am happy to have my yoga done for the day. I am toying with the idea of trying to hit the 6:30 class tonight if I can get across town fast enough, but I don't know for sure...

When I was lying in savasana after class, I was thinking back to some of the first Bikram Yoga classes I ever took. They were at a just-opened studio in Bozeman, Montana. The instructor, Chris Bunting, had such a gentle, strong, helpful style of teaching. At that time, I didn't know about the dialogue, and I was utterly blown away by the amount of precision and detail in the instruction. I thought that Chris was an amazing genius! And he is! He learned all of that dialogue, anatomy, physiology, asana study, focus, and discipline. And he learned from another genius, Bikram. But the point is, the instruction was so specific and gave me immediate improvement in asana. And that was unbelievably motivating to me. Chris an his wife, Rebeckah, are both wonderful, inspiring instructors, and I am grateful that from them, I got such a great introduction to Bikram yoga.

I read on facebook today that it is Bikram's birthday! I am wishing him a happy day, and sending gratitude to him for giving the world this series and bringing yoga practice to us.

I don't know how to throw this into my wrap-up for the day, but I love Bikram Yoga Bozeman's t-shirts. They say, "Good camel, good rabbit, good life." Indeed.

Day 41--Cooling Off

2010-02-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

This week, several of my classes have been very hot, extra humid, and a bit difficult. Today was like an arctic vacation! A cool cool classroom, hovering between 95 and 100 degrees. Humidity was between 40 and 50%, but I somehow snagged a spot with pretty good ventilation, so life was a breeze. I feel almost as if I cheated today, because I found class so pleasant, due to the cooler temp. A couple of other students were annoyed that the room wasn't as hot as usual. Dunno the reason for the difference today either.

I hydrated pretty well today, got some electrolytes and salts into my beverages, but I was mostly unable to eat all day. During half moon, I felt pangs in my stomach and briefly worried that my blood sugar would get too low and way-lay me. It didn't! I did both sets of everything. I was a little wobblier than usual in standing head to knee, bow pulling pose, and balancing stick, but everything else was just fine. I saw big progress in toe stand today. I got both hands into prayer, got my hips up off the heel, and managed to lift my eyes from the floor and look at myself in the mirror, holding still. I didn't manage to hold it for the full allotment of time, but I held still for several seconds more than I ever have before. Progress makes it all feel worth it.

I must confess, I had a moment in the early part of class today where I thought, "Why the hell am I doing this? I don't want to do a challenge anymore. I want to have tomorrow off." But I ended up having a good class and feeling committed to the 101 Challenge.

This is probably TMI (and I'm glad to have kept my blog more or less anonymous), but here's what's going on in my personal life: My partner has been very ill for the last 3-4 years. I have more or less been our sole support for 2 of those years. He was doing well recently and had been working again, and feeling good. He recently got some bad news though, and he's been upset, angry, and confused. he's been moody and difficult and critical of me. He suddenly decided that he needs to see other women. I think it's about his fear and uncertainty more than it is about me/us. But he's been very hurtful to me, and I can't wait patiently for him to work out his issues when he is not even civil or honest with me. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he also apparently thinks that he should be able to sow some wild oats and still live at my house and expect my emotional support. I can't live like that. It's been a really difficult decision, but I told him that he has to leave.

So, ugh. I feel crazy and heartbroken and worried and sometimes a little guilty. I am angry and hurt and so sad and so afraid. I can't be around him without either crying or getting angry. Much of the time, I can't eat. Last night, I overate, stuffing my feelings down. Bleah!

This 101 Challenge is a blessing though. It gives me more motivation to keep going, keep moving through my life, to not collapse into my sadness. It gives me more reasons to take good care of my health. It gives me respite, sanctuary, a safe and wonderful place where I don't need to focus on anyone or anything but myself. Bikram says the most important thing in your life is you. Yoga class is where I get to be most present with the most important thing in my life.

Day 40

2010-02-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

I was tired and grumpy this afternoon, but class was pretty good. I did both sets of all of the postures. No major victories or progress to report today, and no major pain or problems either.

I think that my relationship is ending, and I am overwhelmingly emotional about that. I felt teary as I walked up the steps into the studio today, and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna end up crying in class today." But the yoga room provided me with a little temporary sanctuary. All of those thoughts and feelings left me while I focused on balance, breath, and ease. I am oh so thankful for my yoga.

Day 38

2010-02-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

My mind keeps flitting around to all sorts of odd little details concerning my health and my body. I read someone else's blog yesterday, and she mentioned achy hips. "Hmmm. My hips never ache," I thought to myself. So this morning while I was lying in bed, I noticed that, guess what, my hips were aching. Then later this afternoon, while driving, I felt the nasty twinge of sciatica down the back of my thigh. I worried momentarily, did my customary little deep breaths ("If you feel pain or fatigue anywhere, send your breath there, like an ambulance," as my teacher says), and I sorta just forgot about it.

Now, more than an hour after class, I have absolutely no pain in my hip joints and no sciatic pain at all. Sometimes it scares me to think about how my old body might feel if I'd never found yoga. This business of practicing consecutive days seems to bring me twinges of discomfort in a new joint, muscle or tendon with every single class. But they seem to always pass, often very quickly. I think yoga is making adjustments on my body every day, tweaking it to get it closer to perfect alignment. It is the most amazing process. I'm a little bit stunned when I look in the mirror. Head to toes, I am in better alignment. Literally. My freaking toes are straighter.

I got dizzy again today, during class. I was super-stressed most of the day, and ended up not being able to really hydrate properly. I got caught up at an appointment, and I ended up just barely making it to the last class of the day. If I wasn't doing the 101 Challenge, there is no way in hell I would have gone to class tonight at all. Stress really zaps my energy. And one of my teachers is always harping on how we need to clear the excess cortisol out of our systems (with yoga) when we are under lots of stress. It was tough trying to get through standing series with the black-out dizzies hitting me. By the time we got to spine-strengthening series, though, I felt good again. We seem to breeze right through all of the floor postures in the blink of an eye these days.

Super Bowl Sunday, so class was sparse and roomy tonight--15 students. Tonight, our instructor's parents were in class. It was funny when she said, "Mom! Lock the knee!" and somehow sounded like a bratty teenager insisting that she get her way. She jokingly said to an older man in class, "Hey, my Mom didn't sit that posture out." He lifted his head off the mat and said, "Her daughter ought to turn the fans on," and we all tittered. I really like our studio and our goofy little community. Another benefit of daily practice is how well you get to know your teachers and fellow students, making for a lot of support as well as teasing, joking, and fun.

I'm off to bed and yoga dreams. Sweet yoga dreams to all of you!

Wake Up!

2010-02-07T10:37:00.000-08:00

I had a busy, stressful, and intense day yesterday, but my yoga class was just wonderful, made me feel happy. So this morning when I woke up, stressful topics of the previous day were on my mind. I was lying there, staring at the ceiling, drowsily worrying, and suddenly I had a moment of panic: I couldn't remember if I'd gone to yoga yesterday. I had gone to class, of course. It made me laugh. Is yoga becoming so routine that I can momentarily forget that I've been to class? Or is this just another aspect of the Crazy 30? At any rate, I will not forget to go to yoga today!

Day 37--Okay!

2010-02-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

I have no insight or important information to blog about today, just a short report.
Class was great. I actually had fun. I did every set of every posture, and at one point I zoned out completely. My body was doing the postures, but my mind floated away from me, free of all thoughts. It was just a fabulous class. No new huge progress, but i did every posture pretty much as well as I ever do them, nothing horrid or super-weak.

Four people from my studio are competing at the National Yoga Championships. Our state champ in the women's division did her set for us near the end of class. I'm looking forward to trying to see a bit of the competition online; I'm told that they are streaming it live.

Ahhh! I feel so good right now, relaxing, having had a lovely dinner after my lovely yoga class. I wonder if I will want a day off after the 101st day. Right now, I feel like I want to do a class a day for the rest of my life.

Brutal! Great!

2010-02-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

Day 36 was BRUTAL. Extra hot, extra humid. And I'd had some stomach problems all day, even canceled a class that I was supposed to teach today. My queasy stomach, a room packed with 50 people, and humidity that was definitely higher than 60% ( I checked the reading on the thermo-station after class, after the fans had been on and door and window opened, and it was still above 60) all contributed to my first "hot nap" of the challenge. I sat out a LOT. I simply couln't seem to get enough oxygen. My heart rate would not slow down, even while I rested in savasana. I was dizzy by standing head to knee. My stomach hurt. During spine-strengthening series, my head began to throb.

Whenever the conditions in the yoga room seem difficult, I never know if it's just me, my mind searching for excuses, or if it's truly extra hot. Well, the students were dropping like flies today. It wasn't just me. Several other students sat out as many or more postures than I did, and almost half the class sat out at least one. Six people left the room, and only three came back in. Our studio is pretty strict about not leaving the room, so it was very unusual to see.

Conditions of the room, the conditions of my mind, and the conditions of my body were all difficult and uncomfortable today. Well, all I can do is go back tomorrow and try again! Not all that long ago, I might easily have found a class like today's to be incredibly demoralizing, discouraging. One sign that my mindset is getting stronger: I wish class had felt better today, but I know I'll have good classes again soon and more of these steamy, brutal, tough classes. It doesn't bother me or discourage me. We start fresh again tomorrow, we bring a different body and a different mind to class each day, and doing our best with what we've got in any given moment is what it's all about.

And wouldn't you know, after that miserable class, I feel GREAT.

Day 35

2010-02-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

I went to morning class today! I'm an afternoon/evening type of yogini most of the time, but I have to do an AM class on Thursdays or I don't get to go to class at all. One of those nagging small goals on my back burner is to make morning practice a more frequent thing for me. Once a week is a start, isn't it?

This morning I got yelled at for backward bending during pranayama...just a bit of laziness, or lack of awareness on my part...still sleepy, maybe. I was not as flexy in the opening postures--not unusual for a morning class.

But I surprised myself with Eagle! It's a posture that I haven't had too hard a time with, and I rarely give it much thought. I've been trying to work a bit on getting my upper body back though. I am shocked at how much lower I can bring my hips if I am not leaning or hunching forward. I've had a pretty good wrap for a long time, but today I touched my right big toe to the top of my left (standing) foot for the very first time! I just busted out in a great big smile and felt goofy and happy about it. I got so caught up in my happy goofy feeling, in fact, that I fell out of the posture a couple of times during the second set.

I enjoyed most of the rest of class, but I found myself tiring out near the end. I did my best ever standing head to knee today too (not that my head is on my knee yet, but I'm kicking out with more and more ease and more strength). And I had a moment of...I don't know, insight, maybe, or emotional something or other during bow pose.

Bow pose has often hurt my left knee, a lot. I try to be as careful as possible to keep the knee alignment during the pose, and this lessens the chance of pain, but sometimes it just looks like 'all systems, go' and I lift up and...ow, it hurts. So I am really scared of it sometimes.

My dog broke his front leg a few days ago, and he's been limping around with a splint. He wants so badly to play fetch, to chase a tennis ball or a squirrel in the yard, but if he gets too much weight on his hurt leg, he winces and pulls it up again.

One of the relationship issues I've been having is sort of like that too. I have isolated, gotten quite depressed, and put a lot of my life on hold during T's illness, and he is sometimes angry and annoyed about that. I'm an introvert anyway, and T is an extrovert, so we approach some things very differently. We were quarreling about it yesterday, him urging me to get out in the world more, to socialize and be positive. I told him, "I'm trying, and I'm working on it, but I am going slow. I can't be changed overnight. I'm like Buddy; I'm not ready to put all of my weight on my paw yet."

That conversation flashed through my mind during bow pose today. I guess it is a little bit similar--going slow, being kind of careful, testing things out and being easy on myself where there is pain involved. We can't let old injuries keep us from trying, but sometimes we need to do some healing before we push too hard.

I feel pretty sure that Buddy and me are both gonna heal up just fine.

The Crazy 30

2010-02-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

A few other 101 Challengers have mentioned the "crazy 30," which refers to the second 30 days of a challenge, when many yogis experience emotional release or have emotional issues come up during practice.

Well, my friends, life, fate, karma, or some kind of Divine power is helping me get right into my Crazies without delay.

A gazillion little problems and a couple of huge ones have presented themselves in my home life, my personal life, and my work life--in just a couple of days!

I am really truly worried about my boyfriend's health and well being, as it's taken a turn for the worse; I am unsure if our relationship can withstand much more stress; our financial situation had a flicker of hope last month, but things are looking pretty grim at present (oh, health care in the good old USA). One of my employers made a small clerical error that will impact attendance in the classes I teach (and therefore, my income) for several months hence, and there is nothing we can do about it. Another employer completely welched on an agreement. Bah!

And other little surprises that stir up emotions: Out of the blue, I got a facebook message from an old long ago friend that I'd fallen out with. Another friend just lost his dad. My dog broke his front leg when he landed wrong after jumping high to catch a ball. I just feel like crying forever. I'm not weeping uncontrollably during balancing stick or anything, but tears are welling up in my eyes in savasana on a regular basis here in February.

Life is just like practicing yoga every day. Yoga is just like living every day. Sometimes it fills us with joy and peace. Sometimes it's a piece of cake. Sometimes you wonder how it could possibly get any better. And then some days, it's just hard, it just hurts. Sometimes, you can't get your mind off of your worries and just be present. Sometimes, at yoga, we block ourselves off from the joy, the release, or the peace, or even samadhi, enlightenment--when it's right there within reach, because we are afraid or too distracted by our worries, problems, shortcomings, and negativity. We can easily miss out on the best parts of every day living too, if we don't find a way to deal with the negative emotions and attitudes, or to face what is painful and work through it.

I am so grateful for yoga because it gives me a chance to change for the better, and move toward deeper awareness. My favorite version of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras translates samadhi as "the settled mind." To me, that connotes a deep profound calm, certainty, serenity. It makes enlightenment sound so...solid. That appeals to me in many ways. Yoga lets me know that a settled mind is there for me, for everyone, waiting. Yoga brings me a little more peace every day, even when I cry or curse my teacher or find myself thinking of things that hurt. More of my issues come to my awareness, and I have this chance, every day, to feel what is painful, bring my heart and my mind and soul into slightly better alignment, and flush out the spiritual and emotional toxins. Tourniquet effect for the soul, so to speak.

Yikes, yes, I'm deep into the Crazies already, and I am looking forward to getting through some sh*t. This is areally difficult time, but I am crazy grateful for the process and for this yoga.

31-derful Days!

2010-01-31T12:35:00.000-08:00

I made it to a morning class today! It was taught by N, and since she usually teaches in the morning, I haven't been in one of her classes in a long long time. She's a good, solid teacher and seems to be loved by all. It was nice to be her class again.

The air was thick as pea soup today, humid, humid, humid. N left the fans off until tree pose. The studio's fans don't really blow air, but they seem to help circulate the air a bit and reduce the humidity. I was short of breath, gasping for air throughout a good portion of standing series. It was a struggle!

I'm still experimenting with my water intake. If I stop and think about it, I am almost never thirsty at party time, so I try not to drink then, and it's easy not to. Sometimes I want to drink water before our 2 minute savasana, but I am often able to do without then as well. The pause at fixed firm post is what always gets me. By then, I am usually thirsty, but knowing that camel pose is coming up soon sometimes dissuades me from having more than a sip. Camel often makes me nauseated, especially if I drink cold water. If I don't consciously limit my water intake at fixed firm, I can guzzle down half a liter then!

I've been toting around my old red 1 liter Sigg bottle since I came back to yoga in October 2008. It has been dropped a lot, fallen off the bottle rack of my bicycle, and was accidentally stepped on by a big man. It's got chpped paint and a big dent in it. When I came back to yoga, I pretty much consumed the entire liter of water during each and every class. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I lost the old Sigg. All of my other water bottles hold a smaller volume of water. So there will never be another Whole Liter During Class day for me!

I hope to one day have a hot, sweaty class where I don't drink a single sip of water. I want to do that before the challenge is over.

Another thought about water: At one of the first Bikram classes I ever took, a student complained that his water was too warm to drink, since it was in the hot room with him. Our teacher said, "Actually, it is better for you to drink warm water. Cold water is hard on your kidneys." I don't know about that, but I do know that I have almost always been a tad averse to cold, icy beverages, even in the summer. Room temperature water doesn't make me feel sick during yoga the same way that cold water does. I always see people in class with big bottles filled mostly with ice, and it seems weird to me.

When I am trying to hydrate at home before and after class, one thing I enjoy are warm herb 'teas' (tisanes or infusions of herbs). They are easier for me to drink on cold days, and there are a lot of herbs that can help replenish minerals. Ginger has magnesium and potassium, and it's commonly used to aid digestion and treat nausea...it's the perfect herb tea for me.

Well, 31 days of of the challenge done, 70 days to go, and it is feeling pretty wonderful. I'm so glad we're doing this!

30 Days!

2010-01-30T21:42:00.000-08:00

Yea! We made it to Day 30! This is a first for me, and I can't wait to reach the next milestone in this challenge.

I had a lovely class tonight. The fierce and feared instructor taught us tonight, and I did my best to avoid attracting attention. Ms F doesn't let us get away with resting out postures unless we are truly unable to do them. She calls out sandbaggers. Luckily, I felt strong enough to do all of the postures. I didn't have my best day at standing head to knee or standing bow pulling pose, but it was, by and large, a good class. Bow pose on the floor went better today--good alignment--and I got my heels together in half-tortoise without suffering foot cramps.

Sleepy now, and in a good way. I'm about to crawl into bed and dream good yoga dreams so that I can practice well tomorrow. G'night!

Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me

2010-01-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

I've been secretly hoping that the Bikram Challenge would help me lose 5 or 10 pounds. I am slightly reluctant to admit to all of this, as I would rather be a noble yogini who practices for greater health and deeper connections between mind, body, and spirit. But I am distracted by vanity and the desire to fit into my skinny jeans.

Roughly 3-3 1/2 years ago, I weighed about 15 lbs. less than I do now. When I began a regular Bikram yoga practice (3-5X/wk for about 6-7 months), I actually gained 3 or 4 lbs, but I simultaneously lost a full 3 inches from my hips and firmed up all over. Over the next 2 years, I stopped going to yoga and my life became increasingly stressful. I didn't take very good care of myself, and I gradually put on nearly 20 lbs. In October 2008, when I came back to yoga, I lost about 5 lbs very quickly. Then another 4 lbs gradually dropped off over the course of a year. The rest of my stress weight clings stubbornly.

I'm eating healthy whole foods, a balanced diet, but I just go with the flow of my cravings and hunger. Other than avoiding sugar, processed foods, and junk foods, I don't really restrict my diet. I guess I eat a lot; my friends comment about my hollow leg, and I seem to quite comfortably put away as much food as my 200lb. boyfriend does. So maybe I need to start watching portion size if I'm serious about losing weight, but...I'm not sure that I'm that serious yet. I've just been hoping that yoga would burn away a little weight, and that yoga would adjust my cravings and appetite enough to cause a little more weight reduction.

Sometimes yoga dampens my appetite and seems to make junk food very unappealing. Sometimes yoga makes me crave kale and other leafy greens. Sometimes I crave protein in any form. I had a pickle binge last week. I am just trusting my body to tell me what it needs.

So on Day 1 of the Challenge, I weighed and measured myself. In 29 days, I have lost about 2 lbs. My waist is 3/4 inch smaller, and my hips are an inch and a half smaller. Practicing yoga on consecutive days keeps my metabolism humming right along. I don't know if this reducing trend will continue, but it's nice to see some results pretty quickly.

In other news, I practiced in the front row tonight. It was a pretty good class. I focused on being gentle with myself and putting more ease into my postures. Lost my alignment with Bow Pose again and had knee pain, but everything else was just fine. I can't claim to enjoy camel at all, but it was good tonight. I am getting into the posture with more depth and less strain. It always feels so wonderful to notice an improvement in a posture.

Tomorrow is 30 days...I've never made it to 30 consecutive days before! I'm chuffed!

Be nice!

2010-01-28T23:06:00.000-08:00

Bah! Tonight's class was one of my most difficult, maybe the hardest so far in this challenge. I was low on energy and felt nauseated for most of the class. I sat out several postures. I am not gonna beat myself up about it, but it is a bit disappointing.

Tonight's class was taught by J, the comic book/cartoon fan, and during savasana, he gave us a little pep talk that I loved. He said, "Sometimes we try to tell our bodies what to do, and maybe we aren't so nice. If you order it, like, (mean, gruff voice) 'Do this posture better!' , your body might get scared and respond like, (timid voice) 'Oh, no, I...I don't think I can.' . So maybe what you should do is just invite your body to do something differently, or just ask it nicely. When people ask me nicely to do something, I always want to try."

J's funny voices and the sweetness of his little lesson made me smile. And it struck a chord with me--I have definitely been that person in class who is grimacing and tensely trying to force my body into a deeper expression of a posture, forgetting all about breath, ease, and grace. I've been impatient and critical with myself, and sometimes very unrealistic. I'm supposed to be looking into the eyes of my own best teacher there at class. I ought to at least be nice to her, eh?

Sleepy

2010-01-28T12:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know the reason for it, but I am thoroughly exhausted.

I ended up loving class on Tuesday. I ate a very healthy dinner, did some reading, and went to bed early. I slept about 10 hours and just couldn't seem to wake up at all on Wednesday. I taught at the senior living place and went to a 4:30 PM Bikram class. It was not my best class, but not terrible. I found myself a bit out of breath and just tired afterward. Waiting in line for the showers, other regular students pronounced the class, "Brutal" and "Too hot." I can't tell what's hot or not anymore. I used to always feel too hot, no matter what, and now I just can't tell unless it's extra extra extra extremely different than normal.

Last night, again, I hit the hay early, and I slept like a slightly achy log for almost 11 hours. I dreamed about yoga all night: I dreamed that old friends from other places that I've lived were all in yoga classes with me. I dreamed about one of my favorite teachers, who is leaving our studio. I dreamed I was taking classes with him in a strange new studio.

I'm sure that I must need the extra rest, for whatever reason, in order to work out some issue or another, but I'm hoping that the groggy sleepy days are coming to an end soon.

Some changes...

2010-01-26T00:57:00.000-08:00

We're about a quarter of the way there now! It's feeling pretty good to me.

Yesterday, I attended a class taught by a teacher who is sometimes feared in these parts. She is known for being really tough on students, demanding that they try harder. We had only about 15 people in class, so the potential to be "picked on" seemed high. I was apprehensive, but it was an amazing class. Teacher was pushing us, but it felt completely positive.

I wonder if she has changed, or if I have changed how I perceive her. She gave me very specific individual instructions to improve camel pose, and while it was a struggle, a challenge for me, it really helped. I remember a long ago class where this same teacher criticized me in fixed-firm pose, and it made me so discouraged that I sat out the next couple of postures. My teacher may have softened the edges of her instruction a bit, but I think that more yoga, a stronger practice, has cleared my mind a little. Some of the self-doubt, pessimism, and self-consciousness is being swept away. It's such a gradual process, what yoga does to the mind, that you don't even realize it's happening...then suddenly, you are able to accept things differently, for the better.

This evening, I attended a hot, humid, packed in like sardines class with several first-timers. I'd had a slightly crappy day and didn't really feel like going to yoga. Class really lifted my spirits. Once I got there, I realized that I felt very well, physically. I was properly hydrated, rested, and had taken my supplements. Some days, when I walk into the studio, it feels oppressively hot. Some days, it feels good, like, "Ah, back where I belong!" It felt like "Ah!" today. I think this was one of those group energy days...it was just a good strong class.

Prior to this 101 Challenge, Bikram Yoga classes often felt like the longest 90 minutes ever. I worried that they might seem even more so if I went to class every day. Instead, I find that classes mostly seem to fly by faster each day!

Toes and Heels Touching

2010-01-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

Apologies to Action JoJo if she ever reads this, but my topic today is FEET!

We had a little group therapy session after Bikram yoga class tonight, sharing about issues with our feet. Feet are also discussed at my senior citizens' gentle yoga classes. Our feet do a lot of work for us, and we often ignore them completely unless they start complaining.

I am reminded of a memoir I read long ago: The author's widowed mother used to come home from long hard days of work and soak her feet in a basin with epsom salts. Then she would dry them off and give them a good massage, saying, "Thank you, Feet, for carrying me through another day."

In the fitness and gentle yoga classes for seniors/elders that I teach, I find that many older people have really very literally lost touch with their feet. If injuries or arthritis cause stiffness or pain, some folks become increasingly inactive and immobile. If bending or reaching down to tie a shoe becomes difficult, they try to avoid it as much as possible. Flexing and pointing the foot, or rotating the ankle is often a challenge for otherwise fit seniors. I've been noticing how many people--not just the elderly--walk with stiff ankles or slap an entire foot down instead of letting the ankles and feet use some of their range of motion.

It's heart-breaking to see how much balance and quality of life can suffer from having problems with one's feet. Balance is so important. One of the top fears that elders have is the fear of falling down and getting hurt. We work on range of motion all over the body, but balancing exercises (not quite as challenging as the ones in Bikram's series) are a central part of the classes. Just as Bikram always says, "It's never too late, you're never too old..." A good sense of balance can be regained, improved, developed--no matter how old or unsteady you are. I've seen it with my own eyes; balance can be improved very quickly.

People don't always feel comfortable doing this, because many are just uncomfortable with their feet, but I also have students in my classes try a sort of modified, seated half-lotus, and I ask them to wiggle their toes, flex the foot, and then give it a good massage. Sedentary people usually need better circulation in their feet, and massage is good for that. Plus, feet just deserve a little attention and thanks.

Several fellow Bikram yoga students and I have all been experiencing cramping in our feet lately. We all have our own theories about the causes, but I think for most of us it is a combination of a bit of mineral depletion and a lot of realignment happening. We are all people who practice 5 or more times/week, and I think that regular practice gradually pulls every single bit of us closer to perfect alignment.

The bones, muscles, tendons, and ligaments of the feet are kind of intricate, really, and just think of all that they do, carrying the entire weight of our bodies every time we stand or walk or run. In our standing series, in order to balance properly, our feet do some hard work. Sonya (my 101 Challenge buddy) has had fallen arches forever, but distributing the weight evenly all over the standing foot is starting to make those arches lift right up. They want to be where they're supposed to be! My bunion foot cramps around the toes because my big toe is gradually moving back to its rightful, original place, and the muscles of the rest of the toes are working differently to compensate. My arches feel a twinge when I try to pull my heels together in half-tortoise.

Cramps in your feet can be very painful, and they are no fun at all, but I'm really happy to be experiencing them, because it's part of the process of improving alignment, helping me build a firm foundation. I'm going to take pains to try to keep my body supplied with enough minerals and stay well-hydrated to try to prevent cramping as much as I can, give myself a little foot massage from time to time, and I think it'll all work itself out. There's usually at least a tiny twinge of pain with any worthwhile change. And I'm gonna thank my feet for carrying me through another day and another Bikram yoga class.

Whatever you do, do it good!

2010-01-21T21:32:00.000-08:00

Yea! Day 21 feels like a mini-milestone to me. I'm giddy right now, just home from the last evening class. It was a long and busy day, and I am running on very little sleep. I was oh-so-tempted to skip out on yoga today, felt very nervous about going to class when I was so sleep-deprived and grumpy, but it was a great class, and I cannot freaking believe that I feel so good right now! This yoga just keeps amazing me.

I've been cutting down my coffee consumption a lot lately; I just don't seem to be craving it the way I usually do. I drank some pu-ehr tea for a pick-me-up this afternoon and drank plenty of water with some Emergen-C too. I was almost late for class--got in the room just as pranayama was starting. It was packed! People had to move mats to make room for me, and were cheek by jowl for 90 minutes.

I'm not gonna lie: I got very very light-headed & dizzy in standing series and sat out second set of bow-pulling pose. There was a moment there that felt very unsteady, and while I feel a little wimpy for copping out, I think it was justified. Maybe. In a way.

Oh, I don't know!

Anyway, my standing head-to-knee pose doesn't look all that great, but it sure feels good! I am overjoyed on days like today when I ease into the kick slowly and smoothly and am able to hold on, keep kicking out, and stay still. No wobbles (well, not as many) and no straining. It feels like I am finally on the right track with this posture! It feels so good to be making noticeable improvements in asana. Prior to the challenge, my practice had become rather stagnant, and it had been a while since I'd felt real progress happening.

I love my teachers. My class tonight was taught by this sweet, funny guy who has worked on some famous animated films. He is a bit of a comic book geek and always has interesting and silly things to say, often throwing in some tale or joke from a cartoon series or comic book. He always makes us laugh or at least smile.

Tonight, as we lay in savasana, he said, "Pay attention to your expression," and then he began singing! He was slightly off-key the whole time, and the song went:

It's not what you look like when you do what you're doin'
It's what you're doin' when you're doin' what you look like you're doin'
Express yourself!
Express yourself!

I googled this song when I got home, and it's by Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd St. Band.
I'm a little dorky, but I really like it as a yoga-song-in-my-head:

Do it!
Go on & do it!
Yo, do it,
Give!

Whatever you do, do it good!
Whatever you do, do it good!

In sickness and in health, I am commited to this practice.

2010-01-19T21:25:00.000-08:00

I got sick yesterday: felt a bit like an allergy and also like a head cold. My nose felt stuffy, I was sneezing a lot, and my eyeballs felt as if they were burning. I settled into class with a stash of tissues in case the sneezing commenced or my nose started running. The heat felt good, and by the end of pranayama breathing, my head felt clear. As class progressed, my head felt hot and feverish at times. I didn't kill myself or work extra hard, so it wasn't bad. My full locust posture felt weak and pathetic, but all in all, I am pleased that I made through class. The hot room and the yoga seem to have cured me of most of the head congestion.

Today, however, my stomach was very upset, and I felt a little congestion in the lungs. I was tired, dehydrated, and cranky, but I didn't want to miss class. I drank an electrolyte drink and postponed going to the studio until the last class, in the hopes that my stomach would settle by then. It was a very uncomfortable class, as my stomach just plain hurt during most of it. The room was hot--over 108--and very humid, and people were dropping like flies toward the end of standing series. I sat out one set of triangle, myself, which makes me feel a little disappointed in myself. Yet again, I'm glad to have gotten through class and done as much I did.

This morning, as I drove past a Lululemon store, I saw a sign in their window that said something like, "It takes just 21 days to form a habit." Thursday will be the 21st day of the challenge, so maybe going to yoga every day will be fully ingrained in me then! I really felt like staying home these past 2 days, but I want to succeed in this challenge. I'm feeling so determined right now.

These are the changes that I've noticed so far:

--Many of my postures show signs of improvement. I am happiest about keeping my hips positioned better for standing bow and for balancing stick. I've always been "good" on one side and "bad" on the other in those poses, but now I am gradually evening out. I'm also ecstatic to have found better form in bow pose. It used to hurt my knee so much that I was afraid to even try it. One of my teachers worked with me after class to help me figure it out.

--I don't feel so strained and struggling. I am slowly, slowly learning to ease into postures, to use my breath more and to stop fighting my way into a pose.

--I don't feel uncomfortable from the heat anymore. After practicing for so long, I'd more or less given up the idea of that ever happening, but since early in this challenge, it's become a regular thing for me. Sonya says it's because I am breathing more efficiently.

--Most of the time, my water consumption and thirst are much lower than they used to be.

--I'm still a busy-body, checking out other people's outfits, asana, and expressions, but I am also learning to spend more of the class time focusing on my practice. And along with that, I mean learning that focusing on myself and focusing on my practice are separate things.

Onward...

2010-01-18T16:40:00.000-08:00

My Friday double had me tuckered out, and I slept long and hard that night. I worried about my Saturday class, thinking that I'd suffer from fatigue after doing a double. Saturday was just fine, though. Class was taught by a teacher who jokes a lot but encourages us. The 90 minutes flew by. I was a little wobbly in some balancing postures, but I felt fine, did all of the postures, and managed to keep my water consumption during class to a minimum.

The yoga truck drove into town on Sunday. I wasn't run over, and I wasn't even really truly hit by it, but the bumper did graze up against me. In awkward pose, my quadriceps felt as if some sort of slow-drying cement had been poured between the muscle fibers. I didn't feel pain, and I didn't feel weakness or strain, but it seemed to require more effort to make those leg muscles work. Other than that, it was a pretty good class.

I am off to evening class tonight. On Monday nights, I clean the studio after the last class. In exchange, I get unlimited yoga classes at a drastic discount. I'm so grateful for this opportunity. I wouldn't otherwise be able to afford unlimited yoga. I'm hoping to write in greater detail tonight about some thoughts and observations I've had about the challenge.

16 Classes in 15 Days!

2010-01-15T21:59:00.000-08:00

I did a double today! One in the bank! This is only the second time ever that I've done two classes in one day, so it's kind of a big deal to me.

It was great! I took a 4:30 PM class and just stayed on for the 6:30 PM class as well. I felt really good after the first class, had a surge of energy toward the end, and just decided to see how I'd fare in a second class. I honestly thought I'd end up hanging out in savasana a lot, but that didn't happen. I got a little dizzy and light headed in the standing series and ended up sitting out one set of standing bow-pulling pose, but otherwise did all of the postures and feel fantastic. A little more tired than usual, perhaps, but mostly just fantastic!

I love Bikram yoga.

Without Excuse

2010-01-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

And another 2 classes in the bag.

I practiced good yoga yesterday, the 4:30 afternoon class. I felt great and strong, during and after class. Everything was beautiful. I had to rush off to a meeting at 7PM and wasn't home 'til almost 10. We ate a light late dinner, went to bed, and I was still just buzzing with energy, unable to sleep. I read for a bit, and suddenly felt ravenously hungry. I got up at 1:30 AM and ate two bowls of granola! I was just starving. I drank more water too; I was also feeling very thirsty. It must have been way after 2 when I finally slept, and once T got up at 6:30, I was more or less awake for the day, though I lingered in bed for another hour.

As it happens, today I needed to get to a morning class in order to make it to class at all. I really didn't have a lot of time to hydrate more, but I thought that since I'd had plenty of water last night, I might be okay.

Nah. Class sucked. Or my experience of class today sucked. I'm a wimp about morning classes anyway. And the whole water/electrolyte thing was out of whack for me. I was not on my proper (ahem) schedule, so I was feeling some intestinal discomfort, if you catch my drift. The room didn't feel hot, yet there seemed to be no air flow at all. I spent the whole 90 minutes nauseated and trying to focus on anything other than how my guts were feeling.

Everyone jokes that Bikram's Torture Chamber is Hell, because, you know, it's hot in there. Sartre said, "Hell is other people." Well, Hell was other people in my class this morning. Or another person.

Damn it, I let somebody steal my peace. And I was doing a pretty good job of peace-stealing all on my own, with my fixations on my guts and my water bottle and my thirst and my nausea.

Just a couple of days ago, That Girl was in another class with me. That Girl was on the other side of the room, but I heard her burst into tears during class. She spent a good deal of it sobbing in savasana. In that class, I felt like giving her a hug, even though I don't know her at all. I've felt that kind of intense emotional release in yoga class myself.

After that class, a few of us were lingering in the lobby, chatting, and a guy who'd been right in front of That Girl started bitching about her, "Sobbing and moaning and groaning! Why didn't the teacher tell her to leave? What a distraction! I couldn't stand it!" I felt he was being a little insensitive, so I kind of lobbed out a few comments about not letting anyone steal your peace, but none of it was really any of my business--That Girl's sobs, the teacher's response, the dude's reaction. Whatevs, people.

Well, today, That Girl was right behind me in class. And by the time we hit standing bow-pulling pose, the wailing had begun. It was louder and more continuous today. It was a vocal sort of crying, no snuffling or tears. The instructor was one of our young ladies who is fresh out of teacher training and a rather shy person. She finally walked back to sobbing That Girl and whispered, "Are you okay?" That Girl's crying stopped abruptly, like she's thrown a switch. She said loudly, in a tone that managed to combine nonchalance with a hint of indignation, "Sure. I'm just having a lot of emotional release. That's why I come here."

"Um, I'm with you, Insensitive Dude," I thought. "They gotta make her stop."

The poor teacher more or less just said, "oh," and went on with class. My mind was off and running in my own personal Hell of annoyance, blame, impatience, and insensitivity. And I was already focusing too much attention on my physical discomforts and not enough on my breath or my asana. Bah! I let my thoughts suck away my energy.

I gave up. I sat out camel and rabbit. I couldn't bear the thought of them, what with the nausea and all. I couldn't bear being in the room, what with That Girl, hamming it up back there.

I continued to silently hate on That Girl in the dressing room, where she talked loudly on her cell phone, but you know what? I really don't ever want to let myself think or feel that way again.

My original response to the situation in class a few days ago is the way I want to think about such things: It's really not my business--other people's behavior, no matter how distracting; how the teachers respond to other students; what the rest of the class thinks of noise in class. I am there to practice yoga. I can only control me and my own response. Getting annoyed and blame-y doesn't help in any way. It hurts. It wastes my energy, and on some level, even if I think I'm not showing it outwardly, I'm putting out a negative vibe.

I'll quote Sartre out of context, again: "We are left alone, without excuse." That's me, after class. I had a bad time at yoga class today, but no matter what happened there, my practice is mine alone, and I am without excuse.

I gotta take this yoga bull by the horns and get serious. No distractions.

Two more down, 88 to go...

2010-01-12T22:43:00.000-08:00

Hey, this consecutive classes deal really works! I am generally feeling better physically, in spite of the occasional tired muscle or light strain. In my normal day-to-day activities, I feel more relaxed, my joints feel looser, with better range of motion, and I am more energized.

It's been looong time since yoga made me feel this good. I am finally hitting my stride, feeling replenished by yoga and not depleted. I averaged 4 classes/week in 2009, and that felt like a lot of yoga to me, especially when I was working full-time and going to school part time. I expected to see some differences from practicing more frequently, but frankly, I feared that it might really suck the life out of me, leave me really exhausted. In the past, I've often told myself it was okay to skip yoga because I needed the rest and recuperation. I guess that's not always the case!

I have no earth-shattering insights or break-throughs to report. I figured out my knee alignment issue in floor bow, but the key to half-locust still eludes me. All in all, I feel like my practice is coming along quite nicely!

One of my instructors is fon of saying that Bikram Yoga never gets easy, but it does get better. Yup.

Day 10

2010-01-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

Somehow, it just keeps happening: I plan to go to a morning yoga class, but something else comes up, I postpone class 'til afternoon, then something else comes up, and I find myself attending the evening class! I dashed into class last night at the very last minute.

It's funny, but for most of the challenge, so far, the classes I've attended were taught by new or new-to-me teachers. Last night, I got one of my favorite teachers, one of the first teachers I had at this studio. He's tough but inspiring. He pushes you, but does it kindly. It was nice to be in his class last night.

I can't get over the fact that I no longer feel too hot in class. I'm somehow maintaining my energy and no longer feeling depleted during and after class.

I'm a very sweaty yogi. Often, before we finish pranayama breathing, I find myself standing in a puddle of sweat. Sometimes, I'll glance at my neighbors and notice people who seem to have only the merest hint of perspiration even by the end of class, their hair and most of their costume dry. It's funny how differently our bodies handle heat. Sweating so heavily has often made me feel drained. Whenever I've attended a class with a slightly lower temperature, I've felt more energetic. It's only in the last few weeks that I have been to hot, super-sweaty classes and felt strong throughout. I can't get over how good this feels, what a victory it seems.

I tried my hip adjustment in standing bow-pulling pose, and while I wobbled and had to work very hard to keep my balance, the hip adjustment gave me solid alignment.

Last night, half locust just happened right. I can't really pinpoint what the difference is, but some days both legs just float up high, and other times, I just lift at a wrong angle or using the wrong parts of my back and it's all I can do to keep the legs up just a bit. Hmph. I have an ongoing issue with floor bow too. If I don't have my legs at the proper angle, I feel pain in my left knee on lift-off. It seems so hit and miss--as if I'm just chugging along there, and one day or one set is just right and another day or set is just effed up. I want to work on observing myself in both of these postures, to try to identify the problems more precisely.

I am really psyched to have some specific things to work on, focus on, look for and strive for in my practice. Last year, there were plenty of times that my practice felt stagnant. I would attend class, slog through it, dying to get it over with. It felt like doing penance. One of our teachers often jokes during triangle, "the profile of your face miserable in the mirror," and miserable is a pretty good word to describe some of my yoga classes. I just got stuck. I was mired in how difficult it can be, and I got so consumed by the hard parts that I couldn't do anything more than endure. I know that we will all have days like that, but I had a couple of months like that. It's a relief to know that I can do more than just endure class, that I can make progress, refine my asana, my breathing, and my entire practice. I can focus on progress and on the things that feel good. I can enjoy it.

Day 9--With a Little Help From My Friends

2010-01-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

Because of an unexpected visit from out-of-town relatives, I didn't make it to morning class or the early afternoon class. I had to rush to get to 6:30 PM class. I am feeling achy in my ligaments and tendons, and I decided to focus on breath and not push too hard in deep stretches, as well as working on bringing more grace and ease to the postures.

It turned out to be a really fun class. The teacher had some amazing advice for alignment and corrections for a few students. I think that I can really improve my standing bow pulling pose because of her comments to another student. Like a lot of people, I do one side of this posture better than the other. I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to keep my right foot directly above my head. With the left foot, it just stays in line without any special effort. Teacher suggested not trying to kick as high unless the hips were down lower. I'm not sure that I am saying this in a way that makes sense, but with her demonstration of the pose, it totally made sense. Next time I notice the foot drifting off center, I want to move my focus to hip alignment instead of trying to yank my foot and leg into place by force (and then wonder why my tendons and ligaments feel sore).

The best part of class, though, was full locust. We were a little crowded together, and Sharon was postitioned so that her extended arm crossed at my ankles. When we lifted up into full locust, we bumped each other, glanced at each other in the mirror, and then she put her arm uner my ankles and lifted my legs up, way up, higher than I'd ever gotten them on my own. I was surprised, and let out a little exclamation, "oh!" We both started giggling. It was just fun! I really have to struggle to get my legs higher in that pose, and the temporary boost--a light push, no strain--made me aware of what a fuller expression of this asana would feel like. It made me happy. Yoga makes me happy. The challenge is already working its magic and teaching me things and changing my practice. I can't wait to see what it'll be like as the challenge progresses!

Striving for Grace

2010-01-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that we've already finished more than a week of the challenge!

I had a good class tonight. I didn't think about heat or sweat or drinking water. Many of the postures were a bit of a struggle, but I felt good throughout the class. No dizzy feeling, no excessive thirst, no feeling unbearably hot. Maybe I am finally figuring out the right hydration and electrolyte thing.

The lady next to me whimpered like a puppy during half-locust.

Our state Yoga Asana Championship is tomorrow, and one of the competitors demonstrated her set. It included an incredibly beautiful and graceful standing splits. She posesses natural flexibility, but it is her long-term, dedicated practice that allows her to execute the posture with such grace and stillness.

I decided that one of my new goals for the Challenge is to focus on bringing more grace to my practice. I've tried to muscle my way into many a posture, grunting audibly as I kick out in standing head to knee, grimacing through awkward pose, and even, I'm sure, whimpering at some point. I am finally getting a little glimpse of what the instructors mean when they talk about ease and stillness. You can learn a lot by watching an accomplished yogini or yogi.

Which is why I am so dismayed to have encountered some Bikram-bashers complaining about the Asana Championship. At a non-Bikram style yoga class that I taught today, a gentleman mentioned that he'd seen news about this competition, and another student launched into an indignant diatribe about how competitions are un-yoga-like, not spiritual, etc. I wish that I had been prepared with a better response. Sometimes I truly hate straddling two yoga worlds. I told the class that asana competitions have been held in India for a very long time, and also that people have squabbled for centuries about what yoga is and isn't. The indignant lady said, "Oh, yes, and isn't that funny, because 'yoga' means 'union.'"

Well, yes.

I think that the Championships raise awareness about yoga. I think the Championships are inspiring, especially to kids and to yoga students. I would think that anybody who loves yoga or sees its benefits would be happy to see yoga promoted and made visible. If you've noticed what a stressed-out, unhealthy, increasingly obese and sedentary nation we are becoming, I would think that you'd love to see attention drawn to an activity that can calm the mind, refresh us, heal us, and keep us strong.

I don' t get what's so objectionable to the detractors. Do these people hate spelling bees too? They make a competition out of learning to spell, and some kids have more natural aptitude than others, but nobody gets really far in the spelling bee without hard work. Does this process somehow demean kids who are innocently and nobly engaged in learning to spell and write?

I guess you can't please everybody, huh?

I probably ought to try to extend that focus on stillness and grace to what goes on in my head, the things that annoy me. "Let no one steal your peace."

Detoxing, Releasing, and Moving Forward!

2010-01-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

I didn't expect to experience anything very dramatic or noticeable so soon in the challenge, but I feel as if I am really releasing some tension, some pent-up emotional stuff. I'm also seeing mild signs of physical detoxing.

After Day 4, ( the pukey day), I came home, drank juice and water, ate a nice light dinner with lots of fresh veggies in it, and settled down for the night. But I could not sleep. And then I found myself on a bit of a crying jag. I was awake for most of the night, tearful and uncomfortable, but after 2 or 3 hours of sleep, when I had to drag myself out of bed, I felt calm and weirdly refreshed. I think that I've been carrying around a lot of old stress and worry, and I was finally ready to let go of these things.

I taught a fitness class for seniors in the morning, and in the afternoon, I went to 4:30 Bikram class. Our teacher was a woman who mainly teaches elsewhere in town. I'd taken one class from her before. She has a great, solid grasp of dialogue and challenged us without any shaming or ridicule. It was a hard but good class. I hydrated well beforehand, and I again found that I didn't need to drink as much water as I used to during class. In final savasana, I had an odd sensation of heat in my face and head, as if I might be running a fever, but the feeling passed quickly. When I got home, I was ravenously hungry, and I ate too much soup. I had juice, some Emergen-C, and water as well, and I felt like I might burst from all the liquid inside of me.

Got to sleep early that night--like 9:00. I slept like a log, and I slept a full 12 hours. When I woke up, I had a very stuffy nose, very much like an allergy. Worried for a bit that I was coming down with something, but all of the snotty/stuffy thing went away quickly and didn't come back. I decided it was a little more detoxing.

Taught an afternoon yoga class at a senior citizen's housing complex, and I was really happy with class. It's a weekly class at this facility, and I just started teaching there in December. One lady had been taught pranayama breathing, but other than that, none of the participants had ever done any yoga. They are getting more sure of themselves, willing to challenge themselves a little in some balancing postures. It's so gratifying to see people making progress and enjoying the class.

My Wednesday practice, at 4:30, felt great. I had another almost-new-to-me teacher, someone who'd taught at our studio regularly in the past but had been away for several months. It was probably about the third or fourth class I'd ever taken from her. She killed us, but I was feeling rested and ready for it. She kept us in balancing stick for almost twenty seconds each time, and she kept the room very hot. I did all of the postures, and I didn't feel the need to drink much water. If I keep going at this rate, I may be able to take a class from Mary Jarvis someday (She's one of Bikram's senior instructors; I've been told that she doesn't like to see people drink any water during class). Went home to dinner, hydration, and sleep.

All was well until early this morning. I woke up at about 3:30 AM and slept only in fits and starts until 8. I was forgetfully lolling around, reading in bed, thinking to myself that I had nowhere to be until 2PM, so I might as well relax. My boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed--a veggie omelet and potatoes with coffee, and I didn't eat a lot of it, but I ate some. By then it was
well after 10AM.

And I suddenly remembered that I really had to go to 11:30AM class if I was going to go at all today. I had meetings and teaching from 2 to 6 PM, and they were on the other side of town. I could try to get from the West side of town all the way to my studio between 6 and 6:30, but traffic can be unpredictable at that time of day. Past experience says that my chances of getting there on time are only 50/50 at best.

So I leapt out of bed, dressed and packed my stuff. Off to yoga. I was very worried about the food in my stomach and the probability of nausea. The teacher was a new graduate, and I've never had a class from her. For whatever reason, the room was much much cooler than normal. She even opened the window for an extended period. It was quite serendipitous--a nice cool room on the day I was most likely to feel nauseated in the heat. I made it through class just fine, but I kind of feel like we cheated.

My only worry right now is that I've been noticing a very slight discomfort in what I believe is my right medial collateral ligament. It feels strained whenever I catch myself without a properly contracted quadriceps during any 'lock the knee' activity, and it feels strained during head to the right knee position. From past experience, I know that being super aware of it, contracting the quads like a mofo, and not pushing or straining it will most likely lead to healing fairly quickly.

I've been enjoying soaking in a tub with lavender and epsom salts too.

My big question is, how do people with normal jobs ever manage to do something like this challenge? I feel as if it takes up so much time and energy! I hope that by the end of the challenge, doing yoga will seem like a routine maintenance activity, like brushing my teeth. Right now, it fills my thoughts constantly--time, transportation, eating soon enough but not too early, trying to find that perfect proper balance of hydration, getting the laundry dealt with, etc. I know that it will become more of a routine, and boy, am I ever looking forward to that!

Day Four: A Regurgitation, so to speak.

2010-01-04T21:09:00.000-08:00

I went to the 6:30 PM class tonight. Although I have been trying to gradually work my way towards attending earlier classes, I had a busy day filled with work and errands, so class was the last obligation of the day. I was running late, so once again, no cool spot for me. I set up my mat and towel in the hot zone.

Before class started, I was pleased to see Sonya, my 101 Challenge buddy, was practicing right next to me. In spite of my attempts to focus on myself, I look around the room, like the busy-body that I am. My head fills with random shallow thoughts (oh my god, is that girl wearing men's Y-front undies for shorts? Wow, Jane sure has lost weight! She looks great. Who is that guy? Blah, blah, blah). But we began our breathing exercise, and my mind slowed down and stayed focused

For a bit.

As soon as we started half-moon, I couldn't help but notice that Sonya and I were in the midst of the super-yogis...a couple of teachers, a girl who used to be a nationally ranked gymnast, as well as two people who take the Advanced class and participate in Asana competitions. I've made so much progress with my half-moon posture, and I am usually so proud of that. Then I looked in the mirror and started comparing myself to the super-yogis, and I felt so...inadequate. And a little foolish for thinking that my half-moon was so bad-ass. One thought that entered my mind and made me afraid was, "How on earth can I ever aspire to attend Teacher Training? If I go, everyone there is gonna be like these guys--way better than me."

Yikes.

Well, I just had to tune out all that negativity and try to focus on myself. I'm improving, doing better than I used to, so I am winning the only competition that matters, the competition with myself. I can't resolve feeling inadequate in the middle of class, so I tried to just focus on my practice and to cultivate stillness.

I struggled a lot today to reduce the amount of fidgeting and fussing. No rearranging my top or my towel. Minimal hairdo adjustments (that's a tough one for me. I have yet to find the perfect solution to keeping my hair back and under control for the full 90 minutes). I was wearing a racer-back tank, and there was an ungodly itch right in the middle of the t-back, between my shoulder blades, in a spot I might not have been able to reach even if I wanted to scratch. But cultivating stillness helped a lot. I felt calm, still, relaxed in standing head to knee pose. It's always very challenging for me, and that challenge often makes me tense, trying too hard. It was lovely to just balance and be still. A new sensation, that stillness.

I was intent upon doing all of the postures, and I did so today. I drank less than half of my liter of water, even though it was very humid again today, and I was perspiring very heavily. I stayed resting in final savasana forever. I was lying there letting my mind just empty out, and suddenly I noticed that everyone else was gone. Got up, went into the lobby, chatted with Sonya for a bit, then went to the locker room. I drank a little more of my water, got into the shower, and then...

I threw up.

Geez. I don't know what brought it on. I didn't guzzle the water, and I drank far less than usual.
The 'vomit' was completely clear, just water. A teacher once told me that when people vomit after or during class, it's usually a detoxing response to too many stress hormones in the bloodstream. I didn't feel particularly stressed, so I don't know what to make of it. I came home and drank some delicious fresh organic juice, and I feel fine.

Four classes in the bag, ninety-seven to go...

Day 3--Observations

2010-01-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's class was relatively small--27 people. On Saturday, there were more than 40 people in my class, and DSOTM class had 70!

So you'd think it would've been spacious and cool, but no such luck. Our studio has some small variations in heat and humidity from day to day, class to class, and there are parts of the room that are cooler than other areas, little regions with better air flow. It's kind of hilarious to see how quickly students find the cooler, airy places. People run in before they're even out of their street clothes to slap their mat down and claim a "good" spot. I've even seen little squabbles ensue, eg: "Did you move my mat? Well, somebody moved it; it was right where yours is now!"

So, when I got to class, there were about 15 mats in the 'cool' parts of the room, practically on top of one another. The rest of the room was sparsely occupied. I went to the hot side, not entirely willingly. If there's a cool spot open, usually, I'll take it.

I had a very sweaty practice! I didn't feel too hot, but I perspired much more heavily than usual. I think that the humidity was high. I'd done a good job of hydrating and made sure to get my electrolytes earlier in the day, but I ended up drinking the entire contents of my 1 liter water bottle during class, which is something I almost never do. I just felt parched and depleted! I felt as if I needed that water!

But of course, all of that liquid sloshing around in my stomach made me feel awful and I sat out part of camel and was just generally hating class because of it. Bleah!

Good things about Day 3: Standing head to knee continues to show improvement. I've definitely made some progress with this posture. My half-moon is better and easier all of the time. I am able to get through standing series without getting too dizzy, or at least, to not give into the fear I feel when I feel a little dizzy. I saw my 101 Challenge buddy, whom I will call Sonya, at class, which was heartening. I hadn't seen her on Days 1 & 2, and I was worried that she wasn't doing the challenge after all. That's not the case, and it's really nice to have a peer with whom to do the challenge.

Today, I'm gonna focus on focus! I want to concentrate on my asana, stay focused, and try to avoid being distracted in any way.

Tired

2010-01-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

I was wide awake 'til at least 2AM. Then I slept deeply, had vivid, amazing, complicated dreams. I woke up around 9:30 because T was up, getting dressed to take the dog out. I rolled over and fell asleep again, dreamed more dreams and woke up at the shockingly late time of 12:30PM.

I dunno--I feel as if maybe I needed the sleep. It's been very difficult for me to maintain a consistent bedtime over holidays. And I took our dog out for an extra extra long walk yesterday, before my yoga class, much longer than usual. Because of rain, cold, and/or snow, I've been keeping the dog's walks to a minimum. Yesterday was beautiful, so we meandered through the neighborhood and the park for almost 3 hours on our afternoon walk.

Energy levels--I have a really hard time figuring out how much of my exhaustion and tiredness is truly physical and what is an emotional or mental exhaustion. I've had some heavy duty stress to deal with. My boyfriend, T, has a chronic, life-threatening illness, and the last two years have been really rough ones. (Right now, his health is better every day, and he keeps saying that he will join me at Bikram yoga class sometime soon).

Yoga definitely helps me to manage stress, but I do feel as if prolonged stress in my life has depleted me. Stress upsets and can deplete the adrenal glands, and, as luck would have it, I'm approaching the age where a woman's adrenals are given the added burden of taking over some hormonal production duties for the ovaries.

It makes sense that I'd be more tired more often, given my age and circumstances.

Last year, I cried at yoga class more times than I can count. I often find my eyes filling with tears as I rest in final savasana. Yoga seems to wring out my sorrow, wring out my tears and worries. It's a life saver.

The challenge is good for me because I am going to get a chance, daily, to let go of all that's been troubling me. I am going to get a chance, daily, to build more health in my body, to replenish every nook and cranny of my body with fresh blood, fresh oxygen. I get a chance every day to breathe a little deeper, a little slower, a little smoother, to get my body used to the relaxation response and less dependent on the old fight-or-flight.

Every day, yoga gives us the chance to begin again, and I am so grateful for that.

2 down, 99 to go!

2010-01-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I s'pose it's TMI, but I started my period, like, 15 minutes before class today. I felt rather lethargic, sleepy, foggy-brained all day, and for some reason, I didn't feel like eating anything. So I went off to a 4:30 class without eating at all, all day. I had coffee in the morning and fresh juice in the afternoon, and water, water, water.

Class was crowded! New year's resolution crowd, you know. I couldn't see myself in the mirror for most of class. Nothing earth-shattering to report today. I did all of the postures, nothing felt super amazing, nothing was awful or hard, and class seemed to fly by quickly.

Ho hum.

Yoga In the Shadows

2010-01-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

One of the things that I like best about Bikram yoga is that it can be so transforming, on so many levels. Bikram's series of postures is so well designed that the average person can feel changes in their health almost immediately. Yoga can heal us, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

A facebook friend sent me the trailer for this film that explores the power of yoga to help people heal from trauma and addictions. This is an independent documentary film, and it could use all of the support and encouragement it can get. If anybody out there is reading this blog, please take a look at the film's website and trailer:

www.yogaintheshadows.com

If you're on facebook, become a fb fan to raise awareness and show your support. Spread the word about this film. It has the potential to raise national awareness about the healing power of yoga.

"Breathe in the air/Don't be afraid to care.."

2010-01-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm home from my first Bikram class of 2010, and it was fantastic!

I had planned to get up fairly early, but I hit 'snooze' a couple of times and rolled outta bed less than 2 hours before I was due at the yoga studio. I felt huge, bloated, and PMS-y. Bleah. Not my favorite state in which to do yoga, but what can you do? It was a beautiful, sunny morning, and I'm glad that it didn't rain, snow, or freeze while I was out with my dog. In spite of doing a lot of yoga, I am still addicted to coffee, so I had a cup of the stuff, along with a couple of big glasses of water before I headed out for the studio.

The Dark Side of the Moon class was really a surreal experience. So much stuff went on, and I experienced so many different emotions that I can't begin to describe it all.

With the large number of people practicing today, there was a lot of readjusting of towels and mats, fidgeting, and giggling before class. Then one of the teachers announced that R, a regular student at our studio, was going to say a few words. R got up and said a few words about the year's end and the new year, saying good-bye to the past and being open to the present. Then she told us of the loss her family suffered last year: a family member was killed in Afghanistan while serving in the US military. She recited a poem and dedicated it to him. I cried. And I kept thinking of a few other people who passed on last year.

And then our teacher got up in the front of the room. For this, our DSOTM class, the teacher did the postures with us and called out minimal bits of dialogue ("change!"). It was easy to time the pranayama with the beat of the music. I was standing near a speaker, and when the music began, it seemed so loud, I thought I might be sick. It wasn't horribly loud, but I just get all sensitive and vulnerable to attacks of nausea in the yoga room. But somehow, even before we finished our first set of pranayama, the volume seemed just right to me.

In spite of feeling a little dehydrated, pre-menstrual and uncomfortable at the start of class, I had a kick-ass practice today. Standing head-to-knee is probably my worst posture. Today, I managed to kick out for almost the full amount of time. Normally, I only manage to kick out for a bit with the right leg and hardly at all with the left. Today I did both, for at least 80% of the posture's allotted time. A first for me. And I had one of best days ever with awkward pose too.

I'm not an old stoner, and I've never really listened to Pink Floyd a whole lot, so I feel like a total dork saying this, but it was just really amazing how fitting the lyrics and timing of the album are to the practice. "Breathe in the air/don't be afraid to care..." We put our palms up and said "Mama give me money!" just as the cash register bell began for the song, "Money," and everyone laughed. During "Us and Them," we were always bending down exactly as the word 'down' was being sung.

I'm quite sure that these lyrics of "Brain Damage" weren't written to mean anything of the sort, but they seemed like an ode to Bikram yoga during class:

You make me change.
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key.
There's something in my head
And it's not me.

So the album finished at the end of standing series. We had more music for floor series--Cat Power, a few Beatles songs, Earth,Wind & Fire singing 'Shining Star,' a few things I've already forgotten, and a couple of Bob Marley tunes to finish it up.

I'm a total dork, but lifting up into bow pose while Paul McCartney sang, "All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise," brought tears to my eyes. We all clapped along to a couple of songs while we shoulda been resting in savasana. Many people started singing along at various times. It was a trip. I laughed, I cried, I cheered. Cripes.

We did kapalabhati breathing to 'Exodus.' Here's my last "oh, wow, man!" dork-out about our stoner-music yoga day:

Open your eyes and look within.
Are you satisfied with the life you're living?

Move! Move! Move!

Dude, is every song really about yoga, or what?

I feel great right now, and I am really really really looking forward to the next 100 days.

Almost time...

2009-12-31T18:53:00.000-08:00

It's almost time to begin again!

I've ended my 2009 Bikram practice with a vacation--I ended up skipping Bikram class both yesterday and today. Hmmph. I had some other stuff going on, and I guess I'm seeing these two days as the equivalent of a binge right before rehab. I battle my tendency toward stagnation and a lack of motivating energy in many aspects of life. This is why I NEED this Bikram 101 challenge. I have seen so much change in my health, my body, my emotions, my spirit just with my half-assed Bikram practice; I truly have faith that this challenge can and will change my life for the better.

And lately, I feel like I can't throw a rock without hitting somebody who has an amazing testimonial to Bikram yoga. Somebody at our studio posted a copy of Paige Williams' excellent O Magazine article about her Bikram experience, and I've found all these 101 blogs as well. Old friends who live hundreds or thousands of miles away have found their way into Bikram classes--I read all about it on their facebook pages. I've got teachers who've healed surfing and skiing and snowboarding injuries, recovered from car accidents, alcoholism, and obesity. I have teachers who've straightened out debilitating severe scoliosis and turned around a debilitating connective tissue disorder. I don't understand how anyone could doubt it--Bikram yoga works. Whenever our studio has Community Day, after class I want to tell every red-faced, exhausted newbie, "Keep coming back, it works." And, "The more often you come back, the faster it will work, and the more it will do for you."

I slept in too late today, and I worry about getting to sleep tonight. I want to be awake and properly hydrated tomorrow morning. In my experience, very full classes are extra hot and sweaty. I don't want my first class of the challenge to be one where I get tired, depleted, dizzy and sit down.

No no no...gotta keep in mind that it's all in my mind.

The other evening, talking with my teacher after class, she gave me some great advice about how to get my hips and lower back in better alignment in several postures. I have a weird little lower back sway thing. It's pretty minor and common, but it can inhibit good full expression of many postures. Teacher said to tighten up the muscles of the pelvic floor, the perineum, your kegel muscles. Doing so will pull your hips into line. I tried it on Tuesday, and it really worked. I usually consider my cobra pose to be pretty good anyway, but I concentrated on contracting my pelvic floor muscles during cobra on Tues, and I swear to God, I felt as if I was doing it perfectly, like I was channeling Bikram, felt as if my posture was like a picture of him doing cobra. And the teacher (not the same one who'd given me the posture hint the night before) was saying, "til your arms are making a right angle, exactly as Sisya is doing right now." It made me so happy.

this is a ramble-y post! Just a little babble before the big day, before the big 101 days. Excited, nervous, and happy to be part of the challenge!

Dark Side of the Half-moon

2009-12-29T14:55:00.000-08:00

Last night, after class, I had an excellent talk with one of my teachers. She's a facebook friend, and she'd seen that I am participating in the Bikram 101 Challenge. Of course, she was very supportive and encouraging, and she's thinking about joining us in the challenge too.

There are at least 2 other people at my studio who are definitely participating. One of these yoginis is a newly minted Bikram teacher. Even before she left for TT, she did dozens of doubles, barely ever missed a day of yoga. This will be child's play for her. The other participant is a woman who's been coming to class 3-6X/wk for just over a year...kinda like me.

I am doing a rather unusual first class of the challenge. It's not a 'normal' Bikram class. We will be doing the Bikram series, and it will be a 90 minute class, but we will have one extra thing going on.

Um, we're doing the series to 'Dark Side of the Moon.'

Yeah, it's weird. I'm pretty sure that it is not Bikram-approved. But it's a long-standing New Year's Day tradition at my studio. Our studio has been a certified Bikram studio for a long time. The original owner of the studio is, I believe, one of Bikram's senior instructors. I've heard that he originated this tradition. It's very popular, and you have to reserve your spot. They cram more than twice the number of attendees in a regular class into DSOTM class, and there's still a good-sized waiting list. I have never been to the DSOTM class, but I look forward to it. It's kinda fun to have something crazy to kick off the Bikram 101 Challenge.

I'm debating with myself about whether or not to take a day off between now and then. I am definitely going to class this evening, but I am considering taking a day off tomorrow or Thursday. Hmm. I've been feeling lots stronger at class lately, pretty gung-ho about it. Christmas Day was the last time I missed a class. But if I'm not gonna have a big lazy day again until at least April 12, maybe I need to slack off while I can...dunno.

I DO know this: my main challenge in Bikram Yoga is mental. I have a long sweaty list of physical challenges: a history of thyroid problems, very low blood pressure, scoliosis, creaky old knee, a bunion on one foot, past bouts of sciatica & a slipped disc. I'm getting close to the age of menopause, so my hormone levels are changing a little. All of these physical issues pop up in class, but the only really difficult thing about coping with them is having the courage to soldier on and work through them. Yoga helps all of these physical issues. I have to work at not allowing the physical issues to be an excuse to cop out. Like, with my low blood pressure, I often experience a little dizziness in the standing series. However, every time I've decided to try to keep going, the dizziness passes. I used to take a lot of breaks when I got dizzy, but once I began slogging onward in spite of dizziness, the frequency and intensity of the dizzy spells has decreased. If I change my mind, I'll change my body.

I look forward to finding out what will change for me, physically and mentally during this challenge. Everything could change...

How Do I Look?

2009-12-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

The Bikram 101 Challenge starts in just four days, so I'm getting all of my clothes, towels, mats, etc. in order. I've managed to assemble a weird little collection of stuff that will work for class. I have a couple of 'Breathe' mats & a couple of sticky mats; a big pile of towels; five pairs of shorts, a tennis skirt, a couple of pairs of capri-length pants (for laundry emergencies only); a drawer full of tanks, sports bras, and the occasional swimsuit top. I think I'm ready.

I used to be very concerned about how my yoga clothes looked, but now I'm all about how the "costume" feels. Like a lot of people, I dragged all sorts of negative body image stuff into the yoga studio. I thought that I'd have to wear capris or bermuda-length shorts to hide my lumpy thighs. I didn't want my tummy to show at all. I see new students all the time who seem to be trying to hide their bodies in big baggy T-shirts, long pants, or even layers of clothes.

Well, I started noticing that women in my classes, of all shapes and sizes and ages, wore shorts and sports bras and just seemed focused on their yoga. So I screwed up my courage and tried it myself. Sure, I felt awkward and self-conscious when I began to pare down my yoga wear, but whatever self-consciousness remained in me was dissolved by the heat. I just wanted to be comfortable, and short pants and a short top are just right. Besides, I get a better wrap in Eagle pose if my thighs aren't covered...the sweat helps slide my leg around. (Is that cheating?)

Damn, though, as a big-busted woman, I have to say, there's a definite lack of supportive/attractive sports bra-tops available. Who ever came up with the "shelf-bra" did not wear a D cup. And who came up with the idea that bathing suit tops, sports tops, and bras could just be sized Small, Med, and Large? It doesn't work for me...I have to improvise sometimes. I have some weird little combos of old bras inside a shelf-bra top.

Oh, but a bout the body image stuff--if you stop trying to hide your body, during Bikram class, you'll start to see how amazing your body is! Even if you're chubby and out-of-shape, or especially if you're chubby and out-of-shape, if you attend class regularly, you will see muscles working and becoming more defined. It's very gratifying to see the shape of your quadriceps emerging from what used to be some kind of cottage cheese zone. Or to see your abs become more defined. Or the lovely curve of your hardworking hamstrings as you bend your knee into triangle.

For me, being critical of my appearance and my body has never ever been helpful. Some people have this crazy notion that if they shame themselves enough, it'll be inspiration to whip themselves into shape. It seems a lot more productive and positive to instead focus on what's good about your body. Bikram yoga can really help with that. Most people start to glow when they're doing Bikram class regularly. The circulatory benefits are almost immediately visible, right there in your face. And almost everyone experiences a rapid improvement in at least one posture if they attend class 3X/week or more. It's so encouraging and satisfying to see yourself improve.

Here we go...

2009-12-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

I'm a student and a teacher of yoga, and this blog is about my personal yoga practice, my search, my tentative steps toward teaching and sharing yoga in a meaningful way.

I'm preparing to take part in Bikram Challenge 101, and I'm planning to write about that as well. Bikram Challenge 101 is a great big bunch of Bikram Yoga students, worldwide, who've pledged to do a 90 minute Bikram's Beginning Yoga class every day for 101 days, starting on 1 January 2010. I've practiced Bikram yoga for a while, but I never done a class per day for more than about 20 consecutive days. This truly will be a challenge for me.

I'm going to be turning 47 years old about half-way through the challenge, and I am fairly new to yoga. Though I've dabbled at yoga over the years, I didn't have a very serious or consistent practice until October 2008. I've tried several kinds of yoga, but Bikram yoga is/was my first yoga love. I felt exhausted but exhilarated by my first Bikram yoga class. It made sense to me in a way that other yoga classes did not. About 3 years ago, I practiced Bikram yoga fairly regularly for several months, but my work schedule didn't mesh with the studio's, so I ended up taking a break for about 18 months. In Oct '08, I returned to Bikram yoga class with the hope of healing a back injury. I have gone to a Bikram class 3-7 times a week ever since. And my back healed in less than a month.

Also in October 2008, I attended a volunteer teacher's orientation for a non-profit that teaches yoga to the incarcerated, alcoholics and addicts in rehab, and to those living in shelters. My previous experience with yoga, and Bikram yoga in particular, made me want to share yoga's benefits with others. The volunteer orientation was my first clue to how intense the Bikram/non-Bikram divide can be (more about that topic later). That fall, I observed classes and acted as an assistant teacher for some of this non-profit's classes, but I wanted to learn more about teaching and other schools/styles of yoga, so in January 2009, I began a 200 hour yoga teacher training program for a style of Vinyasa Yoga. I graduated at the end of April 2009.

I taught some classes at a neighborhood non-profit yoga studio, but the studio was not doing well--no matter how low the cost of classes, no matter what sort of PR was done, attendance wasn't good. Many a morning, I waited in a cold room (there wasn't money to pay for heat) and did a little practice on my own, all bundled up in tights, sweat pants, an extra sweater, doing a bunch of sun salutations to try to warm up. Then, in the late afternoon, I'd go my Bikram studio and spend 90 minutes in the hot room, wishing I could cool down. Looking for more teaching experience, I signed up to lead exercise classes for the Arthritis Foundation. I was certified to teach their classes in the summer of 2009. I've been teaching AFE classes at a community center's senior program since early August. I also teach a "chair yoga" class at a low-income senior living facility.

I want to learn more about how to make my classes more effective. The seniors that I serve have all sorts of mobility issues and health concerns. Yoga and movement are SO beneficial for them. But I have to stick with gentle, evidence-based practice. Until I learn more, get more training, I'm afraid of teaching things that are too challenging or could lead to injury. On the other hand, without challenges, how do students improve, heal, grow? I'm trying to find a way to integrate more of what I've learned in Bikram yoga into the classes that I teach. I really hope to go to Bikram Yoga teacher training in a year or two, and if money were no object, I'd do other teacher trainings too.

I'm kinda blown away to find how much fun it is to hang out with senior citizens. I'm starting to believe that you just can't help but to become an interesting person by the time you've racked up 7 or 8 or 9 decades of living. My students are amazing people with varied and surprising life experiences. It's an honor to get to know these folks.

I believe strongly in the effectiveness of the Bikram series. I am really interested in the controversy and strong reactions surrounding Bikram and his yoga. I want to write about that stuff in some future posts.

Svadhyaya is one of those Sanskrit words that is translated a zillion different ways. It has more than one meaning, and more than one layer of meanings. But roughly, it means something like self-inquiry, self-observation, or self-study. I am fortunate to already have some excellent teachers and role-models in my life, and I'm grateful for that. Bikram says to focus on yourself in the mirror and to "look into the eyes of your own best teacher." So I am striving to learn from others but also to learn what I already know, to learn what's within me.

Now I have to run if I'm gonna make it to my 4:30 class.

Namaste.